DREAM? NO NIGHTMARE

I was startled by the sounds of a lot of doors banging they sound like doors to me, i felt the door open heard the sound of something sliding, felt the motion of whatever it was i was laying on, heard a voice say, this is the one that they left a note on last night saying "still alive?" heard the zipper being unzipped, finally felt the heat of the place, started opening my eyes, heard the voice say "Holy Shit" she is alive, looked into the eyes of someone with a mouth mask on, blinked, and heard my voice say where am i? saw the figure in front of me fall to the floor, heard some other voices say " Holy Shit" again and darkness came again.

WHERE AM I?

I hear voices, a lotta voices some of them are loud others sound as if they are whispering or murmuring, i make an effort to open my eyes again and again, they hurt, i feel something tugging on my feet as though someone is pulling me by my feet, then i feel something being thrown over me a blanket? plastic? something not really heavy but strange, then i hear what i think sounds like a zipper, i feel my body being picked up and thrown onto something hard like a table, a car door sounds like two car doors slamming, some more murmuring voices and then i feel the motion of a car as though i have been thrown into some sort of vehicle, its very cold in here where ever i am my head is hurting like mad and i think i need something to drink, dark comes again and the next thing i hear is someone saying hey this chick ain't dead. I remember jumping straight up i was in a bag but i jumped straight up in the bag and i heard my voice say help help then i heard a zipper go down and i looked in the blue eyes of someone who was standing there with their mouth wide open as though they were about to scream,but i scream first and everything went black again. Am i dead? Am i in hell or heaven? was that really someone in front of me? an i really in a bag? This has got to be a dream.

WAKE UP? I AM

HEY WAKE UP WAKE UP, this voice kept saying wake up i am awake, i think, i feel myself making an attempt to open my eyes, i keep trying and they are beginning to hurt, i finally get them open, i realize i am laying on a sidewalk, in any alley, its becoming daylight i think, i feel the heat of the morning sun or is that the heat of the side walk, as i crack open one of my eyes, i see blood on the sidewalk coming from the tips the fingers on one of my hands, and i also see little bugs look like ants eating the almost dried blood off the sidewalk and coming toward my fingers, my legs I can't really feel them, i can't really feel anything, i make an effort to swallow but my throat feels as though i have swallowed sandpaper, i can feel every nerve in my body trying to connect, but nothing is moving, where the hell am I? what happened to me?, i can feel the twitching of my nerves but nothing else is happening, no motion, no nada, i feel myself drifting back off to somewhere. Everything has become dark again.

THE DARK STREET?

the streets were absolutely dark not a bit o light coming from anywhere or so i thought, i heard that in the darkest dark that there is always light, i caught a bit of light coming from some where behind a building and started toward it, as i walked closer to what i perceived to be light i realized it was the glow from a neon coco cola sign that was flickering on and off inside the building, no one was on the streets but me that seemed a bit strange, i continued to walk down the middle of the dark streets hearing my own breathing and footsteps, where the hell am i? what city is this? where is everybody?, i know i have been walking for at least a half hour and not a soul in sight, my heart started to beat a bit faster, and i noticed i had started walking faster, why i really didn't know i heard a loud noise sounded like a bomb had just exploded and i started to run, run down the middle of the streets and there was no one but me running, i ran behind a building wound up in the ally way behind the building, out of the dumpster jumped two cats chasing each other, i leaned up against the dumpster, shaking like a leaf and took several deep breaths, asked myself what the hell are you running from or to, i am thirsty i need some water, no water in sight, where the hell is every body? i walked out of the ally way into the empty streets again, still no one insight. I started to wonder where am I what is happening? Alter where are you i need you come quickly please. no response. i kept walking rapidly some time slowly some time, sometimes running again, i hear my own voice telling me to calm down, breath deep, calm down breath deep. Slightly ahead of me i see what appears to be a big dog, then the figure changes into a big cow, then a big something i really can't tell what a human, an ape, a big animal of some sort, i think for a minute just keep walking as though there is no one there, maybe it's may imagination playing tricks on me, maybe just the shadows of light and dark playing tricks on me, i get closer to the figure and must make some judgement of what to do and how to do it, maybe I'll call out, maybe i won't, maybe i should start walking in another direction, that would surely show fear, me alter shows up, showing fear is not always a bad thing she said, i know i know i responded, but what should i do? stop she said just stop, right now, but i could not stop i must go on to see what it is i don't see, so i kept walking and as i walked what i thought was closer to the figure the figure began to disappear right before my eyes. I got closer and as i got closer i discovered that there was no figure there. what the hell was that i about i thought to myself. I pasted several old buildings that were dark and empty, so i thought, just as i got past one of the building i heard a window open and a sloshing noise, i looked up and out of one of the windows in the building came what seemed to be an ocean of water,as though a flood gate had been open, the streets begin to fill rapidly with water and i realized that the water was moving swiftly toward me, i saw what appeared to be snakes swimming toward me along with some alligators and what looked like dogs, i turned to run the other way but there was water coming from that direction also, then the rains started, i didn't know what to do, i started to scream but my voice would not come out, i saw a tree and thought i could climb up in the tree maybe until this passes, i started up the tree and just as i was about to lift both my feet off the ground i saw four set of red eyes looking at me from the tree, i open my mouth to say something i don't know what when something swiftly darted past my head and jumped to the ground, i heard myself scream and i was screaming to the top of my voice, when someone said hey WAKE UP.

i was asleep? no. was i asleep? am i asleep now? quien sabe?

I DID NOT LOOK IN THE BEDROOM I LOOKED IN

the kitchen, i wanted to look very badly wanted to look in their bedroom, as a matter of fact i wanted to go and jump in the middle of the bed and pretend it was me in the bed with, with, with, (me alter showed up and said i know what you're thinking kiddo) no she doesn't. i started to just crack the door to the bedroom you know just to look in, as i reached for the door i heard a car door slam, my heart jumped into my mouth wow supposed i had opened the bedroom door, they would have caught me, i went to the window facing the front yard and expected to see their car, but it was the postal car delivering the post. i took a deep breath out and walked toward the kitchen and started looking in the cabinets, drawers, refridge, and nooks and crannies, i was positively impressed when i saw so many healthy food stuff, no wonder they look so great, i went to the fridge and grabbed some OJ, drink some, and began to think of how great i would feel fixing them a meal, they have been so kind to me, so i will fix a meal for them and for me also, i mean they do not have to eat with me, but it would be nice. so i started to fix a meal. They had some fresh kale, collards, kohlrabi, sweet potatoes, carrots and broccoli, so i decided to make a vegetarian jambalaya with some quinoa pasta, it turned out really good. It was almost night time and they had not come back,i waited until eight o'clock and decided to eat, so i ate alone, outside, next to the fire pit, there was no fire. Time past it was dark and i lite the fire pit, secured the house for them, left on the porch light, and sat at the fire, wondering when they would get home. I wondered is this the way they felt when i did not show up at THE HOUSE, when i had gone homeless? I began to get nervous and jittery when 10 o'clock came and they still where not there. I had an herb to calm myself, me alter showed up and said on don't fret they probably took this time to go somewhere together now that they know that you are here, i said to my alter they don't know if i am here i could decide to go elsewhere you know, me alter said o but you won't, i heard a car door slam,voices, their voices, i started to jump up and say wow where have you been i have been worried about you all, but i did not i restrained myself and stay at the fire, i heard them come into THE HOUSE, someone went to the bathroom, the back door opened and it was Sally smiling and complimenting the fire, i told her that i had made food for them, she said o how kind and sweet of you, but we have eaten already, and i am sure the food will be good later, she said goodnight and closed the door, i expected more than that (me alter those are your expectations she said), the door opened once more and it was Gloria, she walked out the door, closing it behind her came over and sat next to me at the fire, i told her about the food,she thanked me and then asked me the strangest question, she asked was going homeless worth it? i asked worth what ? she looked at me smiled and said i think you know what i mean, stood up and said have a good night i am going in, and left. I threw some more wood on the fire it was hot as hell, i asked my self why the hell would you put more wood on the fire it's almost 97 degrees out here now, i heard me alters voice IS IT PASSION THE HEAT OF THE FLAME WHAT? and i answered what what?

