THE REEL WURLD

Have you ever been spun on an axis?

RESPONSIBILITY MUST I HAVE IT OR BE IT?

Am I my sister's keeper? I thought that one was for the brothers only and does not apply to sistahs nor sisters or does it? And if I am my sisters/sistah keepers who keeps me? Am I my own keeper or does someone else keep me? And who is this someone else? where is she? will she show herself to me? and if she will when? and will I know her when she shows herself? and how will I know her? will she give me a clue? a glance? a nod? a wink? a something to show me that she is the one? I have been told that timing was one of the most important things in life to be aware of, what if my timing is off?

WHY SALLY WHY?

The more I am around S...y the more jittery I get, I don't know what it is but I find myself repeating what I say as though I don't have the confidence of words and I find that I am beginning to stutter a lot when I am talking with her. She asked me what was the matter with me last night at the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING -in-wimmin-only-space), I lied and said nothing that I thought that maybe I was just tired. She said to me that she thought I needed a change of atmosphere or scenery and that she thought I needed to develop another set of wimmin friends, she went on to tell me that she did not think that most of the wimmin who came to the meetings were really my friends and that they just didn't have anywhere else to go where they could be so trendy and kinky, I told her that I thought that was a pretty snap judgement to make when she had only seen or been around the wimmin that one night. She said something that I found to be very interesting quote "when you live homeless and on the streets you have to be able to make judgements very quickly because most of the times it is not the judgement that saved your ass but the quickness in which you act on those judgements," she went on to say that what she told me was what she saw and she knew that I would not like what she had to say. She said that my worry over the fire was my way of not dealing with the reality of not having told the wimmin that she was living in the backyard in the tree, and that I feared losing their friendship so much that she knew if it were necessary she would be the one who would be asked to move. I did not deny anything, nor did I admit to anything. She asked me if I enjoyed the fire last night and if I enjoyed the wimmin who came out to the fire and joined us. I had given no thought to the other wimmin around the fire and I let her know that I really did enjoy the fire. She told me that of the fifty wimmin who were there I should become selective about who or rather which ones of them I really trusted and liked and to find out which one of them trusted or liked me. She also said that G..... the womon who owned THE HOUSE was one of the wimmin who had a great respect for me. I laughed at that one and said I don't think so, she responded with time will show you. She said the heavy set womon ( I knew she was talking about D....the womon who said she was addicted to eating meat) she is the most sincere womon in the group however she is very much in need of a lot of attention and caring for, and if I did not intend to give her a lot of attention I should not make an attempt to establish a friendship with her. I asked her if she would build another fire, she did.

THE FOREVER FLAME

Well S...y did what she said she would, she built a beautiful fire ring and stacked a wonderful bit of wood to be used. She said she had no need to come into THE HOUSE during the meeting tonight but that she would tend the fire and anyone who wanted to join her around the fire was welcome. I was more nervous about what our neighbors would say when they saw a fire and I again address myself to this with S...y she again said you will not know until the fire starts. I know she is right but I still am concerned. That was not my only concern I wondered what the wimmin would say about her living in the backyard in the tree. I said this to her and her response to me was "well I suppose you must have something to worry about." Should I get pissed off or no? Then out of nowhere me alter said well hello, so who invited you back I heard myself say,she responded with "well you did say you missed me." I did say that I did I did. But back to S...y, I wondered if she was going to show off here new home to any of the wimmin tonight, but I dare not ask. Time is getting close THE HOUSE really looks nice I pick some greenery from the yard for centerpieces and the music I have on tonight is from Barbara Ester's Day to Day CD. So now it is a matter of waiting and seeing. I know this one will be good.

I'VE GOT S...Y ON MY MIND

You know this womon S...y is really creeping into my brains big time, why would such a womon have such an impact on me I really can not figure out. This morning when I woke up I looked outside and she was building a fire ring, she had found the shovel and had dug up some old coral rocks that she said would make a perfect round to the ring and that the rocks would keep it hotter than commercial stones, I asked her what did she think the fire rules of the hood were and answered I guess you'll find out when you make a fire. She looked as though she was digging to China, the hole was already a good two feet deep and at least a foot wide, she had stacked coral rocks all around it and on the inside the bottom was lined with coral rock, she had a wall about 1/2 foot high and had packed dirt around the wall, inside she had put smaller stones on top of the coral rocks, it was really beautiful. I asked her when would it be ready for a fire she replied she is ready now, we just need some wood, and I think I know where I can get some. She asked if she could use an old wheelbarrow I had and that she would go and get the wood latter in the day,no problem. And latter on in the day did she ever come back with a stack of wood in the wheelbarrow cut and dried, I asked her where did you find such wood, she smiled and said that is one of my homeless secrets, she stacked the pit and asked if I would want her to have a fire for the wimmin when they came next week for the action/event, I can not believe how clever this womon is. I said definitely yes.

WHO IS SALLY ANYWAY?

I woke up this morning thinking about my friend, my homeless friend S...y, who now lives in the backyard of THE HOUSE. I looked out the back window up into the trees to see if she was up there, she was. She was sitting on her platform smoking an herb, I always thought she was smoking a cig, until she told me she did not do tobacco. She also told me that she had been a vegetarian since her teenage years but became an animal eater when she went back to being homeless. I found that to be very strange since I thought acquiring animals to eat would be difficult if one is homeless. She assured me that was not so. She said that a lot of people when they were being "generous,compassionate or kind" would bring her animal based food. She also said at first she would refuse it and they would become so angry and mean toward that she decided to stop refusing and gradually began to eat it, she said at first she did become very ill from eating it but her body finally got adjusted to the poison, she said the thing that really came home to her is how much our bodies will adapt and adjust to almost any thing. She called that the beauty of life, not just human life but life. She said as she live homeless for a longer period of time she learned how to take the animal meals she was given and exchange them for other things that she needed with other homeless. I asked how was she able to make money, she said money was not the most important thing when one is homeless, because many gave money to really appease their conscience, and money was easy to get. She also said getting work was really not that easy, because the temp jobs were usually in exchange for something, and were menial almost all the time, not only that most folks did not want the homeless ones around for long because they felt they would be eventually ripped off. She added that this attitude was always a strange one to her, cause after all who is really getting ripped off? I was curious about something, i remembered that one time I had gone to see her under the overpass, and she was giving a cig to another homeless womon. I asked her if you don't smoke cigs, why were you giving one to that womon that time? Her response, I make it my business to garner a pack of cigs, I use them as trade offs. Do you smoke cigs she asked, no my answer, o she said because I have a brand new pack, I am still in the habit of using them as trade offs, they have become very expensive. I asked her if she thought smoking cigs was a healthy habit. Her response I don't smoke them. So what is there to say about that? I had to ask myself again really who is this womon?

RISE S...Y RISE S...Y

Wipe your weeping eyes S...y, wow, what a womon, I never ever even imagine that I could learn so much from a womon who was is homeless. What is homeless really ? I have started to examine the whole idea of homeless. I remember thinking at one time how could any womon live homeless on the streets under the expressways, next to the railroads, in the boxes, garbage cans, dumpsters, old cars, and be out there with all the other homeless mainly men,how could she take being smelly, ignored, spat on, abused not only by the homeless men, but those who think that they are so much better than any homeless anybody. What kind of defenses does she have to develop in order to deal with others? What does she think of other humans? Does she have any true belief in anybody or anything. What does she have to say about politics, religion,education,training, food, sex, drugs, rock or roll, who and what is she impressed by? What does money,transportation,health, illness, warmth,caring love mean to her? As I asked myself these questions I realized that I was in for a long and extensive journey with S...y. And you know something crazy I was really glad to have her living in the tree in the backyard at THE HOUSE, maybe I could get her to make a guest appearance at one of the ( LESBIAN HOME DINING) actions. Here I am thinking all of this and I have not mentioned to the other wimmin that she is living here in the backyard in a tree,wow, I know some of the wimmin are gonna love me for this, but this is NOT their HOUSE. There I said it. THIS IS MY HOUSE.

