LESBIAN HOME DINING

DREAM? NO NIGHTMARE

2008-07-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was startled by the sounds of a lot of doors banging they sound like doors to me, i felt the door open heard the sound of something sliding, felt the motion of whatever it was i was laying on, heard a voice say, this is the one that they left a note on last night saying "still alive?" heard the zipper being unzipped, finally felt the heat of the place, started opening my eyes, heard the voice say "Holy Shit" she is alive, looked into the eyes of someone with a mouth mask on, blinked, and heard my voice say where am i? saw the figure in front of me fall to the floor, heard some other voices say " Holy Shit" again and darkness came again.

WHERE AM I?

2008-07-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

I hear voices, a lotta voices some of them are loud others sound as if they are whispering or murmuring, i make an effort to open my eyes again and again, they hurt, i feel something tugging on my feet as though someone is pulling me by my feet, then i feel something being thrown over me a blanket? plastic? something not really heavy but strange, then i hear what i think sounds like a zipper, i feel my body being picked up and thrown onto something hard like a table, a car door sounds like two car doors slamming, some more murmuring voices and then i feel the motion of a car as though i have been thrown into some sort of vehicle, its very cold in here where ever i am my head is hurting like mad and i think i need something to drink, dark comes again and the next thing i hear is someone saying hey this chick ain't dead. I remember jumping straight up i was in a bag but i jumped straight up in the bag and i heard my voice say help help then i heard a zipper go down and i looked in the blue eyes of someone who was standing there with their mouth wide open as though they were about to scream,but i scream first and everything went black again. Am i dead? Am i in hell or heaven? was that really someone in front of me? an i really in a bag? This has got to be a dream.

WAKE UP? I AM

2008-07-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

HEY WAKE UP WAKE UP, this voice kept saying wake up i am awake, i think, i feel myself making an attempt to open my eyes, i keep trying and they are beginning to hurt, i finally get them open, i realize i am laying on a sidewalk, in any alley, its becoming daylight i think, i feel the heat of the morning sun or is that the heat of the side walk, as i crack open one of my eyes, i see blood on the sidewalk coming from the tips the fingers on one of my hands, and i also see little bugs look like ants eating the almost dried blood off the sidewalk and coming toward my fingers, my legs I can't really feel them, i can't really feel anything, i make an effort to swallow but my throat feels as though i have swallowed sandpaper, i can feel every nerve in my body trying to connect, but nothing is moving, where the hell am I? what happened to me?, i can feel the twitching of my nerves but nothing else is happening, no motion, no nada, i feel myself drifting back off to somewhere. Everything has become dark again.

THE DARK STREET?

2008-07-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

the streets were absolutely dark not a bit o light coming from anywhere or so i thought, i heard that in the darkest dark that there is always light, i caught a bit of light coming from some where behind a building and started toward it, as i walked closer to what i perceived to be light i realized it was the glow from a neon coco cola sign that was flickering on and off inside the building, no one was on the streets but me that seemed a bit strange, i continued to walk down the middle of the dark streets hearing my own breathing and footsteps, where the hell am i? what city is this? where is everybody?, i know i have been walking for at least a half hour and not a soul in sight, my heart started to beat a bit faster, and i noticed i had started walking faster, why i really didn't know i heard a loud noise sounded like a bomb had just exploded and i started to run, run down the middle of the streets and there was no one but me running, i ran behind a building wound up in the ally way behind the building, out of the dumpster jumped two cats chasing each other, i leaned up against the dumpster, shaking like a leaf and took several deep breaths, asked myself what the hell are you running from or to, i am thirsty i need some water, no water in sight, where the hell is every body? i walked out of the ally way into the empty streets again, still no one insight. I started to wonder where am I what is happening? Alter where are you i need you come quickly please. no response. i kept walking rapidly some time slowly some time, sometimes running again, i hear my own voice telling me to calm down, breath deep, calm down breath deep. Slightly ahead of me i see what appears to be a big dog, then the figure changes into a big cow, then a big something i really can't tell what a human, an ape, a big animal of some sort, i think for a minute just keep walking as though there is no one there, maybe it's may imagination playing tricks on me, maybe just the shadows of light and dark playing tricks on me, i get closer to the figure and must make some judgement of what to do and how to do it, maybe I'll call out, maybe i won't, maybe i should start walking in another direction, that would surely show fear, me alter shows up, showing fear is not always a bad thing she said, i know i know i responded, but what should i do? stop she said just stop, right now, but i could not stop i must go on to see what it is i don't see, so i kept walking and as i walked what i thought was closer to the figure the figure began to disappear right before my eyes. I got closer and as i got closer i discovered that there was no figure there. what the hell was that i about i thought to myself. I pasted several old buildings that were dark and empty, so i thought, just as i got past one of the building i heard a window open and a sloshing noise, i looked up and out of one of the windows in the building came what seemed to be an ocean of water,as though a flood gate had been open, the streets begin to fill rapidly with water and i realized that the water was moving swiftly toward me, i saw what appeared to be snakes swimming toward me along with some alligators and what looked like dogs, i turned to run the other way but there was water coming from that direction also, then the rains started, i didn't know what to do, i started to scream but my voice would not come out, i saw a tree and thought i could climb up in the tree maybe until this passes, i started up the tree and just as i was about to lift both my feet off the ground i saw four set of red eyes looking at me from the tree, i open my mouth to say something i don't know what when something swiftly darted past my head and jumped to the ground, i heard myself scream and i was screaming to the top of my voice, when someone said hey WAKE UP.

i was asleep? no. was i asleep? am i asleep now? quien sabe?

I DID NOT LOOK IN THE BEDROOM I LOOKED IN

2008-07-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

the kitchen, i wanted to look very badly wanted to look in their bedroom, as a matter of fact i wanted to go and jump in the middle of the bed and pretend it was me in the bed with, with, with, (me alter showed up and said i know what you're thinking kiddo) no she doesn't. i started to just crack the door to the bedroom you know just to look in, as i reached for the door i heard a car door slam, my heart jumped into my mouth wow supposed i had opened the bedroom door, they would have caught me, i went to the window facing the front yard and expected to see their car, but it was the postal car delivering the post. i took a deep breath out and walked toward the kitchen and started looking in the cabinets, drawers, refridge, and nooks and crannies, i was positively impressed when i saw so many healthy food stuff, no wonder they look so great, i went to the fridge and grabbed some OJ, drink some, and began to think of how great i would feel fixing them a meal, they have been so kind to me, so i will fix a meal for them and for me also, i mean they do not have to eat with me, but it would be nice. so i started to fix a meal. They had some fresh kale, collards, kohlrabi, sweet potatoes, carrots and broccoli, so i decided to make a vegetarian jambalaya with some quinoa pasta, it turned out really good. It was almost night time and they had not come back,i waited until eight o'clock and decided to eat, so i ate alone, outside, next to the fire pit, there was no fire. Time past it was dark and i lite the fire pit, secured the house for them, left on the porch light, and sat at the fire, wondering when they would get home. I wondered is this the way they felt when i did not show up at THE HOUSE, when i had gone homeless? I began to get nervous and jittery when 10 o'clock came and they still where not there. I had an herb to calm myself, me alter showed up and said on don't fret they probably took this time to go somewhere together now that they know that you are here, i said to my alter they don't know if i am here i could decide to go elsewhere you know, me alter said o but you won't, i heard a car door slam,voices, their voices, i started to jump up and say wow where have you been i have been worried about you all, but i did not i restrained myself and stay at the fire, i heard them come into THE HOUSE, someone went to the bathroom, the back door opened and it was Sally smiling and complimenting the fire, i told her that i had made food for them, she said o how kind and sweet of you, but we have eaten already, and i am sure the food will be good later, she said goodnight and closed the door, i expected more than that (me alter those are your expectations she said), the door opened once more and it was Gloria, she walked out the door, closing it behind her came over and sat next to me at the fire, i told her about the food,she thanked me and then asked me the strangest question, she asked was going homeless worth it? i asked worth what ? she looked at me smiled and said i think you know what i mean, stood up and said have a good night i am going in, and left. I threw some more wood on the fire it was hot as hell, i asked my self why the hell would you put more wood on the fire it's almost 97 degrees out here now, i heard me alters voice IS IT PASSION THE HEAT OF THE FLAME WHAT? and i answered what what?

WOW WHAT A FIRST

2008-07-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

I think me alter may be on target, i think well that's the problem i think. i feel as though i have just met Gloria and Sally for the first time, they really are some fine wimmin, i wonder what do they think of me (me alter says grow eggs and ask), don't think i will do that. i like being in the kitchen with Sally and i like talking to her and Gloria, they seem so much into each other don't know if they really think of me often. I've been watching both of them when they or rather when i think that they are not aware. Gloria moves with such ease of body as though she really is not in a body, and Sally reminds me of darting lizards, she moves rapidly, i bet she's a Gemini and i bet Gloria is an Aries, I'm gonna find out some way or the other, again me alter says ask.
My mind is beginning to play a few tricks on me, i really need to find something to do with my hands, maybe i will start or continue the garden that Sally started. I would love to go into the house and sit with Sally and Gloria just to be in their company don't know how to do that just yet. Just as i am thinking that Gloria comes floating out the door she said she was going to go shopping for some organic lychee's and wanted to know if i wanted to come along, of course i did but i do not want to seem to anxious, i said why don't you and Sally go and i will clean up the kitchen for you, she thought that was a great idea i did not, she floated back inside and in a few came out with Sally in tow, saying i convinced here to come with me you have THE HOUSE and the kitchen, if you want to clean that's fine but you can still come with us. From the look on Sally's face i think that she would really like to be alone with Gloria. I am disappointed that she did not invite me to come along with them, they took off. I went into THE HOUSE, at first i was going to start cleaning the kitchen but it was not really in need of cleaning, so i move into other parts of the house just looking around, i will not go into their bedroom although i would love to go in there and jump right in the middle of their bed and pretend that they were in it with me. me alters voice (o no you), o no you what, i didn't do it i was just thinking, i would not dare go into their bedroom while they are gone. me alter o won't you? no, no, no. and i said to me alter don't gimme that s... about protesting to much.