WOW WHAT A FIRST

I think me alter may be on target, i think well that's the problem i think. i feel as though i have just met Gloria and Sally for the first time, they really are some fine wimmin, i wonder what do they think of me (me alter says grow eggs and ask), don't think i will do that. i like being in the kitchen with Sally and i like talking to her and Gloria, they seem so much into each other don't know if they really think of me often. I've been watching both of them when they or rather when i think that they are not aware. Gloria moves with such ease of body as though she really is not in a body, and Sally reminds me of darting lizards, she moves rapidly, i bet she's a Gemini and i bet Gloria is an Aries, I'm gonna find out some way or the other, again me alter says ask.
My mind is beginning to play a few tricks on me, i really need to find something to do with my hands, maybe i will start or continue the garden that Sally started. I would love to go into the house and sit with Sally and Gloria just to be in their company don't know how to do that just yet. Just as i am thinking that Gloria comes floating out the door she said she was going to go shopping for some organic lychee's and wanted to know if i wanted to come along, of course i did but i do not want to seem to anxious, i said why don't you and Sally go and i will clean up the kitchen for you, she thought that was a great idea i did not, she floated back inside and in a few came out with Sally in tow, saying i convinced here to come with me you have THE HOUSE and the kitchen, if you want to clean that's fine but you can still come with us. From the look on Sally's face i think that she would really like to be alone with Gloria. I am disappointed that she did not invite me to come along with them, they took off. I went into THE HOUSE, at first i was going to start cleaning the kitchen but it was not really in need of cleaning, so i move into other parts of the house just looking around, i will not go into their bedroom although i would love to go in there and jump right in the middle of their bed and pretend that they were in it with me. me alters voice (o no you), o no you what, i didn't do it i was just thinking, i would not dare go into their bedroom while they are gone. me alter o won't you? no, no, no. and i said to me alter don't gimme that s... about protesting to much.

THE FIRST MEETING FOR ME

well i have accepted the reality that i must meet with the other wimmin in the group before i can go on with the idea of being a part, so tonight there is a meeting at THE HOUSE, i am very nervous about tonight, i will not be doing any cooking and will face everyone with little or no space to hide, me alter said i could hide outside around the fire and i just may do that. Gloria and Sally have made quite a few changes in THE HOUSE, i have to get use to having so much furniture in a room, when i left the only furniture i had in the living room was a big ugly comfortable chair and some pillows, now there is a couch, more chairs, a coffee table, an ottoman, and some bookcases filled with books on everything from apples to zen. i do not care for that much furniture but i don't live here anymore so i can accept it. Sally was as happy as she could be moving around in the kitchen, she asked me if i could or would show her how to make a vegan pate out of carrots and cashews, i did, then she asked me if i could show her how to flavor and cook tofu, i told her that if i am not to be in the kitchen until the group approved, then i would not show anything else after the tofu, she was OK with that. i noticed that she had baked some sweet potatoes, and had made collard green wraps which she said was her invention for the evening, that it was raw and that she hope others would like it, i asked if i could taste, she agreed, and wow what an invention. she had made the vegan pate and then wrapped it in the collard green leaf it was very very good, i told her so, she smiled. with her smile i realized that i really liked her very much, every since i had met here when she first came i always felt at home and comfortable with her, i wondered how old she was and was about to ask her that when Gloria came in the kitchen kissed her and told her that she was going to run some errands and wanted to know if she needed anything, it was at that moment that i realized that i wanted to be the one kissing Sally, i embarrassed myself. i left the kitchen and went outside to start a fire in the fire pit, the fire in me was burning like mad. wow what a fire i made, i had gotten so involved in making it i disregarded the height, Gloria came out looked at the fire looked at me, started to say something, changed her mind and went back into THE HOUSE. i started to lower the flames a bit by removing some of the wood, and scattering the fire. i know i must keep my mind and hands busy, i do not want to think of Sally nor Gloria at this time, i realized that i felt annoyance at myself for my thoughts, me alter came to me and asked are you falling in love or is it just you need sex? no i am not falling in love, and yes i need sex. alter said i do not believe you. i will be glad when the meeting begins, i think.

SISTER THIS IS THE TRUTH I THINK

i called my mother and my sisters today, one of my sisters said she wanted to talk to me not over the phone but in person, we agreed to meet this afternoon at her house, i do believe i know what she wants to talk about and i am ready. i am clean now bath hose felt good. as i was stacking the fire pit Gloria came out , sat on a rock, and said i feel that we need to talk, you know you walked away from here without telling anyone anything, and to tell you the truth i do not feel that i can trust that you will not do that again. i told her that she was correct in her thinking, i did not know if i would not do that again. i also told her that i had been living homeless on the streets because i wanted to know how that felt, and that i had learn a lot about myself and others i also promised that if i choose to become homeless again i would tell her before i left, and that i did feel really bad about not offering an explanation, but as Gertrude once said explanation is composition and i did not feel the need to compose at that time. she asked me what did i think would cause me to compose should i choose to leave again, i answered that i really did not know. i made a promise to her that if i were going to leave for a lengthy period of time i would let her know, she was satisfied with that. she asked me how did i see myself re-joining the group and also told me that there were some wimmin who were very angry with me and that i might need to address myself to this, i said i would eventually. she said she did not think it would be right for me to start to cook for the group until the group said it was o.k., again i answered fine. i have to give some serious thought to joining this group again, perhaps i will start a group on my own, with a whole new bunch of wimmin. i don't know yet, i will attend a group meeting before i make a decision.

DOES WATER TAKE IT ALL AWAY?

my outdoors bath was absolutely divine, i feel so clean inside and out i don't know if the water did all of that, or is it just being back at THE HOUSE and talking to Gloria and Sally that causes me to feel as i do, i happy and glad to be here. Although they offered me to stay in THE HOUSE, i think i am going to get myself a tent and live outside, i like being outside but not homeless, so a tent will become my home. i will talk to them about this i do not want to appear as though i am taking over or that i have the right to do this without their permission, i want everything to be OK. i never told them about my homeless episodes, i have talk to my mother and my sisters and told them that i am back, i don't know if i will tell them or anyone about my homeless affairs, here comes ole alter she asked me what are you ashamed of? i did not say i was shame i just don't have a need just now to tell anyone about being homeless. i know in time that Sally will talk to me about this because of her experiences of being homeless. she seems pretty happy at being a homed womon now. i wonder if she misses living outside, i walked over to the fire pit and began to stack the pit with wood yes a fire would be nice. so i started one this one in memory of all the wimmin who lived or may live as a homeless or homed womon.