WHO IS ANYONE?

Well I must say I have learned a lot since S...y has been staying at THE HOUSE. I have learned things that I never thought I was capable of, I actually climbed a tree the first time since I was a kid, I kept telling S...y that I could not do it, and she kept saying as long as you give yourself that message you are correct you can not. Why not give yourself another message and she what happens, how bout I know I can, I know I can. When she said that to me and I did it, it reminded me of my Mother's words she would always say to me "child I CAN'T died before you were born". I think what surprised me most was here is this womon that I had been feeling sorry for cause she was homeless teaching me acts of strength. I started asking myself who is this womon really who is she? Now I want to talk more to her, I want to be with her more, but she is still a very elusive one, and I do not want to distance her from me nor me from her. Wow what an experience. I should say what a set of experiences.

AM I O.K.? WHO IS O.K.?

S...y said that she felt blessed. o.k. and I am not sure what I feel. Have I acted wisely by leaving her stay here in the back yard? Should I have laid down more definite do's and dont's ? She seemed rather uninhibited can I handle this? These are the thoughts I was having in my head when I woke up this morning. Then I got up and looked out the back window to see if I could see her or rather what she had used as a tent. I saw nothing nor no one. I really got curious and went up to the window and really stared out. I still didn't see any thing nor one. Umm I thought where the hell did she go I don't see any impression of anyone having been in the backyard all night, I wondered if she decided to leave and not stay here last night, I know I didn't say anything to offend her or did I? Well I thought by the time I really wake up,brush teeth etc.,I will see what really is. An hour later I still had not heard nor seen any sign of life in the backyard and I decided to go out back. No one was there, no S...y, no tent, no nada. I really became concerned and had started back into the house when I heard a noise that caused me turn back and there was S...y popping down out of one of the Live Oak trees talking bout what a wonderful night she had up in the tree where she could smell, see, and hear everyone and everything during the night, and how much she loved it up there pointing upward into the huge tree. I know my mouth was dropped opened, cause when I looked up there in the tree she had a board and what looked liked a light blanket or sheet. I asked her how did she get up there and she showed my how, she actually climbed. When she came back down she said to me one night you really need to come up there and sleep I think you would love it. I didn't say a word I just looked at her, and she was beaming. I invited her in for a cup of tea. She declined and invited me out in the yard for some water and an herb. I took her up on it. I wanted to ask her a lotta questions but I really didn't know where to start and I did not want to offend her. I realized that I was becoming afraid of myself when I was around her. I could easily see myself going wild. WILD WILD what an interesting idea, going wild, I wonder what and how does that really happy and does it really happen,my mind just went to Gertrude S. if an attack could surprise would it?

THE RE ARRIVAL

Sa..y and I went in THE HOUSE where she admired everything she saw, she suggested that we create two rooms out of the living room since she was so large, she thought the idea of turning one of the two bedrooms into a meeting room,office and pantry, was an excellent idea and gave that room the name THE MOP, wild name I said yes meeting room,office and pantry, good name. I invited her for tea I had some green tea that I liked and thought that she would also,she refused and told me that she would prefer a Duchess Du Bois I asked her what was that and she told me that was her favorite beer, I had never heard of it and told her so and offered her a Bud which she avidly refused,stating that she would never let that one touch her lips. I asked her if the next time she got a Duchess Du Bois could I have a sip?she agreed. So I had a cup of tea she had a glass of water,we sat and talked for a bit, then she got up said I am tired and I'm going to bed,said goodnight and went out the back door. I was curious where and in what is she going to sleep, but by now i realized that I had put my foot in my mouth enough times with her to ask no questions, I closed the door and got ready for bed, it has been a long long day and I need time to dream.

THE ARRIVAL

Well me and Sa..y walked all the way to THE HOUSE i really enjoyed the walk with her, i think this is the first time i really, really remember so much about a street I had walked before and how I notice thanks to her all the new things that I had never noticed before now. She knew everyone on the streets and they knew her, I imagine that is the thing that had kept her safe all these years on the streets, everyone knew her. When we got to THE HOUSE Sa..y let out a howl that made me jump a mile, and then she said to me girl you are so blessed I have always wanted a cute little house and I am blessed she said because I get a chance to live in the yard of a cute little house and still feel free. She was crying, I am not comfortable with seeing wimmin cry so I walked rapidly in front of her and said come I'll show you where you can set up your tent (when i said that i realized for the first time that she didn't have a tent) and we walked to the back yard. She asked me if she could decide on where she would like to live in the yard (I said to myself why? I should be the one to tell you where you will live in my yard,but i did not say that) I said sure you can pick your spot just tell me where cause I want to put in a garden, she said o where I live won't interfere with your garden wherever you put it. She then asked if she could use the water hose I said yea, she went to the water hose, pulled it out into the center of the back yard, undressed, turned on the water and started to bath herself from the head down, I asked if she wanted some shampoo or soap, she just smiled and kept running water over herself. Minutes later she motioned to me to cut off the water, which I did, she stood there skyward for a few and then began to put on the clothing she had on before. I said to her that I had some clothing that I thought may fit her and that she could have them, I went inside and grabbed some clean clothing I had in an extra clothing box that I save to wear when my size changes and took them to her, she thank me and put them on and said to me now I am ready. I asked ready for what? She said to go in your house I remembered when you asked me to please bath before I came to your house so I have and now I am ready to go in your house. I smiled but I felt awful. We went in THE HOUSE. MY HOUSE?

THE GREAT MOVE HOME

Well i went to met my homeless friend today to ride or walk with her back to THE HOUSE where she is going to live in my yard in a tent, she has decided to give up her homeless title to live here, i certainly hope that i am doing the right thing i did not ask the wimmin of the group if it was OK for her to move here because after all i am renting THE HOUSE from G..... not them, i guess if they don't like her being here they will voice it I'm pretty sure. So i caught the bus to the I-95 underpass to met her, she was there and seemed ready to go, she asked me if i would sit with her for a few minuets to say good by to the place and to leave of all things some incense there burning so that the next womon who live there would find peace as she had, i thought that was very sensitive and kind of her. While we were sitting there another womon walked up to talk to her and to say goodbye, they chatted for a bit and then my friend said to her you can have this space if you want it is a very good one, the other womon thanked her and asked if she could have the thin and funky looking mattress my friend gave it to her and also gave her 3 cigs, they hugged each other and said good bye. I thought to myself what a wild wild world we all live in, here are two wimmin who seem to care for each other calling themselves homeless and seeming to have all the love in their hearts for each other and yet....well i just find that very touching. My friend asked her friend if she would come visit her sometimes at her new place, she told her that she did not know exactly where it was but as soon as she was settled she would come up for her, they both agreed to this and we left. My homeless friend does have a name her name is Sa..y, so i said Sa..y you want to wait for the bus and she asked if it was OK if we walked? ok by me and so we did. It was a lovely walk one that i had not had before now, she showed me places that i had never noticed in my past walks or rides,for example i had never noticed the pomagrante trees near the sidewalks there and they were full of fruit, i did not know how to tell if they were ripe but she did and told me that they would be ripe in another week or so and that we could come and get some but that we had to be sure to keep noticing because everyone in the area were waiting for them to ripen. She showed me a neighborhood grocery store that specialized in fruits from the Caribbean Island and a little restaurant that had very good home cooked foods and always had a vegetarian meal to offer. We had a great walk and i felt so good walking with a womon who was so familiar with the streets i really felt safe with her, and that was truly a strange feeling for me. And so slowly we walk to THE HOUSE, and she said the wildest thing to me she said i want to thank you for helping me make THE GREAT MOVE HOME.