THE FIRST MEETING FOR ME

2008-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

well i have accepted the reality that i must meet with the other wimmin in the group before i can go on with the idea of being a part, so tonight there is a meeting at THE HOUSE, i am very nervous about tonight, i will not be doing any cooking and will face everyone with little or no space to hide, me alter said i could hide outside around the fire and i just may do that. Gloria and Sally have made quite a few changes in THE HOUSE, i have to get use to having so much furniture in a room, when i left the only furniture i had in the living room was a big ugly comfortable chair and some pillows, now there is a couch, more chairs, a coffee table, an ottoman, and some bookcases filled with books on everything from apples to zen. i do not care for that much furniture but i don't live here anymore so i can accept it. Sally was as happy as she could be moving around in the kitchen, she asked me if i could or would show her how to make a vegan pate out of carrots and cashews, i did, then she asked me if i could show her how to flavor and cook tofu, i told her that if i am not to be in the kitchen until the group approved, then i would not show anything else after the tofu, she was OK with that. i noticed that she had baked some sweet potatoes, and had made collard green wraps which she said was her invention for the evening, that it was raw and that she hope others would like it, i asked if i could taste, she agreed, and wow what an invention. she had made the vegan pate and then wrapped it in the collard green leaf it was very very good, i told her so, she smiled. with her smile i realized that i really liked her very much, every since i had met here when she first came i always felt at home and comfortable with her, i wondered how old she was and was about to ask her that when Gloria came in the kitchen kissed her and told her that she was going to run some errands and wanted to know if she needed anything, it was at that moment that i realized that i wanted to be the one kissing Sally, i embarrassed myself. i left the kitchen and went outside to start a fire in the fire pit, the fire in me was burning like mad. wow what a fire i made, i had gotten so involved in making it i disregarded the height, Gloria came out looked at the fire looked at me, started to say something, changed her mind and went back into THE HOUSE. i started to lower the flames a bit by removing some of the wood, and scattering the fire. i know i must keep my mind and hands busy, i do not want to think of Sally nor Gloria at this time, i realized that i felt annoyance at myself for my thoughts, me alter came to me and asked are you falling in love or is it just you need sex? no i am not falling in love, and yes i need sex. alter said i do not believe you. i will be glad when the meeting begins, i think.

SISTER THIS IS THE TRUTH I THINK

2008-06-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

i called my mother and my sisters today, one of my sisters said she wanted to talk to me not over the phone but in person, we agreed to meet this afternoon at her house, i do believe i know what she wants to talk about and i am ready. i am clean now bath hose felt good. as i was stacking the fire pit Gloria came out , sat on a rock, and said i feel that we need to talk, you know you walked away from here without telling anyone anything, and to tell you the truth i do not feel that i can trust that you will not do that again. i told her that she was correct in her thinking, i did not know if i would not do that again. i also told her that i had been living homeless on the streets because i wanted to know how that felt, and that i had learn a lot about myself and others i also promised that if i choose to become homeless again i would tell her before i left, and that i did feel really bad about not offering an explanation, but as Gertrude once said explanation is composition and i did not feel the need to compose at that time. she asked me what did i think would cause me to compose should i choose to leave again, i answered that i really did not know. i made a promise to her that if i were going to leave for a lengthy period of time i would let her know, she was satisfied with that. she asked me how did i see myself re-joining the group and also told me that there were some wimmin who were very angry with me and that i might need to address myself to this, i said i would eventually. she said she did not think it would be right for me to start to cook for the group until the group said it was o.k., again i answered fine. i have to give some serious thought to joining this group again, perhaps i will start a group on my own, with a whole new bunch of wimmin. i don't know yet, i will attend a group meeting before i make a decision.

DOES WATER TAKE IT ALL AWAY?

2008-05-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

my outdoors bath was absolutely divine, i feel so clean inside and out i don't know if the water did all of that, or is it just being back at THE HOUSE and talking to Gloria and Sally that causes me to feel as i do, i happy and glad to be here. Although they offered me to stay in THE HOUSE, i think i am going to get myself a tent and live outside, i like being outside but not homeless, so a tent will become my home. i will talk to them about this i do not want to appear as though i am taking over or that i have the right to do this without their permission, i want everything to be OK. i never told them about my homeless episodes, i have talk to my mother and my sisters and told them that i am back, i don't know if i will tell them or anyone about my homeless affairs, here comes ole alter she asked me what are you ashamed of? i did not say i was shame i just don't have a need just now to tell anyone about being homeless. i know in time that Sally will talk to me about this because of her experiences of being homeless. she seems pretty happy at being a homed womon now. i wonder if she misses living outside, i walked over to the fire pit and began to stack the pit with wood yes a fire would be nice. so i started one this one in memory of all the wimmin who lived or may live as a homeless or homed womon.

TO MYSELF I AM TRUE I THINK

2008-05-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

sitting on the floor talking to Gloria and Sally was quite an experience for me and i would imagine for them also. i found out the the wimmin's group and the mix group was still going on, that the numbers had grown to 50 in the wimmin's group and the mix group had about 25 or less, i guess all is good. i asked about the food, what was being eaten who was doing the cooking where the food was being gotten from, and i was happily surprised to find out that the wimmin had continued to eat and prepare vegetarian foods and made attempts to access organic foods not only from the store but some of the wimmin had started going to an organic farm down in the southwest of the city also some of the wimmin had started to grow gardens with organic herbs and veggies and a lot of the food was being used from the gardens. an added event since my departure was the exercise night, this was when the wimmin had picked one night out of the week to do some sort of exercise ritual with each other, the exercise was chosen by a different womon each week. i really wanted to know more about Gloria and Sally's tryst but i did not inquire, and they did not tell me. i was curious if i would be able to stay there at THE HOUSE inside or out but i did not want to bring it up. me alter said do bring it up. i sat for about an hour with them doing most of the talking until Sally asked me so how was you time on the streets as a homeless? i thought to myself how did she know that i had become homeless i certainly had not told her. i looked at her for a bit and said i don't know if i have the braveness to do that again, she said never again, should you do it "it", would be anew, i agreed. i told her about my feelings on buying food since i had been on the streets, i mentioned the attitude of other people toward those who are seen to be homeless, i also mentioned how among homeless wimmin and men that there seem to exist a class system that i found that to be very strange, she said she did not think it was strange since we take ourselves with us no matter where we go and with that we also take our attitudes, perceptions, value systems and all other manners of being, it's just we don't live in a house. They told me that they really enjoyed living in THE HOUSE and that Sally had taken over the task of cooking for the group and the group events, Sally said she loved cooking and was really glad that i had gone away so that she could get a chance in the kitchen, she also said that if i like both she and i could continue to do the cooking for the group and that we could do it together or take separate days, i told her that i would give it some thought. i mentioned that i had seen some tricycles in the yard, that's when Gloria said that they belong to two little girls who come to the meetings with their mothers and the group thought the tricycles would help to entertain them while their moms were in the meetings. i really breath a sigh of relief, and felt more inclined to ask about living in the back yard, cuz i could not see myself living in the house with Gloria and Sally. Gloria seemed to be reading my mind again and at that place said you can stay in the house with us if you like, she nodded her head look toward Sally who was also nodding her head in agreement, i thought to myself live in THE HOUSE with both of them well i don't know about that, the backyard seemed fine for now i said. At this point Sally asked me if i wanted a bath i smiled and said wow our roles certainly have switched, then i asked her do i stink, she smiled and said water would not hurt your body right now, with that i said to her i think i will do what you did when i first asked you the same question when we met, and with that i stood up went out the back door undressed and begin to rinse and soap myself down, the water felt good, i felt good, i started to cry and that felt good.

THE NEW G ? OR IS THAT THE NEW ME?

2008-05-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

i sat down on the floor as G..... motioned to me to sit. i don't think she meant for me to sit on the floor it just that is that habit i had developed, i started to get up and sit on the chair she had motioned to but i did not, she tilted her head as though she was about to say something, started to sit, stopped and asked me if i would like something to drink or eat, i wanted both and started to say no but she had already started toward the refrige and i was not about to say no then, i said why thank you. She said i could fix you something special or if you like i can make you a smoothie, i thought for a moment, now where will i get my next meal maybe i better ask for a big one (at that place me alter appeared she said just to remind you you have not been eating large meals so watch you gut) i said to G..... a smoothie sounds great, and indeed great it was, when i finished it i wanted to lay down and go to sleep, i sat on the floor and was about to ask a question when the bedroom door opened and out walked Sally. Yes Sally the homeless womon who came before i left and who was living outside in the tree and making fires. i know that my mouth was open because Sally said to me a real shocker huh? close your mouth. i did. well now what is going on i thought to myself and G..... must have read my mind she said to me well what is going on now is that Sally and I have become friends and lovers, i moved from where i was at to be with her here and she agreed to move inside THE HOUSE with me, as you can tell by the heat of the fire pit she still insists on having a fire almost every night, she said it was in memory of you. i thought to myself in my memory well that's interesting so did she move in with you in memory of me also at that place (me ole alter girl said jealous jealous jealous). yes i am i admit but jealous of what of who, they looked very happy together and they neither one of them had ever promised themselves to me nor i to them. and yes i am jealous, and at that me alter said well you finally learned how to thine own self be true.

THE HOUSE?