TO MYSELF I AM TRUE I THINK

sitting on the floor talking to Gloria and Sally was quite an experience for me and i would imagine for them also. i found out the the wimmin's group and the mix group was still going on, that the numbers had grown to 50 in the wimmin's group and the mix group had about 25 or less, i guess all is good. i asked about the food, what was being eaten who was doing the cooking where the food was being gotten from, and i was happily surprised to find out that the wimmin had continued to eat and prepare vegetarian foods and made attempts to access organic foods not only from the store but some of the wimmin had started going to an organic farm down in the southwest of the city also some of the wimmin had started to grow gardens with organic herbs and veggies and a lot of the food was being used from the gardens. an added event since my departure was the exercise night, this was when the wimmin had picked one night out of the week to do some sort of exercise ritual with each other, the exercise was chosen by a different womon each week. i really wanted to know more about Gloria and Sally's tryst but i did not inquire, and they did not tell me. i was curious if i would be able to stay there at THE HOUSE inside or out but i did not want to bring it up. me alter said do bring it up. i sat for about an hour with them doing most of the talking until Sally asked me so how was you time on the streets as a homeless? i thought to myself how did she know that i had become homeless i certainly had not told her. i looked at her for a bit and said i don't know if i have the braveness to do that again, she said never again, should you do it "it", would be anew, i agreed. i told her about my feelings on buying food since i had been on the streets, i mentioned the attitude of other people toward those who are seen to be homeless, i also mentioned how among homeless wimmin and men that there seem to exist a class system that i found that to be very strange, she said she did not think it was strange since we take ourselves with us no matter where we go and with that we also take our attitudes, perceptions, value systems and all other manners of being, it's just we don't live in a house. They told me that they really enjoyed living in THE HOUSE and that Sally had taken over the task of cooking for the group and the group events, Sally said she loved cooking and was really glad that i had gone away so that she could get a chance in the kitchen, she also said that if i like both she and i could continue to do the cooking for the group and that we could do it together or take separate days, i told her that i would give it some thought. i mentioned that i had seen some tricycles in the yard, that's when Gloria said that they belong to two little girls who come to the meetings with their mothers and the group thought the tricycles would help to entertain them while their moms were in the meetings. i really breath a sigh of relief, and felt more inclined to ask about living in the back yard, cuz i could not see myself living in the house with Gloria and Sally. Gloria seemed to be reading my mind again and at that place said you can stay in the house with us if you like, she nodded her head look toward Sally who was also nodding her head in agreement, i thought to myself live in THE HOUSE with both of them well i don't know about that, the backyard seemed fine for now i said. At this point Sally asked me if i wanted a bath i smiled and said wow our roles certainly have switched, then i asked her do i stink, she smiled and said water would not hurt your body right now, with that i said to her i think i will do what you did when i first asked you the same question when we met, and with that i stood up went out the back door undressed and begin to rinse and soap myself down, the water felt good, i felt good, i started to cry and that felt good.

THE NEW G ? OR IS THAT THE NEW ME?

i sat down on the floor as G..... motioned to me to sit. i don't think she meant for me to sit on the floor it just that is that habit i had developed, i started to get up and sit on the chair she had motioned to but i did not, she tilted her head as though she was about to say something, started to sit, stopped and asked me if i would like something to drink or eat, i wanted both and started to say no but she had already started toward the refrige and i was not about to say no then, i said why thank you. She said i could fix you something special or if you like i can make you a smoothie, i thought for a moment, now where will i get my next meal maybe i better ask for a big one (at that place me alter appeared she said just to remind you you have not been eating large meals so watch you gut) i said to G..... a smoothie sounds great, and indeed great it was, when i finished it i wanted to lay down and go to sleep, i sat on the floor and was about to ask a question when the bedroom door opened and out walked Sally. Yes Sally the homeless womon who came before i left and who was living outside in the tree and making fires. i know that my mouth was open because Sally said to me a real shocker huh? close your mouth. i did. well now what is going on i thought to myself and G..... must have read my mind she said to me well what is going on now is that Sally and I have become friends and lovers, i moved from where i was at to be with her here and she agreed to move inside THE HOUSE with me, as you can tell by the heat of the fire pit she still insists on having a fire almost every night, she said it was in memory of you. i thought to myself in my memory well that's interesting so did she move in with you in memory of me also at that place (me ole alter girl said jealous jealous jealous). yes i am i admit but jealous of what of who, they looked very happy together and they neither one of them had ever promised themselves to me nor i to them. and yes i am jealous, and at that me alter said well you finally learned how to thine own self be true.

THE HOUSE?

i have been standing around in front of THE HOUSE now for a good 30 minutes no on has come out of THE HOUSE and i can still hear the radio spewing and screaming, how the hell does anyone stay in a house with the radio blasting like that, this is THE HOUSE although she is a different color a bright yellow ( and i must say a warm color) i know her. i noticed some tricycles in the yard so that means children are here, i wonder who is living here now, i will stand here for another 20 minutes and then i will knock on the door to see what's up. what is very interesting is that no one on the entire street has come out to see or act as if they don't see me, i know that there is someone peeping from behind a curtain somewhere, that is interesting also cuz in the posher hoods the residents leave the cops to do the questioning, in this hood the neighbors will ask questions to those who appear as strangers, that is why i find it odd that no one has shown a face, that means that someone here remembers me, now to find out who. OK it is now an hour later and no one has come out of THE HOUSE as a matter of fact no one has come out of any of the houses and i know it is about time for someone to leave to go to church, sooooo it is about knocking on the door time, gather the courage to do that and then what do i say um hi i used to live here, or hi do you remember me or maybe could you tell me who lives here now? i started across the street courage in hand, walked thru the gates, on to the porch, hand fisted to knock, and the door opens and standing in the middle of the door is G......, she smiled at me and said we were wondering when you were coming over to knock, we saw you in the yard this early a.m., saw you lay down to go to sleep, and decided not to say anything to you we wanted to see what you would do. where the hell have you been,she asked what is going on? she said you look great wherever you have been seems to have been good to or for you? are you coming in? what is happening? are you here now to stay? what do we owe this visit to? i noticed she kept saying "we" i wondered and wanted to know who is "we". I smiled, said hello, and i must admit i was totally surprised to see her here and at the same time very happy it was her and not some one else, she invited me in, i went in and closed the door behind me, as i entered THE HOUSE i noticed quite a few things had changed, and so had i.

MUSIC? NOISE? ENTERTAINMENT? WHERE AM I?

waking was very easy, the sounds coming out of THE HOUSE at this time of morning startled me, i thought it was music but as i listened more intently i realized it was noise, or was someone entertaining them self, the noise turned to voices, sounded as though someone was preaching inside the house, then the voices turned to music, maybe i am at the wrong house, i looked up in the trees no one was there i know when i left here to become homeless she was living in the trees, where is she now? did someone run her off? what was her name i must remember before i attempt to knock on the door, i think i best get out of this yard before anyone sees me, so i gathered my stuff and went to the front and outside the gate, it was still early so i did not knock on the door, the noise,music, entertainment i realized was the radio or TV playing some church
services, and then i remembered that it was Sunday a day of grace and thankfulness or is it, i began to think about all the wimmin and men living on the streets the homeless, i think we are called, that is really something to think about. on the streets, food and clothing was really never a problem, being safe well that is another story, but are we really safe anywhere? i just walked into a yard and laid down while the people inside never realized that i was there, just supposed that i was up to no good,they would have never knowed it till i was on them, so what exactly is safe. so anyway, i am standing outside THE HOUSE across the street, i have been here for some time now and no one has come out of THE HOUSE, what to do?

I SEE THE ROOF TOP

it is a bit dark but i think i see the roof top of THE HOUSE, it is about 2 a.m., i don't know who is at or in THE HOUSE, yup that is THE HOUSE, but something is different about her, maybe it is because it is dark, i don't think i will make an attempt to go inside her before daylight, there are two cars parked in front and they have painted her a bright yellow, wow that is a change and very nice i can't really see the curtains nor can i tell who is there, THE HOUSE is dark. i think i will go to the back yard to see if anyone is there and if not i will sleep there tonight. i did do that i found a place near the fire pit, the pit was warm as though someone had used it recently, i looked up in the trees and thought i saw a body up there but i can't really tell it's to dark, i started to call up into the trees but changed my mind just in case this isn't the right house and i did not want to awaken anyone, nor surprise anyone, i put my jacket down on the ground under the tree and made an attempt to go to sleep, surprisingly sleep would not come, and so i remain awake till the sun started breaking and then found myself falling off to sleep, memories of being on the streets i guess. i am home or homed. or am i?