HOMELESS FRIENDS AGAIN ?

I have had so many dreams in the past few nights, some of them were fun some were very scary. One in particular i dreamed that my homeless friend was murdered by a group of homeless men, i remembered she told me that she did not hang around the homeless men because they were no different from those who had homes, and that she did not feel safe around them, i wondered how she could avoid them being outdoors. I also dreamed that my homeless friend who had died earlier was really still alive but living somewhere else, i realized that this was a figment of my imagination, cuz myself with some other wimmin had her cremated. I think these dreams are my minds way of telling me to give some more thought about inviting my homeless friend to live in the yard at THE HOUSE, and i think i will visit her and tell her so. So i took a walk to where she lives under the I95 expressway to see if she really wanted to live in the yard at THE HOUSE, the back yard is very large. My walk was relatively calm and simple, nothing spectacular happening on the streets, it is a different walk from THE HOUSE to where she is than it was from my apartment in an unsafe part of town, seem as though there were less bodies out walking and as i would walk past others they did not seem as friendly as the others in my old neighborhood, maybe i just need to walk this more often. When i got to the underpass my friend was sitting there smoking, i didn't know that she smoked and said that to her, she smiled and said i don't smoke tobacco. I sat down and began to talk to her she seem so sad and i mentioned that to her. She said she was sad and it was because she wanted to see her two daughters but they were not open to seeing her unless she stop being homeless at this point i asked her if she would really like to live outside in a tent in the yard at THE HOUSE? She beamed, smile and said i sure would cause i really want to see my daughters, and that they would come to see her if she was living in a house, i reminded her it would be a tent, she reminded me that a tent is a house to her and a lotta others, she asked me if i remembered the THE TENT CITIES, that were established during the civil rights marches? I said do i remember? i most certainly do i lived in one of them during that time. I told her that she could move into the yard on that week-end, i also told her that i had three requests she asked me what they were. First i said i insist that you take a shower when you get to THE HOUSE, i told her i just could not take the odor, she laughed and said no problem my odor is getting next to me, and asked whats the next request, i told her when she live in the yard in a tent there were to be no men there on the land, and that any food preparation on the land had to be vegetarian, to that she said no worry no men, and when i want to eat meat i know where to go it won't be there. Great i said, i asked if she needed help moving her stuff her answer, the only stuff i will carry with me will be what i wear that day, i asked if she had other clothing she said no. I must see if i can get some clothing out of the spare box of stuff that was left by some wimmin. I stood up and told her i was leaving and that i would walk up on Saturday to get her and we could walk back to THE HOUSE or catch a bus, she reminded me that she had no money for the bus i told her not to worry and left.

DREAM ALL MY FEARS AWAY

Well i wanted to dream and dream i did. I had so many dreams that when i woke up they all merged together and the only thing i remembered was i had been driving a huge truck and the brakes would not hold whenever i back up. So rather than fret over what i could not remember i started thinking about what living in THE HOUSE would be like, i wonder if i should call her THE HOUSE without color or THE HOUSE without fire, i find i like naming where i live and i do believe that is why i always called the apartment 'my apartment in an unsafe part of town. I need to give a lot of thought to what i name THE HOUSE cuz i do believe that naming something can imbue it with power and i want this place to be a power-filled one, one of change and intent.

HOME LESS FRIENDS?

On my way home me alter came to me and asked,why do you befriend home less wimmin and call them your friends? I pondered the question and came up with this answer. It doesn't matter if they are home less or not they are my friends, and even if they were not home-less they would still be my friends. Me alter said but you don't have any friends who are not home-less do you? Of course i have i answered. There is S......, and M........., and A...., just to name a few. Me alter said but you never visit those friends and certainly not at the same rate you visit your home-less ones. She continued i think its because you feel as though you have done something spectacular when you visit the ones under the I95 expressway, you feel as though you have done something noble and compassionate by taking food and conversation to them. Did you ever think what these wimmin leave with you? What you gain from them? What they give and bring to you. Do you ever think what a home less womon does for you? Me alter continued with questions? How many times have you taken food to home wimmin? Why always the home less ones? She went on like this until i got off the bus at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, which i will be moving from in the next few days. I thought about what she said and put it in part of my mind, i really don't want to think about that just now, i just want to go home and sleep and dream.

MY HOME-LESS FRIEND?

Well I'm going to see my home less friend at her home under the I95 overpass, i am taking her some avocados and limes some of her favorites. I took the bus there instead of walking, when i got there she was laying on her mattress fast asleep, i looked at her and wondered why would a womon prefer to stay out like this. And then i wondered why i wondered, she had already told me a long time ago why, but that did not stop me from wondering. I notice that she had had a bath she smelled different, i gently touched her and she jumped a mile and said to me don't ever do that again unless you want to get hurt, i asked her how should i have awaken her, she said its pretty simple just call my name. So i sat down and started to tell her about THE HOUSE that i was going to be moving into and why. She said that she thought i was venturing into a dangerous area, because as she said,when one becomes dependent on someone else to take care of them that have to concerned themselves with becoming obligated. I told her i was not dependent on the group taking care of me, and that i did not feel obligated to anyone. Her comment on this was you will, and she started talking about having to move herself because the city was doing a homeless homeland eradication, because the President was coming to town and the officials did not want Sir Pres to see dirty bodies, and clothing laying around under the expressway. I asked her where was she moving to and her response surprised me. She said since you are moving into a fancy new house, why not take me on as your project? No way i said to myself no way, i need a roommate now like i need another alter. Before i could think i said to her that I just can't. I don't want a roommate and besides you told me that you would not want to live in another house, because you liked the freedom of outdoors. She started laughing like she had lost it, and when she was finished she said you know all you homers seem to always come to the same place in mind, i don't really want to live with you i really wanted to see what you would say. She continued i really do love living out doors, but you see i can live outdoors any where, i could live out doors at your house. Well i thought to myself i cant have anyone living outdoors at my house, and then me alter said you have wimmin living outdoors when you invite them to tent, well i said to her that's different, and she asked how? Well it is not permanent, me alter then said i did not hear her say that she wanted to permanently live at your house outdoors (your house? o that's right it's your house right?) Well i think i want to go home I'm done here. I told my homeless friend i would see her later,she asked me again so what do you think outside at your house or no, i said or no and left.

THE LAST SUPPER WHAT A NIGHT

Wow, what a night the last event/action at (LESBIAN HOME DINING), the food was absolutely fantastic all of it, the wimmin were more lively than ever before, the atmosphere was hot, the conversation was all about THE HOUSE, and no one had any problems, concerns, or issues that seemed pressing (well no one talked about it anyway), the conversation was all about how THE HOUSE should be decorated,with, what, and by whom.It was at this point i decided to bring up the subject of who THE HOUSE was being rented to. Silence fell when i asked this question. G..... said i am renting THE HOUSE to you with the understanding that the group would meet, and that should the group decide not to meet there, she would make arrangements with me as to how the rent would be paid and how other stuff would be taken care of. She asked the group to please vote on this so as to make it official, they did and they agreed. (I said to myself whats with the official i mean what does that really mean? what would the unofficial be and what would it mean? I decided to keep my thoughts to myself,and at that my alter came alive from a long hiatus said "well, well, you finally learned how to keep your mouth shut".When the group was ending i asked the group what should i do with the money i had left over from before and from this night meeting? The total was 205.00dollars, the group decided to pay the light bill which was 85.dollars and have the account switched over to THE HOUSE in my name and the same with the water bill which was 45.00dollars. The rest of the money was to be given to me for executing the business of switch-over of the utilities. I then asked what should i do with the food stuff that was left over, i had, 1lb of seitan, 2lbs tofu, 3organic sweet potatoes,3lbs organic basmati rice, 2lbs organic quinoa ,avocados. The group asked that those foods that could be taken to THE HOUSE be taken there, and those that were perishable be given away to other wimmin, i decided at that point that i would take it to my homeless friend at the I95 diner under the expressway. Is it really necessary to identify her as my homeless friend would not friend be sufficient, i think i will ask her that next time i see her.