2008-05-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

i have been standing around in front of THE HOUSE now for a good 30 minutes no on has come out of THE HOUSE and i can still hear the radio spewing and screaming, how the hell does anyone stay in a house with the radio blasting like that, this is THE HOUSE although she is a different color a bright yellow ( and i must say a warm color) i know her. i noticed some tricycles in the yard so that means children are here, i wonder who is living here now, i will stand here for another 20 minutes and then i will knock on the door to see what's up. what is very interesting is that no one on the entire street has come out to see or act as if they don't see me, i know that there is someone peeping from behind a curtain somewhere, that is interesting also cuz in the posher hoods the residents leave the cops to do the questioning, in this hood the neighbors will ask questions to those who appear as strangers, that is why i find it odd that no one has shown a face, that means that someone here remembers me, now to find out who. OK it is now an hour later and no one has come out of THE HOUSE as a matter of fact no one has come out of any of the houses and i know it is about time for someone to leave to go to church, sooooo it is about knocking on the door time, gather the courage to do that and then what do i say um hi i used to live here, or hi do you remember me or maybe could you tell me who lives here now? i started across the street courage in hand, walked thru the gates, on to the porch, hand fisted to knock, and the door opens and standing in the middle of the door is G......, she smiled at me and said we were wondering when you were coming over to knock, we saw you in the yard this early a.m., saw you lay down to go to sleep, and decided not to say anything to you we wanted to see what you would do. where the hell have you been,she asked what is going on? she said you look great wherever you have been seems to have been good to or for you? are you coming in? what is happening? are you here now to stay? what do we owe this visit to? i noticed she kept saying "we" i wondered and wanted to know who is "we". I smiled, said hello, and i must admit i was totally surprised to see her here and at the same time very happy it was her and not some one else, she invited me in, i went in and closed the door behind me, as i entered THE HOUSE i noticed quite a few things had changed, and so had i.

MUSIC? NOISE? ENTERTAINMENT? WHERE AM I?

2008-05-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

waking was very easy, the sounds coming out of THE HOUSE at this time of morning startled me, i thought it was music but as i listened more intently i realized it was noise, or was someone entertaining them self, the noise turned to voices, sounded as though someone was preaching inside the house, then the voices turned to music, maybe i am at the wrong house, i looked up in the trees no one was there i know when i left here to become homeless she was living in the trees, where is she now? did someone run her off? what was her name i must remember before i attempt to knock on the door, i think i best get out of this yard before anyone sees me, so i gathered my stuff and went to the front and outside the gate, it was still early so i did not knock on the door, the noise,music, entertainment i realized was the radio or TV playing some church
services, and then i remembered that it was Sunday a day of grace and thankfulness or is it, i began to think about all the wimmin and men living on the streets the homeless, i think we are called, that is really something to think about. on the streets, food and clothing was really never a problem, being safe well that is another story, but are we really safe anywhere? i just walked into a yard and laid down while the people inside never realized that i was there, just supposed that i was up to no good,they would have never knowed it till i was on them, so what exactly is safe. so anyway, i am standing outside THE HOUSE across the street, i have been here for some time now and no one has come out of THE HOUSE, what to do?

I SEE THE ROOF TOP

2008-05-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

it is a bit dark but i think i see the roof top of THE HOUSE, it is about 2 a.m., i don't know who is at or in THE HOUSE, yup that is THE HOUSE, but something is different about her, maybe it is because it is dark, i don't think i will make an attempt to go inside her before daylight, there are two cars parked in front and they have painted her a bright yellow, wow that is a change and very nice i can't really see the curtains nor can i tell who is there, THE HOUSE is dark. i think i will go to the back yard to see if anyone is there and if not i will sleep there tonight. i did do that i found a place near the fire pit, the pit was warm as though someone had used it recently, i looked up in the trees and thought i saw a body up there but i can't really tell it's to dark, i started to call up into the trees but changed my mind just in case this isn't the right house and i did not want to awaken anyone, nor surprise anyone, i put my jacket down on the ground under the tree and made an attempt to go to sleep, surprisingly sleep would not come, and so i remain awake till the sun started breaking and then found myself falling off to sleep, memories of being on the streets i guess. i am home or homed. or am i?

THE NIGHT TIME IS THE WHAT TIME?

2008-05-12T14:15:00.001-07:00

well i didn't snatch the ice cream, i made it to the next 20 blocks it is getting dark and i am getting tired again, i wonder if that is really tired or anxiety about getting closer to THE HOUSE.
i remind myself that there is nothing to fear that i am going home, me alter asked me how did i think the wimmin would feel about me leaving without notice and now showing up without notice? she asked me what if they thought that you were not coming back and changed everything? what if G...... decided since i did not tell her where i was going, that THE HOUSE needed to be rented to someone else, i know that i did not give her notice but i did not give myself notice either, so how do i explain that? why do i have to explain anything, am i obligated to anyone? and me alter answered is anyone obligated to you? well nevertheless i am walking to THE HOUSE and for now i am calling her home. sun is setting, night is a little cooler, still is humid, feel the sweat dripping down my back. i thought that i had mastered the body thing and that my mind would wipe out anything i insisted on, but this hunger that i am feeling has my mind in a turmoil all i can think about right now is food, i thought to myself you know you have been really good about maintaining a vegetarian diet while you've been on the streets why not reward your self with some real food there is a Church's dead chicken fast food place, why not go get one of those BREAST? i thought to myself where did that one come from i had not had a thought of eating a dead bird in over 20 years, what made that thought show it self? i heard myself say hunger and me alter said bull-hockey your hunger could have lead you to think of cabbage or a piece of fruit as well, and i responded yea but it didn't, and besides the money i have i will not spend on a dead bird. me alter said well now what will you spend it on? she also said are you really that weak of spirit that you cannot allay your own petty hunger?

THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR IS IT SO LONG?

2008-05-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

I woke with a start, i don't know what startled me nothing nor no one was around,there were some men sitting under a tree shooting crap (or is that call shooting dice)? why would anyone want to shoot a crap or dice? strange I'm sure no womon named that one. so anyway i sat there for a bit watched a dog piss on the edge of a tree and wondered if the tree i had been laying under had been pissed on by dogs and men and how many sniffs of the piss had i inhaled while i slept, me alter appeared and said tis a little late now to wonder about piss you did not wonder that when you fell asleep, so if you need a piss calculation i would say that you probably inhaled 3000 breaths of dog and man piss, dog and man do, squirrel, rat, worm and who knows what other kind of piss, do, and do do. i started laughing so hard i started to actually cry and i could not stop crying, one of the men who had been shooting craps came over and asked me if something was wrong, i do not know what got in me but i said yes i am a lesbian and the world sucks, to my surprise he said yep and i am a black man and you are so right the world sucks but what you cha gonna do about that, i wouldn't die over it if i was you he said, i said yes i am alright, he looked at me shook his head and went back to shoot the craps, when i thought about what he was going back to do i started to laugh all over again and the tears started again, me alter said get a freaking grip womon so i right en myself, sat for a few minutes, gathered my stuff and started to walk to THE HOUSE again,no as Gert would say not again, now to begin. so i started to walk, i don't do ice cream, but i remembered one time i saw i little girl with a fudge -icle i wanted it so bad i thought about snatching it out of her hands and running away with it, i didn't do it but the thought came back to me as i was walking, but this time it was a womon walking down the streets toward me she was eating an ice cream cone and i wondered if i could snatch it out of her hands eat it and run without her catching me, me alter said i would not consider that if i were you, you have enough money left why not buy one? i thought about that a second and then begin to realize that i had acquired all of my food while i lived on the streets as a homeless and never paid cash for any of it, and the weirdest thoughts came to my head and i asked myself is this country so full that waste is necessary for money to be made and if so why should any food or anything else for that matter be paid for with money and money alone? i thought to myself did the sight of ice cream bring this on? maybe i should go back to eating ice cream,but there really is no going back is there? so i must go on walking to THE HOUSE,TO THE WIMMIN, TO MY MOTHER, TO MY SISTERS.

60 DAYS AND NOW THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR HOMED?

2008-05-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

i realized that it has been 60 days that i have chosen to be homeless and in these 60 days i have learned a lot about myself and others, some of what i have learned i will not examine until another time, some of what i have learned will be with me for another lifetime. one thing i have rediscovered about myself is my love for womon and being womon is and can be very intense at times, i am learning how to space my thoughts so what so as not to have them flood in on me when i feel most vulnerable, i have learned how to hold my thoughts to myself and sort through
them some before letting them flood out of my mouth , i have learned that i really do like and miss me alter when she is not there, she did not seem to have much conversation with me on the streets and i think that is because i was being rather than doing so much. i am still walking toward home or THE HOUSE and i think i will arrive around 1 a.m. tomorrow morning, i must think of what i need to say to the womon or wimmin who are at THE HOUSE, i thought about calling but that is not a good idea, i want to see their faces when i talk to them, i want to feel or make an attempt to feel as they feel and i want to assure myself that my thoughts and experiences are as vivid for as long as i can. the walk home or rather to THE HOUSE seems to be longer than the walk away, i saw the same man who had been asleep on a bus bench that i scared sitting on the same bus bench, i started to say hello, i knew he remembered me just as i had remembered him, i started by him, looked at him, he nodded, so did i, and then he said to me so how was it? i asked him how was what? your trip he said, i shrugged my shoulders, kept walking and he said see you latter, i thought to myself i don't think so , i said to him have a safe day, and then i wondered to myself why did i say a safe day and not a great day. i really started thinking about the safety of wimmin and men who live on the streets, are dogs treated so badly? again i don't think so, i passed the grocery store that i first stopped at to ask for some work, the man who owned the store looked up at me as i past by he was sweeping off the sidewalk in front of his store, just for the heck of it i asked him if he had any work that i could do in exchange for a cheese sandwich, he stopped what he was doing and said ain't you the same one who asked for work before? i answered yes, and he said what did i tell you then, you told me that you could not be bother with homeless people and especially wimmin because if we where right we would have a husband and a family to take care and not be on the streets, he said right but you come on in i am not real busy and i will see what i can come up with, at that time me alter showed up she said be aware of what you are about to get involved in, and i remember a saying my mother had whenever she felt not too comfortable with something,she would always say something is not right my head tickles, and my head was more than tickling it was down right itching, so i refused his offer he said see you all are all alike, with that i kept walking and walked a bit faster, i did not like him something about him gave me the creeps, so i walked noting with my eye in the back of my head that he was not coming after me with his broom, he was not. the mangoes that i had eaten earlier were in my lower tract and i was getting very hungry, i remembered that i had read we could survive on water alone for a period of time before our bodies started to eat up vital cells, so i figured i was safe on water at least until i got to THE HOUSE, and now to find water, i had learned being on the streets that it was very important to have a pair of pliers, so that when you saw a faucet you could turn it on and get water, so i spotted a faucet on the side of an old bank building, i had a plastic jar which had become my constant companion, went to the faucet and filled it up with water drank it, filled it up again and continued walking, i knew that i would need to rest in about an hour so i started thinking about sleep time i knew that i would be relatively safe sleeping durning the day and could continue my walk to THE HOUSE later,so now for a nap. there was a huge empty lot with some trees and the lot had just recently been mowed, so i walked over, placed my pack down, spread my jacket, sat down, looked up and around and laid down, sleep came easy.