THE NIGHT TIME IS THE WHAT TIME?

well i didn't snatch the ice cream, i made it to the next 20 blocks it is getting dark and i am getting tired again, i wonder if that is really tired or anxiety about getting closer to THE HOUSE.
i remind myself that there is nothing to fear that i am going home, me alter asked me how did i think the wimmin would feel about me leaving without notice and now showing up without notice? she asked me what if they thought that you were not coming back and changed everything? what if G...... decided since i did not tell her where i was going, that THE HOUSE needed to be rented to someone else, i know that i did not give her notice but i did not give myself notice either, so how do i explain that? why do i have to explain anything, am i obligated to anyone? and me alter answered is anyone obligated to you? well nevertheless i am walking to THE HOUSE and for now i am calling her home. sun is setting, night is a little cooler, still is humid, feel the sweat dripping down my back. i thought that i had mastered the body thing and that my mind would wipe out anything i insisted on, but this hunger that i am feeling has my mind in a turmoil all i can think about right now is food, i thought to myself you know you have been really good about maintaining a vegetarian diet while you've been on the streets why not reward your self with some real food there is a Church's dead chicken fast food place, why not go get one of those BREAST? i thought to myself where did that one come from i had not had a thought of eating a dead bird in over 20 years, what made that thought show it self? i heard myself say hunger and me alter said bull-hockey your hunger could have lead you to think of cabbage or a piece of fruit as well, and i responded yea but it didn't, and besides the money i have i will not spend on a dead bird. me alter said well now what will you spend it on? she also said are you really that weak of spirit that you cannot allay your own petty hunger?

THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR IS IT SO LONG?

I woke with a start, i don't know what startled me nothing nor no one was around,there were some men sitting under a tree shooting crap (or is that call shooting dice)? why would anyone want to shoot a crap or dice? strange I'm sure no womon named that one. so anyway i sat there for a bit watched a dog piss on the edge of a tree and wondered if the tree i had been laying under had been pissed on by dogs and men and how many sniffs of the piss had i inhaled while i slept, me alter appeared and said tis a little late now to wonder about piss you did not wonder that when you fell asleep, so if you need a piss calculation i would say that you probably inhaled 3000 breaths of dog and man piss, dog and man do, squirrel, rat, worm and who knows what other kind of piss, do, and do do. i started laughing so hard i started to actually cry and i could not stop crying, one of the men who had been shooting craps came over and asked me if something was wrong, i do not know what got in me but i said yes i am a lesbian and the world sucks, to my surprise he said yep and i am a black man and you are so right the world sucks but what you cha gonna do about that, i wouldn't die over it if i was you he said, i said yes i am alright, he looked at me shook his head and went back to shoot the craps, when i thought about what he was going back to do i started to laugh all over again and the tears started again, me alter said get a freaking grip womon so i right en myself, sat for a few minutes, gathered my stuff and started to walk to THE HOUSE again,no as Gert would say not again, now to begin. so i started to walk, i don't do ice cream, but i remembered one time i saw i little girl with a fudge -icle i wanted it so bad i thought about snatching it out of her hands and running away with it, i didn't do it but the thought came back to me as i was walking, but this time it was a womon walking down the streets toward me she was eating an ice cream cone and i wondered if i could snatch it out of her hands eat it and run without her catching me, me alter said i would not consider that if i were you, you have enough money left why not buy one? i thought about that a second and then begin to realize that i had acquired all of my food while i lived on the streets as a homeless and never paid cash for any of it, and the weirdest thoughts came to my head and i asked myself is this country so full that waste is necessary for money to be made and if so why should any food or anything else for that matter be paid for with money and money alone? i thought to myself did the sight of ice cream bring this on? maybe i should go back to eating ice cream,but there really is no going back is there? so i must go on walking to THE HOUSE,TO THE WIMMIN, TO MY MOTHER, TO MY SISTERS.

60 DAYS AND NOW THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR HOMED?

i realized that it has been 60 days that i have chosen to be homeless and in these 60 days i have learned a lot about myself and others, some of what i have learned i will not examine until another time, some of what i have learned will be with me for another lifetime. one thing i have rediscovered about myself is my love for womon and being womon is and can be very intense at times, i am learning how to space my thoughts so what so as not to have them flood in on me when i feel most vulnerable, i have learned how to hold my thoughts to myself and sort through
them some before letting them flood out of my mouth , i have learned that i really do like and miss me alter when she is not there, she did not seem to have much conversation with me on the streets and i think that is because i was being rather than doing so much. i am still walking toward home or THE HOUSE and i think i will arrive around 1 a.m. tomorrow morning, i must think of what i need to say to the womon or wimmin who are at THE HOUSE, i thought about calling but that is not a good idea, i want to see their faces when i talk to them, i want to feel or make an attempt to feel as they feel and i want to assure myself that my thoughts and experiences are as vivid for as long as i can. the walk home or rather to THE HOUSE seems to be longer than the walk away, i saw the same man who had been asleep on a bus bench that i scared sitting on the same bus bench, i started to say hello, i knew he remembered me just as i had remembered him, i started by him, looked at him, he nodded, so did i, and then he said to me so how was it? i asked him how was what? your trip he said, i shrugged my shoulders, kept walking and he said see you latter, i thought to myself i don't think so , i said to him have a safe day, and then i wondered to myself why did i say a safe day and not a great day. i really started thinking about the safety of wimmin and men who live on the streets, are dogs treated so badly? again i don't think so, i passed the grocery store that i first stopped at to ask for some work, the man who owned the store looked up at me as i past by he was sweeping off the sidewalk in front of his store, just for the heck of it i asked him if he had any work that i could do in exchange for a cheese sandwich, he stopped what he was doing and said ain't you the same one who asked for work before? i answered yes, and he said what did i tell you then, you told me that you could not be bother with homeless people and especially wimmin because if we where right we would have a husband and a family to take care and not be on the streets, he said right but you come on in i am not real busy and i will see what i can come up with, at that time me alter showed up she said be aware of what you are about to get involved in, and i remember a saying my mother had whenever she felt not too comfortable with something,she would always say something is not right my head tickles, and my head was more than tickling it was down right itching, so i refused his offer he said see you all are all alike, with that i kept walking and walked a bit faster, i did not like him something about him gave me the creeps, so i walked noting with my eye in the back of my head that he was not coming after me with his broom, he was not. the mangoes that i had eaten earlier were in my lower tract and i was getting very hungry, i remembered that i had read we could survive on water alone for a period of time before our bodies started to eat up vital cells, so i figured i was safe on water at least until i got to THE HOUSE, and now to find water, i had learned being on the streets that it was very important to have a pair of pliers, so that when you saw a faucet you could turn it on and get water, so i spotted a faucet on the side of an old bank building, i had a plastic jar which had become my constant companion, went to the faucet and filled it up with water drank it, filled it up again and continued walking, i knew that i would need to rest in about an hour so i started thinking about sleep time i knew that i would be relatively safe sleeping durning the day and could continue my walk to THE HOUSE later,so now for a nap. there was a huge empty lot with some trees and the lot had just recently been mowed, so i walked over, placed my pack down, spread my jacket, sat down, looked up and around and laid down, sleep came easy.

