ME AND MY ALTER

Well well my alter said to me are you ready to confront your fears/demons? do you want to talk to me? would you rather wallow in your fears/demons? is it more entertaining or fun for you to feel helpless and a victim? Want do you need to do? What do you want to do? (Remember she said when you don't know what to do do nothing) So doing nothing i have put my hands to preparing for the next LESBIAN HOME DINING event/action. Now that my hands are busy, i asked my alter so what do i do with my brains? She said OK lets talk. She asked me of what was i so full of fear over? Her question caused me to think i had never thought of it the way she had asked of what was i so full of fear over? I thought to myself of what? of What? of what was i so full of fear over? I thought and thought and could not come up with an answer, of what was i so full of fear over? Maybe i said to my alter i need to ask of who cause i really can't think of a what. My alter said so then of who are you so full of fear over? The way she said the who annoyed me. I said do you have to say who like that, i mean who but why who? She said OK,who, and i must ask you why the annoyance over the way i said a word? seems to me that you are trying to get rid of a hot potato, or i just hit the huggler, and she said huggler just to annoy me some more because she knew my grandaunt who could not pronounce j"s would say huggler when ever she meant juggler. I said to her i really think you are trying to see to what extent you can go to get me really pissed off. Then she went on her high horses and said to me "surly you have better command of the English language and enough awareness to find another word to indicate you anger than "pissed off", o so now its all about me right ? she said i thought it was always all about you. I started to tell her what she could do with her freaking advice, but i had to ask myself so why are you so annoyed? I began to really think and think about my (I'm not sure if i should call them mine any more) fears and about who or what were those fears(that i some how have not been able to identify yet) about. Well in the midst of those thoughts me alter up ed and said ha ha you see now don't you? It really is more fun having fears for you than not, why don't you see if you can be fear-less fear-less fear-less, and then she started to sing this song that i know she was making up as she went, she sang to the tune of little sally walker sitting in a saucer. her song went o little little victim, sitting in her pitdom, rise victim rise, dry your weeping eyes, turn to the east victim, turn to the west victim turn to the north victim,south your victim lost victim, and with her singing of that song i think i got it. I think I Got It I Think I Got It All words all words, and then build feelings around the words, and then you get it? I think so.

WHO NEW YOU?

I have been caught up in the thickness of fear and self something i don't know what to call it,i almost don't want to go to any more actions/events, i am fear full of something and i don't know what. I want to stay in bed, cover my head and let the world go by me. I think i want to find somewhere i can go where i don't know anyone and no one knows me.All those new wimmin, wimmin i love so much but how can you love someones and be fear full of them at the same time? My alter is having a ball yapping in my head. She said that my fear was a sign that i had some demons i needed to deal with, i said to her fine but who are the demons?where are they?why are they on my butt? what do i need to do? Me alter said to me to slow down, breathe deep and listen to my heart beat Listen to my heart beat? my heart sounds like 15 drums all going at the same time. I think i need someone to talk to , someone who has no need to make judgements on what i think i have to say,cuz i'm not really sure of what i have to say. Me alter said i needed to make silence my friend and embrace the quiet. I must do something, maybe silence is the answer. I remember when i decided to talk only to wimmin for a whole year, wow what a year that was, i got sent to jail for not talking to a police officer,then went to jail in jail for not talking to the social worker who was not a womon,then went to jail in jail again for not talking to the judge who was not a womon, and when i would tell the wimmin that i would only talk to wimmin, i got written up for a visit to the shrink,who was a womon, and then i talked my ass off, and she wrote up the report,after i made sure that she realized that i was not nuts, just talking to wimmin-only. So on finding someone to talk to my honie was the one, i learned how to write the unspoken language of Runic and wrote many letters to my honie who answered me in the same Runic language. Maybe this is the time for silence again, however as i have been often told by some of my elders remember burnt child fears fire. I don't know that i could go to jail again, go thru all of the shit of jail again and come out sane as i did before i don't know that I'm that strong now. O FEAR HOW DO YOU HOLD ME AS YOU DO? O FEAR HOW CAN I RID MYSELF OF YOU. O FEAR O FEAR O FEAR TURN ME LOOSE.