COMING HOME OR GOING HOME?

2008-05-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

well i have made up my mind i am going home or should that be coming home or should that be home is where the heart is, i am at home even though i am living on the streets and under the expressways and trees, bus benches, parks, beaches,behind stores abandon cars, trucks, houses, buildings. i do believe that i want to go back (me alter says there is no going back) OK i agree i want to go on to live in THE HOUSE i was living in before i got this thing to live homeless, yes there is a certain feeling of freedom living on the streets, however there is a high level of danger and a womon must sleep with her eyes open all the time day and night, i do not think the dangers are any greater than if a womon lives in a house, apt, condo etc., however the dangers seem to be more intense and close up constantly, i do know that i have become a less fearful womon since i have been on the streets i do not seem to have the hovering internal fear of everything and body now that i have allowed myself to live raw, so to speak, i also realize that i truly enjoy being with other wimmin and i really do not miss the crush of humanity nor do i miss man and his kind. I must figure out a way to re conciliate myself with my mother,sisters and friends, i have been talking to my mother a bit and assured her that i am OK, she still thinks that i am visiting friends and i will leave that like that,(me alter says that behavior is dishonest) but this is the way i will leave it for now, maybe latter i will tell everyone where i have been and what i was doing, now what is important is for me to get back to THE HOUSE and start using my new found inner freedom. so with that in mind i am starting my journey to THE HOUSE. i started this journey on a bus bench,so i think i will find a bus bench for the time and see how it goes, the bus bench i decided on was not the same one i started out on, this time i deliberately picked a bus bench in the POSHERS area, it was still daylight so i felt relatively safe, i parked my butt on the bench, pulled out a dated newspaper, a pencil and my note book, i felt that this was a perfect time to do some more writing and not only that the cops are less incline to bother me if i look as though am reading or writing something, glad that the weather is nice, i noticed that in a POSH HOOD if you always look as though you are involved in some sort of intellectual act you know like reading those who pass by get curious about what it is you are reading and almost always want to hold a conversations with you, so knowing that i had found a magazine that someone threw out called healthy living this womon passed by said good morning, smiled, and said that is a very good magazine you are reading, i told her that i had just become acquainted with it and she informed me that she saves all her copies to read again at a later time because they were so informative, and then she kept on her way, i continued to sit and act as though i was reading, and i really thought i was reading until i heard a plop that was the magazine hitting the ground, glad it was not me i had fallen off into a deep sleep. i got up from the bus bench saw a bus coming wondered how many buses had past, looked into my pack i had enough money to catch a bus and buy some bananas, i thought about both of those ideas, decided not to catch the bus and started walking, walked for about an hour spotted a mango tree full of fruit on an empty lot and went mango picking, picked seven mango's ate three and continued on my way to THE HOUSE. Seems as though a lot has happened since i first started on this trip and the trip has not been a year although often times it seemed that long. As i was walking some teen-age boys passed me and i heard one of them say to the other i bet shes street garbage i turned around and said HEY, they turned and looked and me and i growled the deepest growl i could muster up and as i was growling i started to walk toward them, one of them said that bitch is f...... crazy and they ran like bats out of hell, i just stood there and me alter said and so what were you going to do and i heard myself answer i don't know, my heart was beating fast and i found myself smiling, i kept walking and at this point i realized that i was about two days walking from THE HOUSE i had promised myself that i was going to walk all the way, right now though i am full and i need to sit a bit, i found a supermarket sat at one of their out door tables pulled out my Swiss army knife and started to peel a mango, a man sitting at the table next to me said wow that mango sure smells good i know you did not buy it here, at first i was going to ignore him but i also discovered since i have been on the streets HE DOES NOT ENJOY BEING IGNORED and i at this point care not to get into it with HE so i looked at him and without a smile and said o no sir a friend gave it to me, he wanted to continue conversation which he did i said nothing, he finally got the drift but not before he came over to the table and said to me you look like you could use some company, that did it i said please leave me alone at first he turned colors and said to me young lady you could learn some good manners, i started to say and you poot-butt need to go to hell, i did not say a word and he left. (me alter said you are beginning to learn how to think some before you open your mouth, see how effective that is) i did not say anything to her either, i kept eating my mango and thinking to myself MEN REALLY THINK WIMMIN ARE HERE EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEM. NOW THAT IS REALLY IDIOTIC

THE LONGER TRIP HOME

2008-05-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

i found out that there is so much more to life than meets the eye.

IT IS TIME TO GO

2008-04-12T05:31:00.001-07:00

it is time to go or rather become homed, the life of a homeless womon is really beginning to get next to me i have been arrested twice on a whim, my patience is short, i want to get into a bath tub and take a bath, my clothing is beginning to really bother me although i can get more clothing from a lot of places, i just need to be in a house, i am tired of looking at and seeing so many homeless men, wimmin are really scarce out here and i can really see why, finding somewhere to sleep has been easier since i met J.... the snuff using womon, but even with her i find that my need to be in her company has or rather is still dwindling, my need to talk to my mother, sisters, and the other wimmin is getting stronger every minute, i find that my desire to be in close contact with people other than the wimmin i enjoy is at zero. everything seems to have taken on the odor of the streets the stench of the streets, i smell nothing but street smells, can not get them out of my nose, a short rain intensifies the odors, sunshine does not seem to take the odor away, i go into the stores and they stink, everything and everybody stinks to me, maintaining a vegetarian diet has not been difficult but it has not been easy either, everyone loves you initially when they look at you as a novelty, but after that you are still just a homeless. I know it is time for me to become HOMED. Now how do i do that and what do i tell about where i have been and what i have been doing, or do i tell at all? Is there some shame in being homeless and is there some dignity in being homeless and is there dignity and shame about being homed?

32 DAYS A HOMELESS WANNABE?

2008-04-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well it has been 32 days that i have been a homeless womon, the new world that has opened to me is truly unbelievable, i really understand the idea again and again of "home is where the heart is", i know it is time for me to turn in my homeless womon wannabe badge and go home, i have talked to my mother and sisters again, i have talked to some of my wimmin friends still not telling any of them what i am really doing, i think i will talk to them about that when i go back to being a homed womon, for now i give my self two more days on the streets and i will go back to what i used to think was not so great now i know better. i have been placed in jail twice for a cop's whim, i do not want to go through that again, i do know now that it does not matter if you or wrong or right police can and will take you to jail on a whim, surely it may not create a jail record for you but the humiliation that one is taken through is inhumane and intentional. The last time in jail was for spitting after a police MAN had finished talking to me, he said i was spitting at him and i said i would not waste my spit on him, (go directly to jail ) for what? as he said by the time i get you there i will think of something. He was right i was charged with loitering held there for a day, saw a judge, released after 12 hours spent time served, cop did not show, and i am really pissed off, maybe next time i will spit on him. These thoughts will send me back to jail, time to leave the streets, i refuse to be run of the streets by cops, or do i? Me alter told me that some battles we choose and others choose us.

26 DAYS IN A ROW

2008-04-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well day number 26 as a homeless wannabe i never would have imagined that i could last this many days living as a homeless womon and i have, my little purple book has become my real companion, whenever i get a chance no matter where i am i still find the time to write in her, i do this now and yet when i was a homed womon i seemed to have so little time to sit and write. Gertrude S., once said one writes when one is not being for when one is being how can one find the time to write, well i think i am being or am i? am i really being or doing? o well. when i become homed again i will do less writing, the writing is a way for me to release some of the feelings i am having and beginning to have about homedness and homelessness. i think that that is not possible, home really is where the heart is. i got a chance to meet another homeless womon other than the one who is now homed in the back yard of THE HOUSE. she was one of the homeless wimmin who carried all her goods in a grocery cart she was not really easy to get to talk to nor know, she was very suspicious and guarded of her things she reminded me of some of the homed wimmin i know. i got too close to her cart one day and she came screaming at me like a mad womon i backed up out of her way and said to her i meant no harm, seemed as though she growled at me but she was saying to me "get away " i did, so now whenever i see her i just nod and she nods back at me, i heard some of the men talking about her, one of them said she must have a lota goods in the cart where do she sleep? the other man noticed me watching them and touched the man talking he stopped talking. i thought to myself i bet she has every reason to growl and i did wonder where she slept i figured if she could find a place to sleep and not be bothered by men i wanted to know so i made it my business to see if i could become friends with her, i made sure i could follow around her without becoming to close but showing i wanted to be a friend well i wanted to find a safe place to sleep i noticed that she like chewing something and one day i asked her what it was she showed me the packet it was peach snuff and then i almost gaged cause she open her mouth and show me this black looking stuff that was stuck in her bottom jaw, she must have seen the horror on my face and started to laugh i smiled, looked at the packet and decided that i was going to buy some for her not now but one day i realized that i was being really devious my mind was intent on finding out where she slept, but i also knew not to move too fast with her she indeed was a very wise wise womon, i wondered about her age but i did not ask her. i made a connection in the land of the homeless there is still those of us who hold on with all our might with what we think belongs to us, however this is also true among the homed.well now me alter said to me truth finally finds the ignorant.is she calling me ignorant?