COMING HOME OR GOING HOME?

well i have made up my mind i am going home or should that be coming home or should that be home is where the heart is, i am at home even though i am living on the streets and under the expressways and trees, bus benches, parks, beaches,behind stores abandon cars, trucks, houses, buildings. i do believe that i want to go back (me alter says there is no going back) OK i agree i want to go on to live in THE HOUSE i was living in before i got this thing to live homeless, yes there is a certain feeling of freedom living on the streets, however there is a high level of danger and a womon must sleep with her eyes open all the time day and night, i do not think the dangers are any greater than if a womon lives in a house, apt, condo etc., however the dangers seem to be more intense and close up constantly, i do know that i have become a less fearful womon since i have been on the streets i do not seem to have the hovering internal fear of everything and body now that i have allowed myself to live raw, so to speak, i also realize that i truly enjoy being with other wimmin and i really do not miss the crush of humanity nor do i miss man and his kind. I must figure out a way to re conciliate myself with my mother,sisters and friends, i have been talking to my mother a bit and assured her that i am OK, she still thinks that i am visiting friends and i will leave that like that,(me alter says that behavior is dishonest) but this is the way i will leave it for now, maybe latter i will tell everyone where i have been and what i was doing, now what is important is for me to get back to THE HOUSE and start using my new found inner freedom. so with that in mind i am starting my journey to THE HOUSE. i started this journey on a bus bench,so i think i will find a bus bench for the time and see how it goes, the bus bench i decided on was not the same one i started out on, this time i deliberately picked a bus bench in the POSHERS area, it was still daylight so i felt relatively safe, i parked my butt on the bench, pulled out a dated newspaper, a pencil and my note book, i felt that this was a perfect time to do some more writing and not only that the cops are less incline to bother me if i look as though am reading or writing something, glad that the weather is nice, i noticed that in a POSH HOOD if you always look as though you are involved in some sort of intellectual act you know like reading those who pass by get curious about what it is you are reading and almost always want to hold a conversations with you, so knowing that i had found a magazine that someone threw out called healthy living this womon passed by said good morning, smiled, and said that is a very good magazine you are reading, i told her that i had just become acquainted with it and she informed me that she saves all her copies to read again at a later time because they were so informative, and then she kept on her way, i continued to sit and act as though i was reading, and i really thought i was reading until i heard a plop that was the magazine hitting the ground, glad it was not me i had fallen off into a deep sleep. i got up from the bus bench saw a bus coming wondered how many buses had past, looked into my pack i had enough money to catch a bus and buy some bananas, i thought about both of those ideas, decided not to catch the bus and started walking, walked for about an hour spotted a mango tree full of fruit on an empty lot and went mango picking, picked seven mango's ate three and continued on my way to THE HOUSE. Seems as though a lot has happened since i first started on this trip and the trip has not been a year although often times it seemed that long. As i was walking some teen-age boys passed me and i heard one of them say to the other i bet shes street garbage i turned around and said HEY, they turned and looked and me and i growled the deepest growl i could muster up and as i was growling i started to walk toward them, one of them said that bitch is f...... crazy and they ran like bats out of hell, i just stood there and me alter said and so what were you going to do and i heard myself answer i don't know, my heart was beating fast and i found myself smiling, i kept walking and at this point i realized that i was about two days walking from THE HOUSE i had promised myself that i was going to walk all the way, right now though i am full and i need to sit a bit, i found a supermarket sat at one of their out door tables pulled out my Swiss army knife and started to peel a mango, a man sitting at the table next to me said wow that mango sure smells good i know you did not buy it here, at first i was going to ignore him but i also discovered since i have been on the streets HE DOES NOT ENJOY BEING IGNORED and i at this point care not to get into it with HE so i looked at him and without a smile and said o no sir a friend gave it to me, he wanted to continue conversation which he did i said nothing, he finally got the drift but not before he came over to the table and said to me you look like you could use some company, that did it i said please leave me alone at first he turned colors and said to me young lady you could learn some good manners, i started to say and you poot-butt need to go to hell, i did not say a word and he left. (me alter said you are beginning to learn how to think some before you open your mouth, see how effective that is) i did not say anything to her either, i kept eating my mango and thinking to myself MEN REALLY THINK WIMMIN ARE HERE EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEM. NOW THAT IS REALLY IDIOTIC

THE LONGER TRIP HOME

i found out that there is so much more to life than meets the eye.

IT IS TIME TO GO

it is time to go or rather become homed, the life of a homeless womon is really beginning to get next to me i have been arrested twice on a whim, my patience is short, i want to get into a bath tub and take a bath, my clothing is beginning to really bother me although i can get more clothing from a lot of places, i just need to be in a house, i am tired of looking at and seeing so many homeless men, wimmin are really scarce out here and i can really see why, finding somewhere to sleep has been easier since i met J.... the snuff using womon, but even with her i find that my need to be in her company has or rather is still dwindling, my need to talk to my mother, sisters, and the other wimmin is getting stronger every minute, i find that my desire to be in close contact with people other than the wimmin i enjoy is at zero. everything seems to have taken on the odor of the streets the stench of the streets, i smell nothing but street smells, can not get them out of my nose, a short rain intensifies the odors, sunshine does not seem to take the odor away, i go into the stores and they stink, everything and everybody stinks to me, maintaining a vegetarian diet has not been difficult but it has not been easy either, everyone loves you initially when they look at you as a novelty, but after that you are still just a homeless. I know it is time for me to become HOMED. Now how do i do that and what do i tell about where i have been and what i have been doing, or do i tell at all? Is there some shame in being homeless and is there some dignity in being homeless and is there dignity and shame about being homed?

32 DAYS A HOMELESS WANNABE?

Well it has been 32 days that i have been a homeless womon, the new world that has opened to me is truly unbelievable, i really understand the idea again and again of "home is where the heart is", i know it is time for me to turn in my homeless womon wannabe badge and go home, i have talked to my mother and sisters again, i have talked to some of my wimmin friends still not telling any of them what i am really doing, i think i will talk to them about that when i go back to being a homed womon, for now i give my self two more days on the streets and i will go back to what i used to think was not so great now i know better. i have been placed in jail twice for a cop's whim, i do not want to go through that again, i do know now that it does not matter if you or wrong or right police can and will take you to jail on a whim, surely it may not create a jail record for you but the humiliation that one is taken through is inhumane and intentional. The last time in jail was for spitting after a police MAN had finished talking to me, he said i was spitting at him and i said i would not waste my spit on him, (go directly to jail ) for what? as he said by the time i get you there i will think of something. He was right i was charged with loitering held there for a day, saw a judge, released after 12 hours spent time served, cop did not show, and i am really pissed off, maybe next time i will spit on him. These thoughts will send me back to jail, time to leave the streets, i refuse to be run of the streets by cops, or do i? Me alter told me that some battles we choose and others choose us.