THE LAST SUPPER O.K.?

Well tonight is the night, there will be forty of us wimmin here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town to come together for the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event at this place, we are moving into THE HOUSE for good next week, most of the stuff that i needed to carry over is there, i didn't have much anyway.So for food tonight i did,Baked tofu cutlets in a brown gravy,spelt pasta in olive oil with zucchini, steamed choyote and callilou,brown rice,honey grilled grapefruit halves,sliced avocado, sliced apples and the carrot banana cake that one of the wimmin made, there is not much furniture in the apt, because of our move so most of the wimmin will have to sit on the floor or on milk crates, i don't know how 40- of us are going to fit in but we will figure it out. I have chosen Rosanna's Luna Rotas for the music tonight, i don't think music will be important so much tonight because everyone is still talking about THE HOUSE. The food looks good and i assured the woman who runs the apt building that no one would park as a nuisance, she said fine but i could see in her face the relief of knowing that we would be moving soon. Dear woman I'm sure she catchs hell from the tenants about parking, i am going to ask to group if it is OK for me to give her a tip for being so patient with our parking habits, and if they say no i will tip her myself, but i don't see where there will be a problem.

MY APARTMENT IN AN UNSAFE PART OF TOWN

I had no intentions of becoming melancholy about moving, but i am beginning to feel a bit of sadness at the thought of leaving my apartment in an unsafe part of town, to move to THE HOUSE. What makes a place,time, area unsafe? What makes those places unsafe? the people? the environment? the weather? the air? the attitude of those who live there? the attitudes of those who don't live there? When i think about this place i have called home for seven years, i feel very safe, i believe those who live here feel safe, the children act as though they feel safe, the cats and dogs act as though they feel safe (they only bark when there is someone new in the hood, and,( stray dogs and cats) stray to them because they are suppose to be in their yards or on another street,(and maybe in another hood?) on yes they do bark at birds who land in their yards for their food, so i think they and birds feel safe. So What makes this an unsafe part of town? The wimmin have been coming here and the only incidents we have are between us, no robbery,rape riot here since i have been here.So why is this an unsafe part of town? why do i insist on calling the place i have lived for seven years my apartment in an unsafe part of town?what makes me feel safe calling her that? is there safety in monikers? do we imbue words or places with power by calling them what we do? so when i say i am a lesbian do i imbue myself with power? (and me alter said well i could call that ego) when i say i am a proud bull dyke or dagger do i imbue myself with power. a strong womon? Well all the thoughts flood into my head as i think about moving and as i prepare to do so, and we haven't even had the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event yet. I suppose i need to go on to other thoughts,but i want to cry. LOSS? can i have GAIN without it?

THE HOUSE CALLS

Well it was quite an event/action at the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) gather. Everyone is going over to see THE HOUSE and see if anything else needs to be done to her. I have decided to move, i do know that it is in my best interest and in the best interest of the group. There will be one more (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i have already given notice and being that i am on no lease it will not be a problem to move, i have given my new address to some of the women here and invited them to come see me when ever they like, i am giving away quite a bit of the stuff i have collected here over the past seven years, although it is stuff i have valued and will always have memories of some of it it,is time to turn loose, G.... has made sure that THE HOUSE is already furnished so the only thing i will be taking with me as far as furniture is concerned is two rocking chairs that my mother gave me and some very personal personals. I think i will really miss my old frig that i had to kick every now and then to keep her heart beating. I am going to clean up the place and hope some womon who will really love the stuff i am leaving in her,will get her. I have not started the cleaning yet because although i know it is time to leave i miss the apartment, the hood and the( people wimmin, children, and men) and i haven't even moved yet. The last meeting here will take place this come week, i have $200.00, and was told by the group members to go all out for this(LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action since it will be the last one here. From the last action/event, in addition to the $200.00 i have 13 organic grapefruits, 6lbs of organic Tofu, 7organic apples, 5lbs of organic brown rice. I am going to my neighbors to see if i can get some more aki from her i noticed the other day that her trees are still full, another neighbor have Avocados down and i will buy some from her. I went to the health food store they had on sale,organic kale and Swiss chard, so i got some 0f that, and some zucchini and chayote, and i found some callilou at the Jamaican store. I found also some spelt pasta that i am going to use. Don' t know how i am going to prepare these yet that will come. I called the womon in the group who makes great carrot banana bread and ask her how much or what would she charge for making a cake or two to serve 30 wimmin, she said she would make it for no cost if i purchased the ingredients, agreed. One of the wimmin in the group is from Peru so she said she would make a Peruvian drink from purple corn, it sounds like we will have one grand last action/event of (LESBIAN HOME DINING) at the apartment that loved us so much in an unsafe part of town.

FEARLESS? AND BRAVE? WONDER WOMON?

Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event is beginning, and i am bringing up right away THE HOUSE, and i did o why o why did i? I started off by saying that the woman who was in charge of the apartment building in which i lived was becoming more and more agitated with the parking situation when ever we met, and that i was becoming more and more uncomfortable with having to deal with her over the parking. I also said that i thought it was time the group think about moving somewhere else because we were growing in numbers and i did not think the apartment would hold more of us, every one agreed to this. The womon G..... who originally offered THE HOUSE, mentioned that THE HOUSE was ready to be moved into and that i could move anytime i wanted to, another womon asked me if i was prepared to move and if not when? I told the group, that i did not think i wanted to move from the apartment, and that i thought it would be a good idea if the group move to THE HOUSE,its just that i didn't think i wanted to move. One womon asked me why did i not want to move,since THE HOUSE was in a better part of town, and that there was more room and privacy for the group, and it seem that the group would flourish better there. I acknowledged that THE HOUSE was indeed better for the group, but i did not want to move because i had some concerns that had not been addressed. And i told them my concerns, starting with what would happen to me if the group decided that they wanted to move again, would i not be stuck with a house that i could not afford to live in, and what about the increase in utilities and other services? I also asked about getting help from other wimmin if work had to be done at THE HOUSE since no men would be allowed there. Here are the responses i got. If the group decided to met somewhere else,G..... said she and i could work something out as far THE HOUSE was concerned, the group agreed as for the increase utilities, some of the money collected from our actions/events would be used to take care of the increase,as far as help in work on the house by other wimmin, those wimmin who had always helped would continue to do so. They could see my doubt and some of the wimmin addressed themselves to this, one womon said she thought it was a case of me developing more trust not only in myself but in other wimmin,at this comment me alter started talking in my head see she said i told you so, i forgot for the moment that is was she who talking to me and before i knew it i said out loud just freaking cool it, the wimmin looked at me as though they thought i had lost it, and i had,so i said don't fret i am losing if for the moment, it has nothing to do with you it really is me. And with that comment one womon said you know i am really becoming concerned about you. And i asked her so do you think its stress? Some of the wimmin thought i was being arrogant and said so, i started to explain what had happened and i thought of Gertrude S., when she said "explanation is composition" and i realized that i had no need nor desire to compose.Would you believe me alter got really crazy at this point and started talking like someone had given her mockingbird seeds, see she said, see i told you so , and again without thinking i answered her told me what ?what did you tell me? I asked out loud, the wimmin in the group looked at me as though i had really gone bonkers, and i said o don't mind me I'm just talking to myself,i mean what else could i have said that would have made sense? One of the wimmin asked, should we talk about this again at our next action/event? half of the wimmin said yes the other half said no, so the talk continues. I was getting tired of hearing about THE HOUSE, i wanted to hear what that womon who the last time said she felt guilty about eating any food had to say, so i asked if we could talk more about that, and everybody said no, including the womon, they said that they wanted to firm up then and there if the group would be moving and when, with or without me they said. Me alter said ha ha they will move with or without you so what do you think of that now sistergirl? Well i said to myself with or without me, here is my chance to get out of the group if that is really what i want, here is my chance, but you know what i did not say a word, at that moment i realized that i really wanted to be a part of the group, but if they wanted to move with or without me maybe they did not care if i was a part of the group or not. At this point me alter said to me o here comes Sir Doubt,this is really gonna be good, i feel a big one coming on, i open my mouth to say something only this time i heard it before it came out of my mouth and i closed it.So the talk went on and on ad naseaum, and the final decision was this, we would hold one more action/event at my apartment and start to move to THE HOUSE, the coming weekend, the wimmin again said to me that they would love to see me move with them, but that at i had every right to decided to stay where i was but to please let them know my decision within the next three days, i agreed to do that and the group ended on that note.