WHO IS NEW

i never thought that i would be scared to met new wimmin i am, i quess all the tenets of group dynamics are in play the whole I C A thing that i thought i had forgotten. Inclusion, Control,Affection are all in place, the wimmin are coming to my apartment in an unsafe part of town i will miss calling her that if i should move.Now do i really want to move to THE HOUSE as they call it, deep in my heart i want to stay here, am i overlooking something that is good for the all of us, i like the apartment I'm in,i like the hood, i like the people. Me alter said what does your heart say? what does your mind say? what does your gut say? well my heart says stay here,my mind says move it is time, my gut says this is a wonder filled opportunity to move into another phase of my life with other wimmin and myself. Will i be able to pay the rent? what if the wimmin agree to move and i move and then they decide that they want to go elsewhere? What if don't like the people in the area? or what if i don't like the neighbors? What if feel responsible to stay there or what if some other wimmin want to stay there? Who will help me if i case i need more money to keep it running? what if i cant find wimmin who will or can do the work that i can not do? All these questions keep popping up in my head, what to do? Me alter said take it to the group. I asked is my life about the group or about me? Where does one end and the other begin? I guess i will know something soon enough. But this saying that my mother would always use came back to me just now "what if a bullfrog had wings" and she would answer "if a bullfrog had wings he would not bump his ass when he hopped. Gnats and Camels,Bullfrogs and Wings sounds like a good title for a song.

SO WHATS COOKING

I called some of the wimmin who come together to have a (LHD) event/action, one womon told me that they had gotten together at G..... house for the last event, no one wanted to prepare food so they ordered Chinese food and had a wonderful event, she told the foods that they had and mentioned the discussion on the moving to THE HOUSE as she called it. I asked how many wimmin came she said about 25, they did not bring any food from their gardens, nor any food for the next event, but decided that they would wait till i got back in town to see if i was still interested in doing food at the apartment,she said she was very happy that everyone agreed to have a vegetarian style Chinese meal and realized how much she had missed me and thought that everyone had,that was so good to hear. On THE HOUSE she asked me if i was willing to move to THE HOUSE, told her that i still had to give some thought to that and that i wanted to know what the other wimmin thought about it,she did not want to talk about the other wimmin opinions and thought that it would be better to talk about it at our next (LHD) event/action. She also said she did not think it was necessary for me to call the other wimmin to tell when the next action/event would be, reminded her that the time and or date had not been established so i thought calling would be necessary, she agreed. So i will make phone calls tonight and see what happens. I missed all the wimmin and am looking forward to calling and talking to them.

MY NEW FRIEND AT THE 1-95 UNDERPASS DINER

Yes i am back and i decided to go see my friend at the underpass of the 1 95 dinner, i named it that cause that is my Lesbianhousedining- wimmin- only- space with my homeless womon friend. She was there, she looked very tired and she had a terrific odor. I gave her some avocados from the neighbors tree, some limes and some water, she said she really wanted a hot meal, told her i would make and bring her a hot meal next time i came, also told her it would be a vegetarian meal, she laughed and said OK, but asked me if i could forget the squash she would not mind, asked her couldn't she give it to some of the other wimmin she answered no, wanted to ask why not but changed my mind. I also wanted to say something about her odor but i didn't really know how to approach this, how do you tell some one that they stink and do it politely, is that really possible, and does she really stink, maybe its just that i did not like the odor, and i can always get up a leave if it offends me so much. I stayed there and we talked or rather she talked,she spoke about being homeless and what that meant to her. She said i haven't always been homeless, been homeless this time 5years,the other time i was homeless i changed my mind and started living with this womon i had known for years,but she had men problems, she wanted one so badly that she would go sell her bod and then give the man she wanted all her money, which he would take and not come to see her again until he needed more money, when i talked to her about it we got into a huge argument she said things that angered me and i did the same, with the last argument i thought it would be best if i moved out she agreed and i left, i had save up some money but i wanted the freedom i feel when i live outdoors and there are no outdoor shelters established by the government excepts highways,byways, and freeways. I thought to myself what a wild way of seeing and looking at things. She called this government house for the homeless. I asked her why she did not like shelters? here is what she said they stink, a womon has to watch out for all the men who are all over you, because they mainly provide housing for men we wimmin are don't get the same quality of services, and we are expected to do all of the menial work that even homeless men feel that they should not, she said if i wanted a husband at least i would make my own decisions about who it would be, so she said i don't do shelters. I thought to myself hell i wouldn't do shelters either. I asked her did she want to live in house maybe with other wimmin? she answered had enough of that the last time. Well the time had come i needed to leave her told her i would see her later, asked her if she wanted to come to my house and take a shower, she answered i need water inside today not outside,well with that i got up to go, she stood up and leaned toward me as though she wanted a hug, for a minute i said to myself o no please don't hug me you stink, so i did not move toward her,she moved toward me, gently kissed me on the cheek smiled and said good-by, i did the damnest thing i actually hugged her and said good by. I really felt very good doing that and her odor lingered in my nose till i got home and i took the shower. (LESBIAN HOME DINING)LOVE WIMMIN ONLY SPACE ,what is all that really about ? as my Peruvian friend would say qien sabe. Well i know its time for me to see my other friends and find out what has been happening since i last talk to them and saw them.