26 DAYS IN A ROW

Well day number 26 as a homeless wannabe i never would have imagined that i could last this many days living as a homeless womon and i have, my little purple book has become my real companion, whenever i get a chance no matter where i am i still find the time to write in her, i do this now and yet when i was a homed womon i seemed to have so little time to sit and write. Gertrude S., once said one writes when one is not being for when one is being how can one find the time to write, well i think i am being or am i? am i really being or doing? o well. when i become homed again i will do less writing, the writing is a way for me to release some of the feelings i am having and beginning to have about homedness and homelessness. i think that that is not possible, home really is where the heart is. i got a chance to meet another homeless womon other than the one who is now homed in the back yard of THE HOUSE. she was one of the homeless wimmin who carried all her goods in a grocery cart she was not really easy to get to talk to nor know, she was very suspicious and guarded of her things she reminded me of some of the homed wimmin i know. i got too close to her cart one day and she came screaming at me like a mad womon i backed up out of her way and said to her i meant no harm, seemed as though she growled at me but she was saying to me "get away " i did, so now whenever i see her i just nod and she nods back at me, i heard some of the men talking about her, one of them said she must have a lota goods in the cart where do she sleep? the other man noticed me watching them and touched the man talking he stopped talking. i thought to myself i bet she has every reason to growl and i did wonder where she slept i figured if she could find a place to sleep and not be bothered by men i wanted to know so i made it my business to see if i could become friends with her, i made sure i could follow around her without becoming to close but showing i wanted to be a friend well i wanted to find a safe place to sleep i noticed that she like chewing something and one day i asked her what it was she showed me the packet it was peach snuff and then i almost gaged cause she open her mouth and show me this black looking stuff that was stuck in her bottom jaw, she must have seen the horror on my face and started to laugh i smiled, looked at the packet and decided that i was going to buy some for her not now but one day i realized that i was being really devious my mind was intent on finding out where she slept, but i also knew not to move too fast with her she indeed was a very wise wise womon, i wondered about her age but i did not ask her. i made a connection in the land of the homeless there is still those of us who hold on with all our might with what we think belongs to us, however this is also true among the homed.well now me alter said to me truth finally finds the ignorant.is she calling me ignorant?

DAY NINETEEN

Nineteen days into being homeless or rather a homeless wannabe. i really am giving a lot of thoughts to stopping this homeless trek. damn cops tired of their assholery, tired of sleeping with my eyes open, homeless men seem to be following me around now, every where i go my old hang outs are being haunted by them, went back to the health food store and the supermarket where i worked before they would not even see me i was curious why so i changed my hair covering and went inside the stores and at both places there was some homeless guy doing what i had done before, i got a chance to talk to the womon at one of the stores she told me when i did not show up again this homeless guy showed up everyday so she was going to continue to use him untill he stopped coming and if i wanted to check in everyday to see what was happening i could do that. well i suppose that was my error, i had seen the guy on the streets and it seemed to me he was constantly watching me, when i caught his eyes he winked and smiled and me, i said to myself yep that's him i remember the no teeth smile from somewhere before, i said to myself he was watching were i would go and come in after me,( i heard a voice known as me alter in my head and she was laughing like mad and repeating the word paranoia paranoia, i think it may be soon time for me to put my ass back in a house.

WHO WILL I TELL THAT I AM HOMELESS?

Well called my mother to tell her that i was OK and fine, but i could not bring myself to tell her that i was homeless,not only did i not want her to worry, but i felt a shame about saying i am a homeless wanna be, i mean when i think about that it sounds absolutely nut-c ,so i called her and told here that i had been away with some friends up in the northern part of the state, she could or would accept that more readily than me telling her that i had chosen to become a homeless womon. i lied and told her that they had invited me up to spend a few weeks with them, i also lied and told her that they lived in the country and getting to a phone was difficult, she could relate to that one because she knew i did not have a cell, she aked if i would call her at least once a week to let her know that i was OK i promised i would, found out everyone was OK, told her i would call her on the week end. my alter showed up just now and of all things she said to me of all things, that i was still not womon enough to talk about what was really going on with me, that i was afraid of truth or i would have told my mother the truth about my decision to be homeless, maybe i said to her, but i did what i did and i am not changing it, i also told me alter that i saw no need to cause worry to my mother, her response (o cut the crap), i ignored her, i know she will go away if i ignore her long enough. so here i am a homeless wanna be, wondering what all my homed friends were doing, i thought about calling some of the wimmin in the group to see what was happening but changed my mind, besides i do not want to tell them yet that i am a homeless wanna be.
Is there really any dignity in being homed or homeless?

I MISS EVERYONE

This is 18 days homeless i must call my mother and sisters and let them know that i am OK,selfish of me not to have called them before now, i will explain everything to them now that i have been on the streets (homeless ) for these many days, feels like a life time. so i have learned how to sleep with my eyes open, my ears wide open and how to keep my body tense and ready, the weather has held good for me so far but looking up in sky i can see Luna tilted so rain should be coming soon, must find some plastic and shelter for the damp times. i thought being under a tree during the rain might be a good idea till i remembered the lightning,so where can i hang till the rain is gone and what if it rains all night. i started watching some of the homeless men again and i noted that they hang out around the supermarkets during the rain, so taking that hint from them i spotted a supermarket in the posh hood, had on clean tennis shoes and carted me bod over to the sit down to eat outside under the roof area and started to read the newspaper i had found in the parking lot.(it was one dated 2 days ago but that is really OK cause no one really notices what you're reading) this was just for image, it worked nobody bothered me and the rains came pouring down. i had only spent in 18days three of my 20 dollars, and i spent that for phone calls to my mother and sisters. i noticed that because i did not smoke or drink alcohol i did not spend a lot of money, i began to question why i spent so much when i was not a homeless, that is very strange to me. the rains continued for at least 2 hours and in that 2 hours hanging out at the supermarket was quite an experience. i watched the posh people come to the (automatic take money= ATM machine) wow have you ever watched people when they handle money at a machine, some of them talk to the machine, some smile at it , this one man came to the machine with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and cotton and wipe down the whole machine before he would touch it with his hands, and another womon had a mirror that she would hold up and look behind her as she put or took out of the machine what she needed. i saw this womon drop her identification out of her purse and had not noticed what had happened i thought if no one mentions this to her i would but i did not have to another womon behind her tapped her on the shoulders (she jumped a mile) and pointed to her i.d. on the ground. these two men got into an argument about who got to the machine first and while they were arguing this womon went up to the machine and got what she needed. no one really paid any attention to me sitting there it was though i was invisible, i had a friend who once told me if you sit perfectly still and wear dark colors very few people would even see you, so i did that and found out that she was correct, no one noticed. the rains stopped i still had to find somewhere sleep but i knew it would not be during the day today so i eyed where i was as a potential bedroom for the night, i watched to see how often the cops made their rounds, not many cops make rounds here at the posher's supermarket, this may be the perfect sleep spot for tonight. i got up went into the store, the business was picking up strange how people really go mad for shopping when the rain stopped, they came into the store as though an announcement had been made about food running out, i decided to note what they were buying, maybe because it was a Friday they were shopping so, i looked in their buggies and wow, sodas, juices drinks (not juice) chips, candies, (i never really realized how much junk food Americans eat, (wow if you want to make a lot of money make junk food), they kept the deli busy (buying the dead animals and their parts and by products),in the produce sections it was me and maybe 3 others the rest of the bodies there were the workers stacking produce, i thought i would busy myself by asking questions of the workers i asked to speak to the produce manager he came out and i asked him how could i tell the fruits and veggies that were gmo, conventionally grown or organic, he looked first of all at my shoes (i could tell they met with his approval) he looked at me with a stern face and started talking about hydroponically grown tomatoes,( i waited till he was finished and asked again), i could tell he was not to please but he told me if i came back later in the day or tomorrow he would have all the answers for me. i said to myself i already know how that's what those numbers on the stickers on the fruits and veggies are suppose to tell but most folks do not know that those numbers have no meaning unless the fruits and or veggies were grown in the United States of America, but you know i did not say all this i said thank you and continued looking at the produce, i love looking at produce, tomorrow i am going to go to the market where they gather and sell all the produce just to be around it , i think this is a carry over from my young days working with my father selling from the produce truck that he owned. interesting how scents can trigger old memories.