FEARLESS AND BRAVE WONDER WOMON

Well i have decided to stay where i am in terms of THE HOUSE and my apartment in an unsafe part of town, and i will let the wimmin know that at the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. I think my decision is based on sound thoughts,i know that i can afford the rent on my apartment if the wimmin choose to go somewhere else, i know that i do enjoy the company of my neighbors and that i can make new neighbors should i need to, i know that i am comfortable here in this hood and that i can find comfort in other hoods should i need to, i also know that i may be hedging on moving somewhere else, and that i am open to changing my mind. I think at the next meeting i will bring up the subject myself so as to resolve it. Now i must wait for the next event/action to let my thinking be known. I also realize that my space is getting to small for the events/actions to continue to meet here

THE FEARLESS WONDER WOMON

Well I'm back from my fear trip it was quite a trip. I realize that these trips will be many as life goes on and life goes on, but anyway i captured this one, now on to the next. THE HOUSE i must talk to myself seriously about this before i talk with the other wimmin, i don't think i want to go to THE HOUSE and i think i have decided to stay in my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i feel safe here, and comfortable and no need to change, or, for change did i just say that? i am the one who is always saying change is, so what's with the no need to or for change. That word change looks very strange to me just now cha nge cha nge cha nge change change change, it has a certain sound, sh ang ga, i wonder if other wimmin hear the sound the musical sounds of a word or is it easier to think of this word rather than THE HOUSE? I think i can put off thinking about THE HOUSE untill i get closer to the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. But moving is still a possibility, why not? why not?

ME AND MY ALTER

Well well my alter said to me are you ready to confront your fears/demons? do you want to talk to me? would you rather wallow in your fears/demons? is it more entertaining or fun for you to feel helpless and a victim? Want do you need to do? What do you want to do? (Remember she said when you don't know what to do do nothing) So doing nothing i have put my hands to preparing for the next LESBIAN HOME DINING event/action. Now that my hands are busy, i asked my alter so what do i do with my brains? She said OK lets talk. She asked me of what was i so full of fear over? Her question caused me to think i had never thought of it the way she had asked of what was i so full of fear over? I thought to myself of what? of What? of what was i so full of fear over? I thought and thought and could not come up with an answer, of what was i so full of fear over? Maybe i said to my alter i need to ask of who cause i really can't think of a what. My alter said so then of who are you so full of fear over? The way she said the who annoyed me. I said do you have to say who like that, i mean who but why who? She said OK,who, and i must ask you why the annoyance over the way i said a word? seems to me that you are trying to get rid of a hot potato, or i just hit the huggler, and she said huggler just to annoy me some more because she knew my grandaunt who could not pronounce j"s would say huggler when ever she meant juggler. I said to her i really think you are trying to see to what extent you can go to get me really pissed off. Then she went on her high horses and said to me "surly you have better command of the English language and enough awareness to find another word to indicate you anger than "pissed off", o so now its all about me right ? she said i thought it was always all about you. I started to tell her what she could do with her freaking advice, but i had to ask myself so why are you so annoyed? I began to really think and think about my (I'm not sure if i should call them mine any more) fears and about who or what were those fears(that i some how have not been able to identify yet) about. Well in the midst of those thoughts me alter up ed and said ha ha you see now don't you? It really is more fun having fears for you than not, why don't you see if you can be fear-less fear-less fear-less, and then she started to sing this song that i know she was making up as she went, she sang to the tune of little sally walker sitting in a saucer. her song went o little little victim, sitting in her pitdom, rise victim rise, dry your weeping eyes, turn to the east victim, turn to the west victim turn to the north victim,south your victim lost victim, and with her singing of that song i think i got it. I think I Got It I Think I Got It All words all words, and then build feelings around the words, and then you get it? I think so.

WHO NEW YOU?

I have been caught up in the thickness of fear and self something i don't know what to call it,i almost don't want to go to any more actions/events, i am fear full of something and i don't know what. I want to stay in bed, cover my head and let the world go by me. I think i want to find somewhere i can go where i don't know anyone and no one knows me.All those new wimmin, wimmin i love so much but how can you love someones and be fear full of them at the same time? My alter is having a ball yapping in my head. She said that my fear was a sign that i had some demons i needed to deal with, i said to her fine but who are the demons?where are they?why are they on my butt? what do i need to do? Me alter said to me to slow down, breathe deep and listen to my heart beat Listen to my heart beat? my heart sounds like 15 drums all going at the same time. I think i need someone to talk to , someone who has no need to make judgements on what i think i have to say,cuz i'm not really sure of what i have to say. Me alter said i needed to make silence my friend and embrace the quiet. I must do something, maybe silence is the answer. I remember when i decided to talk only to wimmin for a whole year, wow what a year that was, i got sent to jail for not talking to a police officer,then went to jail in jail for not talking to the social worker who was not a womon,then went to jail in jail again for not talking to the judge who was not a womon, and when i would tell the wimmin that i would only talk to wimmin, i got written up for a visit to the shrink,who was a womon, and then i talked my ass off, and she wrote up the report,after i made sure that she realized that i was not nuts, just talking to wimmin-only. So on finding someone to talk to my honie was the one, i learned how to write the unspoken language of Runic and wrote many letters to my honie who answered me in the same Runic language. Maybe this is the time for silence again, however as i have been often told by some of my elders remember burnt child fears fire. I don't know that i could go to jail again, go thru all of the shit of jail again and come out sane as i did before i don't know that I'm that strong now. O FEAR HOW DO YOU HOLD ME AS YOU DO? O FEAR HOW CAN I RID MYSELF OF YOU. O FEAR O FEAR O FEAR TURN ME LOOSE.

WHO IS NEW

i never thought that i would be scared to met new wimmin i am, i quess all the tenets of group dynamics are in play the whole I C A thing that i thought i had forgotten. Inclusion, Control,Affection are all in place, the wimmin are coming to my apartment in an unsafe part of town i will miss calling her that if i should move.Now do i really want to move to THE HOUSE as they call it, deep in my heart i want to stay here, am i overlooking something that is good for the all of us, i like the apartment I'm in,i like the hood, i like the people. Me alter said what does your heart say? what does your mind say? what does your gut say? well my heart says stay here,my mind says move it is time, my gut says this is a wonder filled opportunity to move into another phase of my life with other wimmin and myself. Will i be able to pay the rent? what if the wimmin agree to move and i move and then they decide that they want to go elsewhere? What if don't like the people in the area? or what if i don't like the neighbors? What if feel responsible to stay there or what if some other wimmin want to stay there? Who will help me if i case i need more money to keep it running? what if i cant find wimmin who will or can do the work that i can not do? All these questions keep popping up in my head, what to do? Me alter said take it to the group. I asked is my life about the group or about me? Where does one end and the other begin? I guess i will know something soon enough. But this saying that my mother would always use came back to me just now "what if a bullfrog had wings" and she would answer "if a bullfrog had wings he would not bump his ass when he hopped. Gnats and Camels,Bullfrogs and Wings sounds like a good title for a song.