DAY NINETEEN

2008-03-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Nineteen days into being homeless or rather a homeless wannabe. i really am giving a lot of thoughts to stopping this homeless trek. damn cops tired of their assholery, tired of sleeping with my eyes open, homeless men seem to be following me around now, every where i go my old hang outs are being haunted by them, went back to the health food store and the supermarket where i worked before they would not even see me i was curious why so i changed my hair covering and went inside the stores and at both places there was some homeless guy doing what i had done before, i got a chance to talk to the womon at one of the stores she told me when i did not show up again this homeless guy showed up everyday so she was going to continue to use him untill he stopped coming and if i wanted to check in everyday to see what was happening i could do that. well i suppose that was my error, i had seen the guy on the streets and it seemed to me he was constantly watching me, when i caught his eyes he winked and smiled and me, i said to myself yep that's him i remember the no teeth smile from somewhere before, i said to myself he was watching were i would go and come in after me,( i heard a voice known as me alter in my head and she was laughing like mad and repeating the word paranoia paranoia, i think it may be soon time for me to put my ass back in a house.

WHO WILL I TELL THAT I AM HOMELESS?

2008-03-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well called my mother to tell her that i was OK and fine, but i could not bring myself to tell her that i was homeless,not only did i not want her to worry, but i felt a shame about saying i am a homeless wanna be, i mean when i think about that it sounds absolutely nut-c ,so i called her and told here that i had been away with some friends up in the northern part of the state, she could or would accept that more readily than me telling her that i had chosen to become a homeless womon. i lied and told her that they had invited me up to spend a few weeks with them, i also lied and told her that they lived in the country and getting to a phone was difficult, she could relate to that one because she knew i did not have a cell, she aked if i would call her at least once a week to let her know that i was OK i promised i would, found out everyone was OK, told her i would call her on the week end. my alter showed up just now and of all things she said to me of all things, that i was still not womon enough to talk about what was really going on with me, that i was afraid of truth or i would have told my mother the truth about my decision to be homeless, maybe i said to her, but i did what i did and i am not changing it, i also told me alter that i saw no need to cause worry to my mother, her response (o cut the crap), i ignored her, i know she will go away if i ignore her long enough. so here i am a homeless wanna be, wondering what all my homed friends were doing, i thought about calling some of the wimmin in the group to see what was happening but changed my mind, besides i do not want to tell them yet that i am a homeless wanna be.
Is there really any dignity in being homed or homeless?

I MISS EVERYONE

2008-03-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

This is 18 days homeless i must call my mother and sisters and let them know that i am OK,selfish of me not to have called them before now, i will explain everything to them now that i have been on the streets (homeless ) for these many days, feels like a life time. so i have learned how to sleep with my eyes open, my ears wide open and how to keep my body tense and ready, the weather has held good for me so far but looking up in sky i can see Luna tilted so rain should be coming soon, must find some plastic and shelter for the damp times. i thought being under a tree during the rain might be a good idea till i remembered the lightning,so where can i hang till the rain is gone and what if it rains all night. i started watching some of the homeless men again and i noted that they hang out around the supermarkets during the rain, so taking that hint from them i spotted a supermarket in the posh hood, had on clean tennis shoes and carted me bod over to the sit down to eat outside under the roof area and started to read the newspaper i had found in the parking lot.(it was one dated 2 days ago but that is really OK cause no one really notices what you're reading) this was just for image, it worked nobody bothered me and the rains came pouring down. i had only spent in 18days three of my 20 dollars, and i spent that for phone calls to my mother and sisters. i noticed that because i did not smoke or drink alcohol i did not spend a lot of money, i began to question why i spent so much when i was not a homeless, that is very strange to me. the rains continued for at least 2 hours and in that 2 hours hanging out at the supermarket was quite an experience. i watched the posh people come to the (automatic take money= ATM machine) wow have you ever watched people when they handle money at a machine, some of them talk to the machine, some smile at it , this one man came to the machine with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and cotton and wipe down the whole machine before he would touch it with his hands, and another womon had a mirror that she would hold up and look behind her as she put or took out of the machine what she needed. i saw this womon drop her identification out of her purse and had not noticed what had happened i thought if no one mentions this to her i would but i did not have to another womon behind her tapped her on the shoulders (she jumped a mile) and pointed to her i.d. on the ground. these two men got into an argument about who got to the machine first and while they were arguing this womon went up to the machine and got what she needed. no one really paid any attention to me sitting there it was though i was invisible, i had a friend who once told me if you sit perfectly still and wear dark colors very few people would even see you, so i did that and found out that she was correct, no one noticed. the rains stopped i still had to find somewhere sleep but i knew it would not be during the day today so i eyed where i was as a potential bedroom for the night, i watched to see how often the cops made their rounds, not many cops make rounds here at the posher's supermarket, this may be the perfect sleep spot for tonight. i got up went into the store, the business was picking up strange how people really go mad for shopping when the rain stopped, they came into the store as though an announcement had been made about food running out, i decided to note what they were buying, maybe because it was a Friday they were shopping so, i looked in their buggies and wow, sodas, juices drinks (not juice) chips, candies, (i never really realized how much junk food Americans eat, (wow if you want to make a lot of money make junk food), they kept the deli busy (buying the dead animals and their parts and by products),in the produce sections it was me and maybe 3 others the rest of the bodies there were the workers stacking produce, i thought i would busy myself by asking questions of the workers i asked to speak to the produce manager he came out and i asked him how could i tell the fruits and veggies that were gmo, conventionally grown or organic, he looked first of all at my shoes (i could tell they met with his approval) he looked at me with a stern face and started talking about hydroponically grown tomatoes,( i waited till he was finished and asked again), i could tell he was not to please but he told me if i came back later in the day or tomorrow he would have all the answers for me. i said to myself i already know how that's what those numbers on the stickers on the fruits and veggies are suppose to tell but most folks do not know that those numbers have no meaning unless the fruits and or veggies were grown in the United States of America, but you know i did not say all this i said thank you and continued looking at the produce, i love looking at produce, tomorrow i am going to go to the market where they gather and sell all the produce just to be around it , i think this is a carry over from my young days working with my father selling from the produce truck that he owned. interesting how scents can trigger old memories.

DAY 14

2008-03-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

No one can be mean all the time, i do not think so. there has to be some measure of humanness in all of us at some time or the other or is that really so or is it something i would like to be true,cause if that is true how do you explain Hitler, Slavery in America, Misogyny, Mussolini,Chavez, and on and on ad nausea um, perhaps these are simply quirks in development there are some good notable humans although it seems as though they are hard to remember, why is it we remember the ass hole of humanity and let the names of the good people slip through our memory sieves. well i am off to another hood today enough of this one i am going to the posh hoods just have to figure out where and how. i walked from where i was to about 20 city blocks and arrived in a posh hood just in time to see the working posh get in their fancy cars and head off (i guess to work) not sure what posh people do in the early morning hours when they dress up and get in their cars, i know in the hood when folks do that they are usually going to work so i guess the poshers are doing the same. i saw a lot ta of fancy cars but none that i had not seen in the hood, the difference is the folks here are not only in fancy cars but they are dressed up in designer everything, (is there designer underwear)? i thought to myself wow their garbage should be full of good things, now to get to their garbage without being spotted there is the real art. so anyway i do not look like a homeless today i have on cleans shoes (that is always important in America, you can stink as long as you have on clean shoes,isn't that the weirdest thing you have ever heard of ?) so clean shoes the blouse i have on i found at a clothes recycling bin that was running over with donated clothing and had not yet been picked up, (i think the homeless fairies left it there for me) and the pants were there also so i am clean and fully squeaking so now here goes. first place i went to in the posh hood was a health food store again if thought i would do the same thing i did in the last H.F. store i went to so i went in again to the produce area asked to speak to the produce manager who was (thanks to the goddess a womon) i told her that i would like to do some work in exchange for some food and it could be any kind of work, she said follow me and i went with her to the produce area where veggies are cleaned, she said she could not let me work in the store because of insurance issues but she found work for me outside it was the same work i had done at the other store but in this case it was the attitude of the womon that was so very soft and accepting, no scolding about being around to often, as a matter of fact she told me that if i wanted to clean the outside every morning to be there by 6 a.m. and she would allow me to do the work for food. i did this and wow the food she gave me was awesome i asked her not to give me anything that had to be cooked, so she gave me already prepared food and some fruits she also gave me something to drink. i finished up the work got the food and went to the front of the store where everybody sits and eat and ate, full a tick i contemplated on a place to sleep, it was still daytime and i needed to get some sleep before night. i went to the public park it was a small neighborhood one no one was there so i planted my stuff under a tree, sat down under it pull out a newspaper that i had found and started to pretend as though i was reading it this gave me time to scope out the park, i had been there for about an hour cop car came through i looked at them a woman and a man nodded good morning and smiled that worked they did the same and even told me to have a good day. now was it the newspaper the shoes the clean clothes or the posh hood that caused them to leave me be. i did not know nor did i care i guess it would be another hour or two before they made their rounds again and that would be just enough time for me to get a couple hours of sleep i guess right i fell asleep and awoke to the sounds of children playing in the sandbox not with their mothers at their side but the nannies that was fine with me because the nannies in this part of the world are almost always wimmin of color and i knew that they would not bother nor report me so i went back to sleep and slept till the sun started burning my face i woke up in time to see the cop car coming down the streets i knew it was time to move on and i did. i feel great i am full well rested and on the move again, gotta get to a bathroom, back to a supermarket but i need no food water yes but no food. interesting enough in the supermarket in the posh hood the poshers buy the same things that people in the hood buy but they look at the food and each other differently well it appears to be different, they complain about the help more, they walk around as though they have everything all together, when they talk to each other they talk about their pools cars TVs (sorry entertainment centers) their new gidgets and gadgets their new shoes clothes,rings, hairdo's and don'ts, their involvement in games sports trips i mean just about everything one could think of is talked about, the one thing i did notice about them is the look in their eyes, seldom did i see a real light coming from their eyes even when they smiled it was only on their lips never in their eyes. i think i understand what is meant by the eyes reflect the soul of the body,wow never thought i would see this while being homeless what a trip and as my mother would say no that is a vacation, wow haven't heard from my alter for a long time since i have been homeless wonder what happen to her, do i miss her i think i do, the wild thing is i can not call her to me she comes when she pleases.