DAY 14

No one can be mean all the time, i do not think so. there has to be some measure of humanness in all of us at some time or the other or is that really so or is it something i would like to be true,cause if that is true how do you explain Hitler, Slavery in America, Misogyny, Mussolini,Chavez, and on and on ad nausea um, perhaps these are simply quirks in development there are some good notable humans although it seems as though they are hard to remember, why is it we remember the ass hole of humanity and let the names of the good people slip through our memory sieves. well i am off to another hood today enough of this one i am going to the posh hoods just have to figure out where and how. i walked from where i was to about 20 city blocks and arrived in a posh hood just in time to see the working posh get in their fancy cars and head off (i guess to work) not sure what posh people do in the early morning hours when they dress up and get in their cars, i know in the hood when folks do that they are usually going to work so i guess the poshers are doing the same. i saw a lot ta of fancy cars but none that i had not seen in the hood, the difference is the folks here are not only in fancy cars but they are dressed up in designer everything, (is there designer underwear)? i thought to myself wow their garbage should be full of good things, now to get to their garbage without being spotted there is the real art. so anyway i do not look like a homeless today i have on cleans shoes (that is always important in America, you can stink as long as you have on clean shoes,isn't that the weirdest thing you have ever heard of ?) so clean shoes the blouse i have on i found at a clothes recycling bin that was running over with donated clothing and had not yet been picked up, (i think the homeless fairies left it there for me) and the pants were there also so i am clean and fully squeaking so now here goes. first place i went to in the posh hood was a health food store again if thought i would do the same thing i did in the last H.F. store i went to so i went in again to the produce area asked to speak to the produce manager who was (thanks to the goddess a womon) i told her that i would like to do some work in exchange for some food and it could be any kind of work, she said follow me and i went with her to the produce area where veggies are cleaned, she said she could not let me work in the store because of insurance issues but she found work for me outside it was the same work i had done at the other store but in this case it was the attitude of the womon that was so very soft and accepting, no scolding about being around to often, as a matter of fact she told me that if i wanted to clean the outside every morning to be there by 6 a.m. and she would allow me to do the work for food. i did this and wow the food she gave me was awesome i asked her not to give me anything that had to be cooked, so she gave me already prepared food and some fruits she also gave me something to drink. i finished up the work got the food and went to the front of the store where everybody sits and eat and ate, full a tick i contemplated on a place to sleep, it was still daytime and i needed to get some sleep before night. i went to the public park it was a small neighborhood one no one was there so i planted my stuff under a tree, sat down under it pull out a newspaper that i had found and started to pretend as though i was reading it this gave me time to scope out the park, i had been there for about an hour cop car came through i looked at them a woman and a man nodded good morning and smiled that worked they did the same and even told me to have a good day. now was it the newspaper the shoes the clean clothes or the posh hood that caused them to leave me be. i did not know nor did i care i guess it would be another hour or two before they made their rounds again and that would be just enough time for me to get a couple hours of sleep i guess right i fell asleep and awoke to the sounds of children playing in the sandbox not with their mothers at their side but the nannies that was fine with me because the nannies in this part of the world are almost always wimmin of color and i knew that they would not bother nor report me so i went back to sleep and slept till the sun started burning my face i woke up in time to see the cop car coming down the streets i knew it was time to move on and i did. i feel great i am full well rested and on the move again, gotta get to a bathroom, back to a supermarket but i need no food water yes but no food. interesting enough in the supermarket in the posh hood the poshers buy the same things that people in the hood buy but they look at the food and each other differently well it appears to be different, they complain about the help more, they walk around as though they have everything all together, when they talk to each other they talk about their pools cars TVs (sorry entertainment centers) their new gidgets and gadgets their new shoes clothes,rings, hairdo's and don'ts, their involvement in games sports trips i mean just about everything one could think of is talked about, the one thing i did notice about them is the look in their eyes, seldom did i see a real light coming from their eyes even when they smiled it was only on their lips never in their eyes. i think i understand what is meant by the eyes reflect the soul of the body,wow never thought i would see this while being homeless what a trip and as my mother would say no that is a vacation, wow haven't heard from my alter for a long time since i have been homeless wonder what happen to her, do i miss her i think i do, the wild thing is i can not call her to me she comes when she pleases.

HOMED OR HOMELESS

Well this is my 13th day of homelessness, it really is not the worst thing to happen to me. i am beginning to believe that homed people have not one iota of feelings for anyone but themselves and i am not to sure if they have that. why would someone who seems to be enjoying some form of success act so terribly mean, there are some kind homed people but they seem to be so few and far between. o well c'est la vie or is it mort. one of the fun things about being homeless there is always something to do, something to look at, to investigate, to be curious of, people throw out everything and i do mean everything, i did meet this homeless womon who said she found 4.thousand dollars in a dumpster near an apartment building, i asked her what did she do with it and she told me she got all the drugs she thought she needed but that she wound up in the hospital damn near dead from some bad drugs, i asked her if she would do it again, she said most likely, she also said she did not think lightening struck twice in the same place. i found a beautiful pair of designer tennis shoes in a dumpster they did not fit me i took them anyway cause i could trade them with someone for something else. something else i noticed is that the cops harass the homeless wimmin more than the men and that they automatically expect a womon to be on drugs if she is living homeless, one cop told me if i continue with my arrogance my ass would go to jail and that he could find something to jail me for. i looked at him and said ye'sa boss, he said what did you say i just could not say it again i really did not want to go to jail so i said alright he drove off i muttered under my breath honkie pig, i just want to live homeless for a bit to see but to jail i do not want to go, i know it is time for me to change my area cause i have heard that this particular cop is a really royal ass who loves to see if he can get you mad enough to do something stupid. so i am moving on i think it would be fun to go to a really posh hood and see if i can get away with being a homeless, see how the rich homed act toward the homeless, so i went to the bathroom at the supermarket for my daily bath, some of the wimmin on the streets (the sex workers) had told me the secret to daily public cleanliness the supermarkets, and they were absolutely right, i went into the store disappeared into the bathroom took my washcloth (a paper towel and started to clean up) have to be careful to do this when they are not ready to clean the bathrooms, best time is around 11 a.m. cause they are getting ready for the lunch crowd and pay little attention to who is in and out of the bathrooms,the soap stinks but it gets you clean. i think when i become homed again i will have a whole other perspective of everything everyone and myself. there is dignity in every one's life i shutter and get so damn mad at the cruelness of us humans really do begin again to wonder, why would any goddess or god create a human or did that really happen that way, who created whom? one of the things that would cause me to return to being homed is i think if i stayed on the streets a long time i would wind up hating and i don't want to go back to hating again, i had done that one time to many for my own well being spiritually emotionally and physically, and o how easy it would be to slip back into that by simply watching other people. how does one develop humility compassion? what causes one to become so harsh and mean so ruthless so without feelings?