SO WHATS COOKING

I called some of the wimmin who come together to have a (LHD) event/action, one womon told me that they had gotten together at G..... house for the last event, no one wanted to prepare food so they ordered Chinese food and had a wonderful event, she told the foods that they had and mentioned the discussion on the moving to THE HOUSE as she called it. I asked how many wimmin came she said about 25, they did not bring any food from their gardens, nor any food for the next event, but decided that they would wait till i got back in town to see if i was still interested in doing food at the apartment,she said she was very happy that everyone agreed to have a vegetarian style Chinese meal and realized how much she had missed me and thought that everyone had,that was so good to hear. On THE HOUSE she asked me if i was willing to move to THE HOUSE, told her that i still had to give some thought to that and that i wanted to know what the other wimmin thought about it,she did not want to talk about the other wimmin opinions and thought that it would be better to talk about it at our next (LHD) event/action. She also said she did not think it was necessary for me to call the other wimmin to tell when the next action/event would be, reminded her that the time and or date had not been established so i thought calling would be necessary, she agreed. So i will make phone calls tonight and see what happens. I missed all the wimmin and am looking forward to calling and talking to them.

MY NEW FRIEND AT THE 1-95 UNDERPASS DINER

Yes i am back and i decided to go see my friend at the underpass of the 1 95 dinner, i named it that cause that is my Lesbianhousedining- wimmin- only- space with my homeless womon friend. She was there, she looked very tired and she had a terrific odor. I gave her some avocados from the neighbors tree, some limes and some water, she said she really wanted a hot meal, told her i would make and bring her a hot meal next time i came, also told her it would be a vegetarian meal, she laughed and said OK, but asked me if i could forget the squash she would not mind, asked her couldn't she give it to some of the other wimmin she answered no, wanted to ask why not but changed my mind. I also wanted to say something about her odor but i didn't really know how to approach this, how do you tell some one that they stink and do it politely, is that really possible, and does she really stink, maybe its just that i did not like the odor, and i can always get up a leave if it offends me so much. I stayed there and we talked or rather she talked,she spoke about being homeless and what that meant to her. She said i haven't always been homeless, been homeless this time 5years,the other time i was homeless i changed my mind and started living with this womon i had known for years,but she had men problems, she wanted one so badly that she would go sell her bod and then give the man she wanted all her money, which he would take and not come to see her again until he needed more money, when i talked to her about it we got into a huge argument she said things that angered me and i did the same, with the last argument i thought it would be best if i moved out she agreed and i left, i had save up some money but i wanted the freedom i feel when i live outdoors and there are no outdoor shelters established by the government excepts highways,byways, and freeways. I thought to myself what a wild way of seeing and looking at things. She called this government house for the homeless. I asked her why she did not like shelters? here is what she said they stink, a womon has to watch out for all the men who are all over you, because they mainly provide housing for men we wimmin are don't get the same quality of services, and we are expected to do all of the menial work that even homeless men feel that they should not, she said if i wanted a husband at least i would make my own decisions about who it would be, so she said i don't do shelters. I thought to myself hell i wouldn't do shelters either. I asked her did she want to live in house maybe with other wimmin? she answered had enough of that the last time. Well the time had come i needed to leave her told her i would see her later, asked her if she wanted to come to my house and take a shower, she answered i need water inside today not outside,well with that i got up to go, she stood up and leaned toward me as though she wanted a hug, for a minute i said to myself o no please don't hug me you stink, so i did not move toward her,she moved toward me, gently kissed me on the cheek smiled and said good-by, i did the damnest thing i actually hugged her and said good by. I really felt very good doing that and her odor lingered in my nose till i got home and i took the shower. (LESBIAN HOME DINING)LOVE WIMMIN ONLY SPACE ,what is all that really about ? as my Peruvian friend would say qien sabe. Well i know its time for me to see my other friends and find out what has been happening since i last talk to them and saw them.

HI NEW FRIEND

Gonna go visit my new woman-friend under I-95 underpass, take her a meal, talk with her a bit, I've got seven dollars i wanna give her, let her know that i will be gone for a little bit and will see her when i get back, and then i outta here for a bit, i will see if i can not think for the next l5 to 20 days,see if that is a possibility, alter says it is not possible but what does she know about my capabilities? i give her a run for it on this one. bye I'm gone

SO NOW WHATTA I DO?

Well i must say us lesbians/wimmin never ceased to amaze i can understand now why sometimes we are called or we call ourselves amazing amazons. All the wonderful food that they left is enough for me to make several meals, i wonder if it is time for us to increase our numbers, o no not numbers again. Nope i cant take that right now no more numbers no more. But on the food i could ask if we can get together twice a week since we have so much food, or i could prepare something for my neighbor women or i could take some to my new friend under the l-95 underpass diner, or i could keep it for myself, what to do what is right to do i just don't know right now to much to soon. First a possible new place to move then a lotta of food and also the money is increasing i think i need to show how that is being used also. So now what i really realize how much i have grown to like the wimmin well all the people in this neighborhood, i can now understand why the young ones call this the hood. I think of a hood and the purpose of a hood to cover, to protect,to shield, warmth, wow i never thought moving from one place to another could bring on such strong feelings, but this is like moving from a protected place to one that i am not sure of. Maybe i am as my mother would say straining at a gnat and losing a camel. So what do gnats and camels have to do with this? O me alter is coming fore i can feel her, i think i have found a way to lower her voice in my ear. Simple i start singing in my pretend a sing voice the one my sister said would wake up the dead, see if that works. Well I'm suppose to go see the house with the other wimmin, i don't really want to go cause i really don't want to hear anything negative about the house, my alter said to me i think what it is really is that you have decided that you want the house and you don't want to hear any reasons about why it might not be such a good idea. Or is it that you have not given thought or don't want to give thought to the possibility that G...... is gently pulling you into her corner, i resent that you make me sound as though i have allowed myself to be taken in when you say such things, me alter said well if it is not so no problem eh? Well i said to myself i wonder if i should just call the and make up an excuse as to why i wont be there to see the little house with them, and then i heard me alter say liar liar pants on fire. Well i asked myself what is my hesitation with going with the other wimmin about really? I must admit i don't want to hear anything negative about the little house, alter says so maybe you wont , but whats with not hearing anything? I did not say i didn't want to hear anything i do want to hear everything,so OK then go and listen. So anyway about the food? I know the perfect meal i will make for the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING)action/event now about the money. I find if i start to sing its more difficult to think so now i sing, better yet i think i will put barb ester on the Cd player and sing along loudly, loud, louder, yes that's good.

HUH PLANT BASED WHAT?