HOMED OR HOMELESS

2008-03-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well this is my 13th day of homelessness, it really is not the worst thing to happen to me. i am beginning to believe that homed people have not one iota of feelings for anyone but themselves and i am not to sure if they have that. why would someone who seems to be enjoying some form of success act so terribly mean, there are some kind homed people but they seem to be so few and far between. o well c'est la vie or is it mort. one of the fun things about being homeless there is always something to do, something to look at, to investigate, to be curious of, people throw out everything and i do mean everything, i did meet this homeless womon who said she found 4.thousand dollars in a dumpster near an apartment building, i asked her what did she do with it and she told me she got all the drugs she thought she needed but that she wound up in the hospital damn near dead from some bad drugs, i asked her if she would do it again, she said most likely, she also said she did not think lightening struck twice in the same place. i found a beautiful pair of designer tennis shoes in a dumpster they did not fit me i took them anyway cause i could trade them with someone for something else. something else i noticed is that the cops harass the homeless wimmin more than the men and that they automatically expect a womon to be on drugs if she is living homeless, one cop told me if i continue with my arrogance my ass would go to jail and that he could find something to jail me for. i looked at him and said ye'sa boss, he said what did you say i just could not say it again i really did not want to go to jail so i said alright he drove off i muttered under my breath honkie pig, i just want to live homeless for a bit to see but to jail i do not want to go, i know it is time for me to change my area cause i have heard that this particular cop is a really royal ass who loves to see if he can get you mad enough to do something stupid. so i am moving on i think it would be fun to go to a really posh hood and see if i can get away with being a homeless, see how the rich homed act toward the homeless, so i went to the bathroom at the supermarket for my daily bath, some of the wimmin on the streets (the sex workers) had told me the secret to daily public cleanliness the supermarkets, and they were absolutely right, i went into the store disappeared into the bathroom took my washcloth (a paper towel and started to clean up) have to be careful to do this when they are not ready to clean the bathrooms, best time is around 11 a.m. cause they are getting ready for the lunch crowd and pay little attention to who is in and out of the bathrooms,the soap stinks but it gets you clean. i think when i become homed again i will have a whole other perspective of everything everyone and myself. there is dignity in every one's life i shutter and get so damn mad at the cruelness of us humans really do begin again to wonder, why would any goddess or god create a human or did that really happen that way, who created whom? one of the things that would cause me to return to being homed is i think if i stayed on the streets a long time i would wind up hating and i don't want to go back to hating again, i had done that one time to many for my own well being spiritually emotionally and physically, and o how easy it would be to slip back into that by simply watching other people. how does one develop humility compassion? what causes one to become so harsh and mean so ruthless so without feelings?

STILL HOMELESS?

2008-03-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

well it has been nine days that i have been living homeless, what an experience, first of all food was not that difficult to get, sleep is another thing, when night comes everybody everything enters the world of the homeless, i have had a helluva time finding places to sleep where i can close both eyes and sleep deep, i have slept everywhere, i thought bus benches would be the safest place but no, i found some deserted cars and slept under them but then i had to deal more with the stray dogs and cats coming under to join me, i overheard a womon talking about finding a homeless in her yard asleep one morning, and i thought to myself wow yes there is a womon sleeping in the yard at THE HOUSE why had i not thought of that one, i will give it some consideration. now i really do not find this homeless situation unpleasant, what i do find unpleasant is finding decent places to wash me bod without a lotta harassment from those who are paid to be authority figures and those who act as though they have authority and have not been paid, interestingly enough finding clean clothing was not hard either, i got so that i looked in a lot of different places for food, restaurants, cafeterias, dumpsters, gas stations, and almost any public places i.e. beaches, stadiums (on the out side and during dumping hours), food markets, public schools were the worst to find anything, because the authorities were always suspicious of anyone that they thought should be somewhere else, so it was not worth the aggravation. one place that i found to be a great place to hang out was near the police stations and the bus benches near the stations were the best to sleep on during the daylight hours, speaking of daylight hours i learned how to sleep more in the daytime since i felt safer to sleep then and to stay awake at night, i use to wonder why so many homeless roam at night,now i think know. i changed clothes alot cause i could find clothing very easy and i really did not want to stink. i learn how to take a total bath in a cup of water and a piece of paper was not bad really. i realize that i am beginning to miss a social life with wimmin, i have to really go out of the way to avoid a lot of contact with the men who are homeless they seem to be everywhere however i must say that there are so few of us wimmin homeless that i have run into i have watch the men to see how they get what they want as homeless and i have learned a few things. still amazes me to see how humans relate and react to each other in various situations. i saw one time this man and woman in their car come up to the red light and a homeless man walk up to their car stuck his hand with a cup in it out for some change, the driver let the window down the homeless man stuck his hand in the window to get the change, the driver grab his hand and started to drive off the homeless man was ruining aside the car and the driver got up to about 5 miles per hour, laughing like mad as the homeless man ran next to the car, he finally turned his hand loose and took off, now granted men are not number one on my list but this was just damn cruel, i got up from where i was sitting and walk up to the homeless man as he was rubbing his arm and asked him if he was OK, he said yes, i went back to my seat, he went back to the corner to wait for another car. would i ask for money? i gotta think about that one. i have not met one womon homeless out her with me. what is that about? is it easier to be kept than be homeless when you are a womon? is a kept women a homeless women? how long can i stay homeless? wonder if anyone really misses me i know i am beginning to miss everyone.

WHO HOMELESS?

2008-03-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

i find it strange how my mind can go nuts on me in a matter of seconds. The womon did not call me homeless and what if she had? is there some shame in being homeless and if so why? so does having a home make me someone special? is it really possible to be homeless since there are some who say anywhere they lay their is home? Then i started thinking again about me being or rather putting myself in a state of homelessness. i wanted to go home immediately, but dark was coming and i had to make a decision on where i would be sleeping for the night. i had often stared at places under expressways but they had no appeal for me now. i was getting hungry i had eaten all the dried fruit in that short time, i remembered that i had taken 20 dollars in change with me but thinking about spending it all on food really made me nervous. i remember seeing homeless men and wimmin hanging close to fast food places, however i have never been a fast food eater and the fast food joints did not hold my interest, so i decided i would hang out at around a health food store or restaurant. now that was quite an experience i was a bit shamed to ask for food without working for it so i went to the rear entrance of the store and asked to see the produce manager,to my chagrin HE came, i was still clean cause i had only been homeless now for 7 hours, i asked him if there was some work i could do in or outside the store because i was hungry, wanted food, but wanted to work in exchange for it, he stared me up and down ( i said to me alter hey ain't i glad i wore clean tennis shoes, i had always noted before i became homeless that in America almost everyone look at your shoes before they look at your face to make quick judgements, i could tell HE approved of my shoes). HE said well i could give you something for the next hour or two but i don't want you to make a habit of coming here to beg, i assured HE that i was willing to work for the food, HE said OK here sweep up out here and when you finish that you can sweep the front sidewalks, i thanked him, before HE went back inside HE said i hope you do not expect your food for a week for the amount of work you will do, (i did not say anything to him, but to myself i said aw shut your fart face), me alter said now is that any way to speak after someone is willing to give you a job so that you can eat? i started to sweep the sidewalks. for that work two hours later HE gave me enough fruits and some veggies that i could eat raw and in addition gave me some cooked vegetarian foods from the deli. i store some in my pack, thanked him, walked down a few steps from the store, went around the front, sat down at one of the umbrella tables where others were eating, and started to eat, i was pleased, but i did really start to wonder where could i go to sleep and be safe. i have been homeless now for 8 and a half hours.

STILL LEAVING

2008-02-28T11:51:00.001-08:00

Well it took me quite a few days to really leave and go to be homeless. i pondered and pondered on leaving a note for my mother, sisters, and some of the wimmin from the group. i got tired of pondering and figured if i am going to do this i have to really do it, so with the clothes i had on, some change, a full meal in my gut, water and some dried fruit i walked away from THE HOUSE. i had gotten to the bus stop and was thinking of catching the bus somewhere but me alter came to me and said "you may need that money for something more important, and besides where would you catch the bus to in order to be homeless"? so i didn't catch the bus, i started to walk, i had been walking like what seemed to me hours, i had started to enjoy the walk the weather was absolutely great, but i realized i had only walked for 1 hour 20Min's when i spotted a clock on a building. i got to thinking i needed to sit down somewhere and spied a bus bench, i didn't mean to but i fell asleep sitting on the bench, i don't know how long i had been sleep and woke up with a start when a body plopped down next to me on the bench i became very annoyed and realized i was acting as though the bench was mine already. i sat up in a i am not asleep position, the body next to me was a womon who was waiting for a bus, i wondered how many buses had passed while i dozed. i really started to miss the wimmin in the group, my mother and sisters and i had only been in a homeless state for 4 hours, i asked the womon sitting next to me what time it was, she mumble the time and suggested that if time was important to me i needed to buy a watch. well that really was not a bad suggestion but it cause me to wonder if i looked homeless or something.