STILL HOMELESS?

well it has been nine days that i have been living homeless, what an experience, first of all food was not that difficult to get, sleep is another thing, when night comes everybody everything enters the world of the homeless, i have had a helluva time finding places to sleep where i can close both eyes and sleep deep, i have slept everywhere, i thought bus benches would be the safest place but no, i found some deserted cars and slept under them but then i had to deal more with the stray dogs and cats coming under to join me, i overheard a womon talking about finding a homeless in her yard asleep one morning, and i thought to myself wow yes there is a womon sleeping in the yard at THE HOUSE why had i not thought of that one, i will give it some consideration. now i really do not find this homeless situation unpleasant, what i do find unpleasant is finding decent places to wash me bod without a lotta harassment from those who are paid to be authority figures and those who act as though they have authority and have not been paid, interestingly enough finding clean clothing was not hard either, i got so that i looked in a lot of different places for food, restaurants, cafeterias, dumpsters, gas stations, and almost any public places i.e. beaches, stadiums (on the out side and during dumping hours), food markets, public schools were the worst to find anything, because the authorities were always suspicious of anyone that they thought should be somewhere else, so it was not worth the aggravation. one place that i found to be a great place to hang out was near the police stations and the bus benches near the stations were the best to sleep on during the daylight hours, speaking of daylight hours i learned how to sleep more in the daytime since i felt safer to sleep then and to stay awake at night, i use to wonder why so many homeless roam at night,now i think know. i changed clothes alot cause i could find clothing very easy and i really did not want to stink. i learn how to take a total bath in a cup of water and a piece of paper was not bad really. i realize that i am beginning to miss a social life with wimmin, i have to really go out of the way to avoid a lot of contact with the men who are homeless they seem to be everywhere however i must say that there are so few of us wimmin homeless that i have run into i have watch the men to see how they get what they want as homeless and i have learned a few things. still amazes me to see how humans relate and react to each other in various situations. i saw one time this man and woman in their car come up to the red light and a homeless man walk up to their car stuck his hand with a cup in it out for some change, the driver let the window down the homeless man stuck his hand in the window to get the change, the driver grab his hand and started to drive off the homeless man was ruining aside the car and the driver got up to about 5 miles per hour, laughing like mad as the homeless man ran next to the car, he finally turned his hand loose and took off, now granted men are not number one on my list but this was just damn cruel, i got up from where i was sitting and walk up to the homeless man as he was rubbing his arm and asked him if he was OK, he said yes, i went back to my seat, he went back to the corner to wait for another car. would i ask for money? i gotta think about that one. i have not met one womon homeless out her with me. what is that about? is it easier to be kept than be homeless when you are a womon? is a kept women a homeless women? how long can i stay homeless? wonder if anyone really misses me i know i am beginning to miss everyone.

WHO HOMELESS?

i find it strange how my mind can go nuts on me in a matter of seconds. The womon did not call me homeless and what if she had? is there some shame in being homeless and if so why? so does having a home make me someone special? is it really possible to be homeless since there are some who say anywhere they lay their is home? Then i started thinking again about me being or rather putting myself in a state of homelessness. i wanted to go home immediately, but dark was coming and i had to make a decision on where i would be sleeping for the night. i had often stared at places under expressways but they had no appeal for me now. i was getting hungry i had eaten all the dried fruit in that short time, i remembered that i had taken 20 dollars in change with me but thinking about spending it all on food really made me nervous. i remember seeing homeless men and wimmin hanging close to fast food places, however i have never been a fast food eater and the fast food joints did not hold my interest, so i decided i would hang out at around a health food store or restaurant. now that was quite an experience i was a bit shamed to ask for food without working for it so i went to the rear entrance of the store and asked to see the produce manager,to my chagrin HE came, i was still clean cause i had only been homeless now for 7 hours, i asked him if there was some work i could do in or outside the store because i was hungry, wanted food, but wanted to work in exchange for it, he stared me up and down ( i said to me alter hey ain't i glad i wore clean tennis shoes, i had always noted before i became homeless that in America almost everyone look at your shoes before they look at your face to make quick judgements, i could tell HE approved of my shoes). HE said well i could give you something for the next hour or two but i don't want you to make a habit of coming here to beg, i assured HE that i was willing to work for the food, HE said OK here sweep up out here and when you finish that you can sweep the front sidewalks, i thanked him, before HE went back inside HE said i hope you do not expect your food for a week for the amount of work you will do, (i did not say anything to him, but to myself i said aw shut your fart face), me alter said now is that any way to speak after someone is willing to give you a job so that you can eat? i started to sweep the sidewalks. for that work two hours later HE gave me enough fruits and some veggies that i could eat raw and in addition gave me some cooked vegetarian foods from the deli. i store some in my pack, thanked him, walked down a few steps from the store, went around the front, sat down at one of the umbrella tables where others were eating, and started to eat, i was pleased, but i did really start to wonder where could i go to sleep and be safe. i have been homeless now for 8 and a half hours.

STILL LEAVING

Well it took me quite a few days to really leave and go to be homeless. i pondered and pondered on leaving a note for my mother, sisters, and some of the wimmin from the group. i got tired of pondering and figured if i am going to do this i have to really do it, so with the clothes i had on, some change, a full meal in my gut, water and some dried fruit i walked away from THE HOUSE. i had gotten to the bus stop and was thinking of catching the bus somewhere but me alter came to me and said "you may need that money for something more important, and besides where would you catch the bus to in order to be homeless"? so i didn't catch the bus, i started to walk, i had been walking like what seemed to me hours, i had started to enjoy the walk the weather was absolutely great, but i realized i had only walked for 1 hour 20Min's when i spotted a clock on a building. i got to thinking i needed to sit down somewhere and spied a bus bench, i didn't mean to but i fell asleep sitting on the bench, i don't know how long i had been sleep and woke up with a start when a body plopped down next to me on the bench i became very annoyed and realized i was acting as though the bench was mine already. i sat up in a i am not asleep position, the body next to me was a womon who was waiting for a bus, i wondered how many buses had passed while i dozed. i really started to miss the wimmin in the group, my mother and sisters and i had only been in a homeless state for 4 hours, i asked the womon sitting next to me what time it was, she mumble the time and suggested that if time was important to me i needed to buy a watch. well that really was not a bad suggestion but it cause me to wonder if i looked homeless or something.

SO ANYWAY WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

So as i was telling, i did decided to go homeless,why? i really do not know i think it was an experience i wanted to have and i don't really know why i wanted to do it. I did not talk to A..... cause i did not want to hear anything about anyone else's experiences i wanted my own. So clothes on my back, shoes, socks, good pair of tennis shoes, 20dollars in ones, some dried fruit,water (the water is very important to me and i began to wonder if i could do something in order to get good water without having to buy it all the time), lets see what else i realize that i am scared and i think that is good. Should i take a pillow, blanket, sheet, raincoat, umbrella?, maybe i could pretend that i am really camping but i am not taking a tent,but what about a sleeping bag? Me alter said "I don't think so". So i think now that i am ready to leave, i want to call my mother and my sisters but they would only think that i have lost it, but i do not want them to worry about where i am. i shall leave them a note, maybe in an obvious place so that they can see it whenever they come this way, but if i do that the wimmin who come to THE HOUSE for LESBIAN HOME DINING -in-WIMMIN-ONLY-SPACE would also see the letter and that would defeat my whole purpose of going homeless. i never thought a seemingly simple act could be so mentally consuming. How to do this and remain sensitive to those who care for me became my concern.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN

Well I have been to grandmothers house and back again and what a journey. I went to become homeless I did it I walked away without telling anyone where I was going and I left the house. I am not very brave so I did take with me 20 dollars all in 1 dollar bills cause I remembered one time when I was a little girl my grandmother told me that when you travel with a lot of money you should break it down into small size, I had thought about changing it all into change but that thought not only became noisy but the idea became heavy just thinking about all that change. Me alter showed up and asked if she could go with me, how could I not say yes, I have never been able to get rid of her so I wondered if she was making an attempt to help me stay calm, although I feel calm I think. So anyway 20dollars, the clothing on my back and I made sure I had a lotta clothing on my back, a solid pair of tennis shoes, 3 pairs of socks, 2hats, (one on my head), I had thought about a book to read but change my mind after me alter said "weights weights, weights) I got it, I started thinking about a toothbrush and drawers (underwear) and the craziest thought came to me I asked myself do homeless people wear underwear? I definitely did not want to stand out although I don't really know if anyone will be looking at my underwear. I thought of a lotta of stuff to carry but that did not feel homeless. There is so much to write about I have to do this in stages.