Well i got into talking so much about the eggs and mozzarella cheese at the last (LHD) event/action i failed to talk about the womon there who said i still need to talk about my addiction to meat and it seems to me everyone here wants to avoid talking about that, is it more comfortable talking about something else she asked. One of the other wimmin said she thought now was a very good time to talk about addictions since we were talking about eggs and the mozzarella cheese anyway. The womon who identified herself as having a meat addiction ask a very intense question, her question, does anyone else here feel as thoughthey have a meat addiction? One womon said i think i can stop eating meat if i really wanted to forever but i don't really want to, she went on to say that she felt to call a love for meat an addiction was not in her reality because meat is here for us to eat, and calling a love for it an addiction was the same to her as was calling her love for money an addiction and her love for man and his kind an addiction. She also said that she thought we as wimmin took on the illness of victims when we identify something or someone we loved as addictive. That is was high time we looked at what we did in a positive lights rather than negative ones, i did not quite understand what she meant but i hesitated to respond because it seemed to me that i am always the one who is questioning, questioning, so i on this one kept my mouth closed. Remember G...... she had something very interesting to say she said she had been raised as a vegetarian, she came from a family who tied vegetarianism into their religious practices and her family was very strict about it, she said when she married a man he also was vegetarian for religious reasons and she felt this was at the bottom of their divorce,because he no longer wanted to be vegetarian and she did, she had refused to cook animals for him and that he would not eat non vegetarian foods in public but when they were home he insisted that she prepare meat for him, this caused her to see him as a lying hypocrite and when she told him this his anger about it was the cause of many arguments so much to the point that they stop relating to each other and a divorce was the only way that she could keep her wits about herself operating. She also said after her divorce she toyed with the idea of not being vegetarian but had an extreme amount of difficulty releasing herself from the guilt about eating animal parts. One of the wimmin asked her if she was still a vegetarian? she said i stop being a vegetarian for five years, i have now been a vegetarian for the past seven. Everybody wanted to ask her questions about her experiences she was quite gracious and directed the conversation back to the womon who wanted to talk about her meat addiction. I must admit everyone did seem a bit uncomfortable listening to the womon who talked about her addiction. I asked her if she wanted to become a vegetarian, she responded that she really did not know but did not think so, however she said i do enjoy so much coming here to the (LHD) actions/events cause i give myself a chance to see how me and the as y'all call it plant based foods do together. I thought to myself now there is a helluva womon wow she is damn honest, and i like that. I told her that i thought she was a helluva womon for being so candid and honest. I also told her not to be so hard on herself cause coming here was a tremendous step and i also told her what i think on becoming, becoming anyone,and on being, being who you feel you really are,she didn't say anything she smiled. Another womon said she thought addictions were very real and needed to be dealt with as a reality, and the best way she said to deal with addictions is to get help, i asked here isn't that what this womon is asking for help in dealing? I was not quite ready for her reply which was, yes but we are not authorities on the subject of addictions and perhaps we need to develop a list of experts who could come to the meetings and help us with such things as addictions. I asked her who is better acquainted with my addictions than myself and where would we get these ex perts who could tell us how to deal with our concerns who are more knowledgeable on us than we are? The womon who identified her addiction as a meat one said i have been to all the ex perts that i am going to i would really rather stay here and deal with this on the level i have chosen with other wimmin, wow was i glad to hear her say that. I asked her do you have a meat addiction or would/could you call it a food addiction? She said she had never thought of it in those terms. She also said i just know that i really love meat, she also said i have heard some of you say that the 3M's are the divide and that they come together as a divide, are you saying that if i love and have to have meat i love and have to have men? and love and have to have money? One womon i thought was very harsh in her response she said without a doubt. The other womon said that one i will have to think about and through, another womon said i don't know if that is so cause i dont have a meat addiction and i do love my husband and i sure as hell don't hate money, and i said but look you placed them all together as a love, she said so? Well the time is getting late i said and besides i was getting very tired and i noted so were the others,so i asked if we could call it stops for the evening everyone agreed except one womon who said i really think that we should continue until we can come to some agreement and i said agreement on what her response on if there is truth in that the 3M's all come together. I said i am tired she said i don't think the group ends simply because you are tired, i said you are absolutely right, so, why don't you all carry on and when you are finished please be sure that all the lights are out and the stove is also i am going to bed and with that i got up went to the bathroom and went to bed i did not hear them when they left. The next morning i got up and saw that they had cleaned up everything,left me a note that they would like to meet at my apartment in an unsafe part of town next week, they also left the following 5lbs organic brown rice, 5lbs organic pasta, 5lbs organic sweet potatoes, 5 organic Spanish onions, 6bunches of organically grown for some womon's yard of spinach,7lbs of organic tofu, a 3lb box of organic quinoa, 2bags of corn tortilla chips, 1box or soy milk and 110 dollars. Wow what an evening. I looked at all they had left and heard myself say so where is the homemade mozzarella?

SO THESE ARE PLANT BASED?

Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING)event/action went really strangely i enjoyed some of it some of it was eh to me, it was good being with the different wimmin old and new ones. I am always delighted in watching the faces of the new wimmin who for many of them are in wimmin-only-space for the first time, i often wish i could get inside of their heads to hear them thinking. First of all the ambiance was great and i felt great. The food was one of the main topics everyone thought it was superb and every single womon except the new ones wanted to know if i thought the eggs and mozzarella were plant based foods. At first i felt very defensive about having to talk about eggs and mozzarella being there,but the conversation i had had with me alter really helped me through. The womon who asked me the most questions about the eggs and mozzarella said she too was having a very difficult time moving away form eggs and cheese in her diet and one of the things that helped her was egg replacer and nutritional yeast, she did say sometimes these worked for her and when they did not she found herself eating eggs, she also said that her need for eggs dropped when she ate more beans, i thought to myself now that's a real farter. Another womon said she wanted to know how i had rationalized putting eggs and mozzarella cheese out to be eaten by them when we had all agreed on plant based foods being served. I said well those foods were left by wimmin from the last event/action, she said so? If someone had bought chickens would i have served them, i replied i did not think any one would bring chickens and of course i would not have served them. And again she asked what made me served the eggs and mozzarella? I told her that after a lotta of thought i decided to serve them and yes i realized they were not plant based, and yes i remembered that we all had agreed to plant based food. I also said i guess i had made a mistake by serving them but it was a toss up between me eating it in private and not saying anything or serving them and seeing what would happen and eating it with others. The womon said so is that your idea of eating plant based foods it has to done with others but non plant based foods are to be eaten in private. I said no. Then i really did it i said no one had to eat it, and i asked what would she have done. No one said anything when the womon left the food there, so why not why didn't someone object to her bring the food there in the first place and i reminded them no one said anything then. One womon said she would have put it her frig and eaten it by herself since the agreement was on food served at the actions/events and she felt she could and would eat anything she damn well pleased outside of the . Another womon said she thought we were making mountains out of molehills, another said she did not understand how eating eggs and cheese harmed anyone, another said it seemed to her if we all agreed on something in and for the group we should adhere to it, another said she thought that if it was ok to have eggs and cheese then what was wrong with paying a fixed price for the food and allowing some men in the group ? One woman said ok lets start again and lets see if we can get some clarity. So she suggested we vote on it? I ask can we agree on it and forget the voting,another womon wanted to know what was wrong with voting and i said i did not say anything was wrong with voting i just want to know if we could agree on it, the group verbally voted to vote on it. I did not vote i agreed on it. The"it" this wimmin-only-space? yes, plant based foods? yes, money exchange left up to each womon?,yes. Wow and that was on eggs and mozzarella. O were they eaten at the action/event? Yes.

YEA? SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EGGS AND MOZZARELLA?

So anyway i put out a lovely display of food for the (LESBIAN HOME DINING)event/action,wow was she ever impressive.I think i strutted around like a peacock full feathered tail ashow, and in the midst of my peacockish strut a womon said o wow non plant based food is this really for real? In the house of the rising sun,there is an animal based food upon the table o what goddess should we ask for forgiveness, i thought she was shitting me but she carried on like this until every womon was there on and on and on really ad throwism, i really want to say to her shut the f.... up. she kept it until she hada chorus of wimmins voices repeating the same thing

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EGGS AND MOZZARELLA?

