THE FIRST MEETING FOR ME

well i have accepted the reality that i must meet with the other wimmin in the group before i can go on with the idea of being a part, so tonight there is a meeting at THE HOUSE, i am very nervous about tonight, i will not be doing any cooking and will face everyone with little or no space to hide, me alter said i could hide outside around the fire and i just may do that. Gloria and Sally have made quite a few changes in THE HOUSE, i have to get use to having so much furniture in a room, when i left the only furniture i had in the living room was a big ugly comfortable chair and some pillows, now there is a couch, more chairs, a coffee table, an ottoman, and some bookcases filled with books on everything from apples to zen. i do not care for that much furniture but i don't live here anymore so i can accept it. Sally was as happy as she could be moving around in the kitchen, she asked me if i could or would show her how to make a vegan pate out of carrots and cashews, i did, then she asked me if i could show her how to flavor and cook tofu, i told her that if i am not to be in the kitchen until the group approved, then i would not show anything else after the tofu, she was OK with that. i noticed that she had baked some sweet potatoes, and had made collard green wraps which she said was her invention for the evening, that it was raw and that she hope others would like it, i asked if i could taste, she agreed, and wow what an invention. she had made the vegan pate and then wrapped it in the collard green leaf it was very very good, i told her so, she smiled. with her smile i realized that i really liked her very much, every since i had met here when she first came i always felt at home and comfortable with her, i wondered how old she was and was about to ask her that when Gloria came in the kitchen kissed her and told her that she was going to run some errands and wanted to know if she needed anything, it was at that moment that i realized that i wanted to be the one kissing Sally, i embarrassed myself. i left the kitchen and went outside to start a fire in the fire pit, the fire in me was burning like mad. wow what a fire i made, i had gotten so involved in making it i disregarded the height, Gloria came out looked at the fire looked at me, started to say something, changed her mind and went back into THE HOUSE. i started to lower the flames a bit by removing some of the wood, and scattering the fire. i know i must keep my mind and hands busy, i do not want to think of Sally nor Gloria at this time, i realized that i felt annoyance at myself for my thoughts, me alter came to me and asked are you falling in love or is it just you need sex? no i am not falling in love, and yes i need sex. alter said i do not believe you. i will be glad when the meeting begins, i think.

SISTER THIS IS THE TRUTH I THINK

i called my mother and my sisters today, one of my sisters said she wanted to talk to me not over the phone but in person, we agreed to meet this afternoon at her house, i do believe i know what she wants to talk about and i am ready. i am clean now bath hose felt good. as i was stacking the fire pit Gloria came out , sat on a rock, and said i feel that we need to talk, you know you walked away from here without telling anyone anything, and to tell you the truth i do not feel that i can trust that you will not do that again. i told her that she was correct in her thinking, i did not know if i would not do that again. i also told her that i had been living homeless on the streets because i wanted to know how that felt, and that i had learn a lot about myself and others i also promised that if i choose to become homeless again i would tell her before i left, and that i did feel really bad about not offering an explanation, but as Gertrude once said explanation is composition and i did not feel the need to compose at that time. she asked me what did i think would cause me to compose should i choose to leave again, i answered that i really did not know. i made a promise to her that if i were going to leave for a lengthy period of time i would let her know, she was satisfied with that. she asked me how did i see myself re-joining the group and also told me that there were some wimmin who were very angry with me and that i might need to address myself to this, i said i would eventually. she said she did not think it would be right for me to start to cook for the group until the group said it was o.k., again i answered fine. i have to give some serious thought to joining this group again, perhaps i will start a group on my own, with a whole new bunch of wimmin. i don't know yet, i will attend a group meeting before i make a decision.