SO ANYWAY WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

2008-02-27T11:04:00.001-08:00

So as i was telling, i did decided to go homeless,why? i really do not know i think it was an experience i wanted to have and i don't really know why i wanted to do it. I did not talk to A..... cause i did not want to hear anything about anyone else's experiences i wanted my own. So clothes on my back, shoes, socks, good pair of tennis shoes, 20dollars in ones, some dried fruit,water (the water is very important to me and i began to wonder if i could do something in order to get good water without having to buy it all the time), lets see what else i realize that i am scared and i think that is good. Should i take a pillow, blanket, sheet, raincoat, umbrella?, maybe i could pretend that i am really camping but i am not taking a tent,but what about a sleeping bag? Me alter said "I don't think so". So i think now that i am ready to leave, i want to call my mother and my sisters but they would only think that i have lost it, but i do not want them to worry about where i am. i shall leave them a note, maybe in an obvious place so that they can see it whenever they come this way, but if i do that the wimmin who come to THE HOUSE for LESBIAN HOME DINING -in-WIMMIN-ONLY-SPACE would also see the letter and that would defeat my whole purpose of going homeless. i never thought a seemingly simple act could be so mentally consuming. How to do this and remain sensitive to those who care for me became my concern.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN

2008-02-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

Well I have been to grandmothers house and back again and what a journey. I went to become homeless I did it I walked away without telling anyone where I was going and I left the house. I am not very brave so I did take with me 20 dollars all in 1 dollar bills cause I remembered one time when I was a little girl my grandmother told me that when you travel with a lot of money you should break it down into small size, I had thought about changing it all into change but that thought not only became noisy but the idea became heavy just thinking about all that change. Me alter showed up and asked if she could go with me, how could I not say yes, I have never been able to get rid of her so I wondered if she was making an attempt to help me stay calm, although I feel calm I think. So anyway 20dollars, the clothing on my back and I made sure I had a lotta clothing on my back, a solid pair of tennis shoes, 3 pairs of socks, 2hats, (one on my head), I had thought about a book to read but change my mind after me alter said "weights weights, weights) I got it, I started thinking about a toothbrush and drawers (underwear) and the craziest thought came to me I asked myself do homeless people wear underwear? I definitely did not want to stand out although I don't really know if anyone will be looking at my underwear. I thought of a lotta of stuff to carry but that did not feel homeless. There is so much to write about I have to do this in stages.

WELL WELL. WELL?

2008-01-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

Am I well am I falling into a well is all well? So much has happened and I thought not writing about it would do me well. Well it has not done be badly, but not so well either. Several things have happened to me with me about me since the last time I wrote. One thing is that I asked the wimmin of the group if I could divorce myself from them for about a month or two just to get my thoughts together about everything I was involved in. At first many of the wimmin were hostile toward me because I asked to be divorced. Some of the reactions I expected others were a total surprise. D.... the womon who said she was addicted to meat, asked me if I wanted a divorce because of her? In my moment of total self-involvement I asked her who did she think she was in my life, that I would want a divorce because of her, I had no intentions of hurting her I was simply thinking of myself, I realized how cruel I sounded and made an attempt to soften my words by saying, it is not because of any one in the group it is a decision I have made so as to see if I could become less paranoid and more accepting and I need time to be alone to think some things out. G..... asked me if I still wanted to live in THE HOUSE and if so would the group still be able to meet there? I answered yes to wanting to continue to live in THE HOUSE and yes to the group continuing to met there. Another womon asked how long was the divorce for and was it permanent. I answered the divorce had to be at least for a week, and I would not know if it was a permanent move until then. Another womon asked me who did I think I was that I could just like that decided to divorce the group and then at another time decide to want a union again? I answered that I did not remember giving up any personal freedom to anyone when I joined the group, and that any member could come and go as they pleased and that that had happened in the past, so to make a big deal out of my decision, I thought was an attempt at guilt tripping. Another womon asked who was going to do the cooking? I responded with I did not know that I had been hired as the cook, but if they wanted to hire me I would give it some consideration. Another womon said she thought I was positioning myself to be hired by the group as a cook and she said she thought that I was being manipulative. I almost said to her go f... yourself, but me alter caught me tongue and pushed it back into me mouth. So I said well what-ever cook for yourselves. Another wanted to know where would I be when the meeting took place at THE HOUSE, I answered o I don't know it depends on my mood and what else is happening. G..... the womon who owns THE HOUSE said that any one who wanted to leave for whatever reason had a right to and could do so without explanation. She also said that THE HOUSE was to be used for the group meetings, but that in fairness to me since i lived there, the group would let me know ahead of time about the meetings and that the kitchen had to be available at that time for food preparation. Another womon wanted to know what would happen to the food that was already there waiting for preparation and who would prepare it. All the wimmin in the group agreed that since the food was purchased by the group it was group food, that was fine with me. G..... asked me if I did the cooking would I charge them, how much and would the food still be provided by them. I answered that food purchase by the group of course is group food, should I do the cooking I would not charge anything as long as it was OK for me to eat from the food. She said she thought it was only fair to take a vote among the wimmin on the subjects and also make a decision about the directions the group would be taking in terms of who would be members and what kind of food would be offered by and to the group. I said to myself o no not this one again I know this is going to be about men meat and money. She also said to me since I wanted a divorce from the group I had no right to vote on these subjects. I thought to myself well at least she did not say they were not having plant based foods yet. She asked me when did I want the divorce to start I answered as of now. She said so be it and asked me to leave the group. Well I had not planned to leave before the meeting was over and I said so but she and the other wimmin asked that I leave. I told them that the food was ready and that they could serve themselves, they agreed and I left and went outside to be with S.... around the fire. I went outside and true to form Sally was sitting at the pit and putting the fire wood in the pit to start a fire. She looked at me and said so you are out right? I asked her what was she talking about and all she did was shake her head and smile. She got the fire started, I started smoking an herb, she did not say another word to me till 20 minuets later when I asked her what is real? She looked at me and said what is real what? I knew that there was no more for me to say. And out of nowhere me alter showed up and said WELL SISTER GIRL YOU ARE A REAL TICKET. The fire was awesome. And the wimmin were still meeting inside, for some reason I really want to know what is going on in there, but I am not going back in. Then G..... called for me. Sally said are you really going back in there now? Me alter said so now wada you do? I sat as though I had not heard any of them.

THE REEL WURLD

2007-12-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been spun on an axis?

RESPONSIBILITY MUST I HAVE IT OR BE IT?

2007-12-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

Am I my sister's keeper? I thought that one was for the brothers only and does not apply to sistahs nor sisters or does it? And if I am my sisters/sistah keepers who keeps me? Am I my own keeper or does someone else keep me? And who is this someone else? where is she? will she show herself to me? and if she will when? and will I know her when she shows herself? and how will I know her? will she give me a clue? a glance? a nod? a wink? a something to show me that she is the one? I have been told that timing was one of the most important things in life to be aware of, what if my timing is off?

WHY SALLY WHY?

2007-12-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

The more I am around S...y the more jittery I get, I don't know what it is but I find myself repeating what I say as though I don't have the confidence of words and I find that I am beginning to stutter a lot when I am talking with her. She asked me what was the matter with me last night at the (LESBIAN HOUSE DINING -in-wimmin-only-space), I lied and said nothing that I thought that maybe I was just tired. She said to me that she thought I needed a change of atmosphere or scenery and that she thought I needed to develop another set of wimmin friends, she went on to tell me that she did not think that most of the wimmin who came to the meetings were really my friends and that they just didn't have anywhere else to go where they could be so trendy and kinky, I told her that I thought that was a pretty snap judgement to make when she had only seen or been around the wimmin that one night. She said something that I found to be very interesting quote "when you live homeless and on the streets you have to be able to make judgements very quickly because most of the times it is not the judgement that saved your ass but the quickness in which you act on those judgements," she went on to say that what she told me was what she saw and she knew that I would not like what she had to say. She said that my worry over the fire was my way of not dealing with the reality of not having told the wimmin that she was living in the backyard in the tree, and that I feared losing their friendship so much that she knew if it were necessary she would be the one who would be asked to move. I did not deny anything, nor did I admit to anything. She asked me if I enjoyed the fire last night and if I enjoyed the wimmin who came out to the fire and joined us. I had given no thought to the other wimmin around the fire and I let her know that I really did enjoy the fire. She told me that of the fifty wimmin who were there I should become selective about who or rather which ones of them I really trusted and liked and to find out which one of them trusted or liked me. She also said that G..... the womon who owned THE HOUSE was one of the wimmin who had a great respect for me. I laughed at that one and said I don't think so, she responded with time will show you. She said the heavy set womon ( I knew she was talking about D....the womon who said she was addicted to eating meat) she is the most sincere womon in the group however she is very much in need of a lot of attention and caring for, and if I did not intend to give her a lot of attention I should not make an attempt to establish a friendship with her. I asked her if she would build another fire, she did.

THE FOREVER FLAME

2007-12-04T05:43:00.000-08:00

Well S...y did what she said she would, she built a beautiful fire ring and stacked a wonderful bit of wood to be used. She said she had no need to come into THE HOUSE during the meeting tonight but that she would tend the fire and anyone who wanted to join her around the fire was welcome. I was more nervous about what our neighbors would say when they saw a fire and I again address myself to this with S...y she again said you will not know until the fire starts. I know she is right but I still am concerned. That was not my only concern I wondered what the wimmin would say about her living in the backyard in the tree. I said this to her and her response to me was "well I suppose you must have something to worry about." Should I get pissed off or no? Then out of nowhere me alter said well hello, so who invited you back I heard myself say,she responded with "well you did say you missed me." I did say that I did I did. But back to S...y, I wondered if she was going to show off here new home to any of the wimmin tonight, but I dare not ask. Time is getting close THE HOUSE really looks nice I pick some greenery from the yard for centerpieces and the music I have on tonight is from Barbara Ester's Day to Day CD. So now it is a matter of waiting and seeing. I know this one will be good.