So i told meself when i was preparingthe food for the next (LHD) action/event. But what about the eggs and mozzarella cheese left by the womon from last time? I asked myself now what do i do as i said i love eggs and especially from home grown chickens and how prey tell how can i give up the home-made mozzarella? What shall i do these are not plant based foods. So i talked to two beings me alter and one of my best friends my lover. Here is what each of them had to say. Me alter said OK if indeed you sincerely believe you need to eat only plant based foods how do you justify your eating of eggs and mozzarella cheese even if they both came from a home made source? Believe it or not here is what i said. Well on eggs they are basically plant based consider the chicken eats greens,beatles, worms, bugs, grubs, grain and she turns that into an egg and it does not kill her when she has an egg and i eat it. Me alter said no it does not kill her but when you eat an egg you are killing future chickens. And that perhaps i was more of a killer than those who did not eat the egg, but ate the full grown chicken who probably had given up all her eggs for me to eat, my thoughts went back to my sister who will not eat an egg (cause she says that when you eat an egg you really are eating a chickens monthly) but she will eat the chicken. Me alter asked me if i could feel comfort thinking about who i was killing in order to eat, i asked her if was possible to eat whatever i wanted and not give thought to who died, she asked me can you? You know I've gotta admit at this point i wondered to myself is it possible to get rid of an alter and how do you do it? Me alter said i know what you're thinking but betcha you cant do it. Now all i wanted to do is eat the eggs and the mozzarella, but OK alter give it to me what about the mozzarella? i am not killing anyone by eating it and me alter said so is it plant based food? I answered the cow is a vegetarian(and at this point me alter said unless man steps in and feed them another animal, then you get mad cows), she also said to me if eating another animal causes a cow to go mad what do you think you as an animal eating her could do to you? But i am not eating the cow i am eating the cheese made from her milk and in this case its home made cheese. Me alter said so is it a plant based food? Look i said to my alter all i wanna do is eat the eggs and cheese cut me some slack will you? Slack? she said hey they are your principles. I wondered could i eat the eggs and cheese when no one else is around and no one would know the difference, me alter said you will and then you will be a liar liar pants on fire. She said so what will you tell the other wimmin who know that you got the eggs and mozzarella at the last (LHD)action/event? Then to top it off she said and you will know that to thine own self you can't be true.Me alter could tell i was pissed-off, cause i said OK enough of this already, she said so what are you going to do? So what i did is i boiled all the eggs, and while they were boiling i would look at them in the pot jumping around and i thought about the cooking of live shrimps,lobsters,crabs,eels,conchs, and all the other live ones who get boiled alive, i thought to myself am i really killing the future chickens of what the world? America? What? What? So i covered the pot when they were boiled and walked away from the stove thinking to myself so how come i like eggs so much is this the ghosts of all the animals i had eaten in my life coming back to haunt me and i haven't even gotten to the cheese. On the mozzarella cheese i think i will make a caprisse salad along with the boiled eggs to serve. And what did my lover say to me about all of this ? Two simple words YOU DECIDE. Well here i am face to face with me, on one hand eggs and mozzarella call me on the other hand i am scared to decide. So this one i will talk about at the (LHD)action/event. Another voice inside my head screams i like eggs i like eggs i like mozzarella i like mozzarella.

AN EVENT/ACTION

Well i am feeling a bit a great bit sounder and better. I am going to do some divination on my dreams soon. Today my concerns are with calling the wimmin for the next (LESBIAN HOMEDINING) action/event. There are 18 wimmin i will call i will not invite any new wimmin myself if the other wimmin are going to do that i will remind them of the space i live in and if they are alright with more than 19 of us in the space I'm OK with it. So i made the phone calls 2 of the wimmin can not make it but both of them said they had invited 2 other wimmin,the others said they would be there but they were not inviting anyone else, so we will still be 19 wimmin including myself. I am regaining excitement about the new (LHD) action/event, and i think i know what i will prepare, i know now that i don't have to prepare everything because at every event wimmin bring something without me having to ask. From the last event i have navy beans i will make a big pot of beans,with steamed mustard greens,mashed white potatoes,and a nutritional yeast cheese sauce to go over the mash potatoes, and seitan Mongolian style, lemonade, and i got some Bing cherries from the store that will be dessert. I will do a centerpiece from the apartment yard and the music i will play will be Rosanna's Luna's rotas, and Ana belen viva l'italia, i am looking forward to this event/action and i have promised my alter that i would be hospitable, i promised my self the same thing. And i made the caprisse salad and will put out the boiled eggs and see what happens. And now to wait.

WHAT? What?

Well i got a lotta sleep and wow did i ever dream a lot, in one of my dreams i was with my friend under the 1-95 underpass and we were talking about the good times we had had together over the years and before she decided to become homeless. I realized in my waking moments that i was going over the good and the bad times we had had, i remember on one occasion we had be out on the lezzie town checking out all the bar where we lezzies hung out at that time i was still a very young lez the age of the ones who are called dykelings today, and we were walking home because she said she was to drunk to drive and thought that i was to inexperienced at driving,so we started to walk, i had not realized we had such a just a long way to walk until we had been walking for about an hour and a half,and i said to her if i had known it was going to take this long i would have thought of something better, she started laughing and laughing and would not stop, and before i know it i was laughing also, i finally asked so whats so funnie, and she said to me just imagine if our mothers had known it was going to take that long to bring us here, would they have though of something better and if so who would we be? Then she stopped laughing and said to me wow have i got to pee. I said well i guess you will have to hold it till we get to a bathroom somewhere, she started to laugh and this time i felt she was laughing at me she wasn't though cause she said wow there is really so much in life for all of us to learn and if you lived a thousand years you still couldn't learn it all, and at that she squatted behind an approaching tree leaned up against it pulled down her pants and draws and started to pee i looked at her with my mouth open, she said what haven't you ever seen a dykeapissin, i started to laugh and she said all trees need water to help in their growth and that is what i am doing i am helping in the growth of trees, just remember next time you see a tree some womon or lezzie has watered her to help in the growth process and always remember to do your part. Do not allow them to take your water away or convince to give it up unaware of the value. I remembered saying to myself then is she crazy or what? However i have and still am a dykeapissin when i see i tree now i find i always wanna pee,so what is that about? Now i must say i woke up smiling just dreaming about her and me. A huge amount of sadness has left, i think of her and i smile and i know it will always be that way. Now what does that have to do with (LESBIAN HOME DINING?)

STILL THE EVENT?

Well i must say i did pay a bit of attention here tonight, the food was o.k. the ambiance was good the music fine the centerpiece i forgot to do one and one of the wimmin mentioned it, i suggested that next time they could bring whatever they wanted as a centerpiece. I really realized i was not the best company tonight, the wimmin were very kind to me but i honestly must say i really did not deserve there kindness, i was a real s... all evening. We discuss where the next event would be i asked if someone else would like to have the event at their place and got the comment from one of the wimmin "and have to listen to you again about what kind of food" my comment to this was yep. The 18wimmin left 1 loaf of organic bread, 2cups of nutritional yeast, 3 bunches of organically grown mustard greens from her garden, 5 organically grown white potatoes, 3 dozen eggs from their chickens, 2lbs of home made mozzarella cheese(the womon who gave the cheese ask if this was acceptable since cheese was not plant based?) and the same question came up about the eggs. O now what do i do i love eggs and mozzarella cheese and neither is plant based. O chickens, O cows what now brown ones? Where does the truth end and the lie begin? 4boxes of organically grown pastas, 2lbs of organically grown navy beans, 3lbs of vital wheat gluten organically grown for making seitan and 100.dollars. I asked myself can i continue can i keep this up and for what am i doing this? Sleep and dreams are very important in helping to resolve many things. I need sleep. The decision is to meet here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town next time.