I'VE GOT S...Y ON MY MIND

2007-11-29T06:24:00.000-08:00

You know this womon S...y is really creeping into my brains big time, why would such a womon have such an impact on me I really can not figure out. This morning when I woke up I looked outside and she was building a fire ring, she had found the shovel and had dug up some old coral rocks that she said would make a perfect round to the ring and that the rocks would keep it hotter than commercial stones, I asked her what did she think the fire rules of the hood were and answered I guess you'll find out when you make a fire. She looked as though she was digging to China, the hole was already a good two feet deep and at least a foot wide, she had stacked coral rocks all around it and on the inside the bottom was lined with coral rock, she had a wall about 1/2 foot high and had packed dirt around the wall, inside she had put smaller stones on top of the coral rocks, it was really beautiful. I asked her when would it be ready for a fire she replied she is ready now, we just need some wood, and I think I know where I can get some. She asked if she could use an old wheelbarrow I had and that she would go and get the wood latter in the day,no problem. And latter on in the day did she ever come back with a stack of wood in the wheelbarrow cut and dried, I asked her where did you find such wood, she smiled and said that is one of my homeless secrets, she stacked the pit and asked if I would want her to have a fire for the wimmin when they came next week for the action/event, I can not believe how clever this womon is. I said definitely yes.

WHO IS SALLY ANYWAY?

2007-11-24T10:31:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning thinking about my friend, my homeless friend S...y, who now lives in the backyard of THE HOUSE. I looked out the back window up into the trees to see if she was up there, she was. She was sitting on her platform smoking an herb, I always thought she was smoking a cig, until she told me she did not do tobacco. She also told me that she had been a vegetarian since her teenage years but became an animal eater when she went back to being homeless. I found that to be very strange since I thought acquiring animals to eat would be difficult if one is homeless. She assured me that was not so. She said that a lot of people when they were being "generous,compassionate or kind" would bring her animal based food. She also said at first she would refuse it and they would become so angry and mean toward that she decided to stop refusing and gradually began to eat it, she said at first she did become very ill from eating it but her body finally got adjusted to the poison, she said the thing that really came home to her is how much our bodies will adapt and adjust to almost any thing. She called that the beauty of life, not just human life but life. She said as she live homeless for a longer period of time she learned how to take the animal meals she was given and exchange them for other things that she needed with other homeless. I asked how was she able to make money, she said money was not the most important thing when one is homeless, because many gave money to really appease their conscience, and money was easy to get. She also said getting work was really not that easy, because the temp jobs were usually in exchange for something, and were menial almost all the time, not only that most folks did not want the homeless ones around for long because they felt they would be eventually ripped off. She added that this attitude was always a strange one to her, cause after all who is really getting ripped off? I was curious about something, i remembered that one time I had gone to see her under the overpass, and she was giving a cig to another homeless womon. I asked her if you don't smoke cigs, why were you giving one to that womon that time? Her response, I make it my business to garner a pack of cigs, I use them as trade offs. Do you smoke cigs she asked, no my answer, o she said because I have a brand new pack, I am still in the habit of using them as trade offs, they have become very expensive. I asked her if she thought smoking cigs was a healthy habit. Her response I don't smoke them. So what is there to say about that? I had to ask myself again really who is this womon?

RISE S...Y RISE S...Y

2007-11-23T08:54:00.000-08:00

Wipe your weeping eyes S...y, wow, what a womon, I never ever even imagine that I could learn so much from a womon who was is homeless. What is homeless really ? I have started to examine the whole idea of homeless. I remember thinking at one time how could any womon live homeless on the streets under the expressways, next to the railroads, in the boxes, garbage cans, dumpsters, old cars, and be out there with all the other homeless mainly men,how could she take being smelly, ignored, spat on, abused not only by the homeless men, but those who think that they are so much better than any homeless anybody. What kind of defenses does she have to develop in order to deal with others? What does she think of other humans? Does she have any true belief in anybody or anything. What does she have to say about politics, religion,education,training, food, sex, drugs, rock or roll, who and what is she impressed by? What does money,transportation,health, illness, warmth,caring love mean to her? As I asked myself these questions I realized that I was in for a long and extensive journey with S...y. And you know something crazy I was really glad to have her living in the tree in the backyard at THE HOUSE, maybe I could get her to make a guest appearance at one of the ( LESBIAN HOME DINING) actions. Here I am thinking all of this and I have not mentioned to the other wimmin that she is living here in the backyard in a tree,wow, I know some of the wimmin are gonna love me for this, but this is NOT their HOUSE. There I said it. THIS IS MY HOUSE.

WHO IS ANYONE?

2007-11-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

Well I must say I have learned a lot since S...y has been staying at THE HOUSE. I have learned things that I never thought I was capable of, I actually climbed a tree the first time since I was a kid, I kept telling S...y that I could not do it, and she kept saying as long as you give yourself that message you are correct you can not. Why not give yourself another message and she what happens, how bout I know I can, I know I can. When she said that to me and I did it, it reminded me of my Mother's words she would always say to me "child I CAN'T died before you were born". I think what surprised me most was here is this womon that I had been feeling sorry for cause she was homeless teaching me acts of strength. I started asking myself who is this womon really who is she? Now I want to talk more to her, I want to be with her more, but she is still a very elusive one, and I do not want to distance her from me nor me from her. Wow what an experience. I should say what a set of experiences.

AM I O.K.? WHO IS O.K.?

2007-11-14T07:34:00.000-08:00

S...y said that she felt blessed. o.k. and I am not sure what I feel. Have I acted wisely by leaving her stay here in the back yard? Should I have laid down more definite do's and dont's ? She seemed rather uninhibited can I handle this? These are the thoughts I was having in my head when I woke up this morning. Then I got up and looked out the back window to see if I could see her or rather what she had used as a tent. I saw nothing nor no one. I really got curious and went up to the window and really stared out. I still didn't see any thing nor one. Umm I thought where the hell did she go I don't see any impression of anyone having been in the backyard all night, I wondered if she decided to leave and not stay here last night, I know I didn't say anything to offend her or did I? Well I thought by the time I really wake up,brush teeth etc.,I will see what really is. An hour later I still had not heard nor seen any sign of life in the backyard and I decided to go out back. No one was there, no S...y, no tent, no nada. I really became concerned and had started back into the house when I heard a noise that caused me turn back and there was S...y popping down out of one of the Live Oak trees talking bout what a wonderful night she had up in the tree where she could smell, see, and hear everyone and everything during the night, and how much she loved it up there pointing upward into the huge tree. I know my mouth was dropped opened, cause when I looked up there in the tree she had a board and what looked liked a light blanket or sheet. I asked her how did she get up there and she showed my how, she actually climbed. When she came back down she said to me one night you really need to come up there and sleep I think you would love it. I didn't say a word I just looked at her, and she was beaming. I invited her in for a cup of tea. She declined and invited me out in the yard for some water and an herb. I took her up on it. I wanted to ask her a lotta questions but I really didn't know where to start and I did not want to offend her. I realized that I was becoming afraid of myself when I was around her. I could easily see myself going wild. WILD WILD what an interesting idea, going wild, I wonder what and how does that really happy and does it really happen,my mind just went to Gertrude S. if an attack could surprise would it?

THE RE ARRIVAL

2007-11-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

Sa..y and I went in THE HOUSE where she admired everything she saw, she suggested that we create two rooms out of the living room since she was so large, she thought the idea of turning one of the two bedrooms into a meeting room,office and pantry, was an excellent idea and gave that room the name THE MOP, wild name I said yes meeting room,office and pantry, good name. I invited her for tea I had some green tea that I liked and thought that she would also,she refused and told me that she would prefer a Duchess Du Bois I asked her what was that and she told me that was her favorite beer, I had never heard of it and told her so and offered her a Bud which she avidly refused,stating that she would never let that one touch her lips. I asked her if the next time she got a Duchess Du Bois could I have a sip?she agreed. So I had a cup of tea she had a glass of water,we sat and talked for a bit, then she got up said I am tired and I'm going to bed,said goodnight and went out the back door. I was curious where and in what is she going to sleep, but by now i realized that I had put my foot in my mouth enough times with her to ask no questions, I closed the door and got ready for bed, it has been a long long day and I need time to dream.

THE ARRIVAL

2007-10-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well me and Sa..y walked all the way to THE HOUSE i really enjoyed the walk with her, i think this is the first time i really, really remember so much about a street I had walked before and how I notice thanks to her all the new things that I had never noticed before now. She knew everyone on the streets and they knew her, I imagine that is the thing that had kept her safe all these years on the streets, everyone knew her. When we got to THE HOUSE Sa..y let out a howl that made me jump a mile, and then she said to me girl you are so blessed I have always wanted a cute little house and I am blessed she said because I get a chance to live in the yard of a cute little house and still feel free. She was crying, I am not comfortable with seeing wimmin cry so I walked rapidly in front of her and said come I'll show you where you can set up your tent (when i said that i realized for the first time that she didn't have a tent) and we walked to the back yard. She asked me if she could decide on where she would like to live in the yard (I said to myself why? I should be the one to tell you where you will live in my yard,but i did not say that) I said sure you can pick your spot just tell me where cause I want to put in a garden, she said o where I live won't interfere with your garden wherever you put it. She then asked if she could use the water hose I said yea, she went to the water hose, pulled it out into the center of the back yard, undressed, turned on the water and started to bath herself from the head down, I asked if she wanted some shampoo or soap, she just smiled and kept running water over herself. Minutes later she motioned to me to cut off the water, which I did, she stood there skyward for a few and then began to put on the clothing she had on before. I said to her that I had some clothing that I thought may fit her and that she could have them, I went inside and grabbed some clean clothing I had in an extra clothing box that I save to wear when my size changes and took them to her, she thank me and put them on and said to me now I am ready. I asked ready for what? She said to go in your house I remembered when you asked me to please bath before I came to your house so I have and now I am ready to go in your house. I smiled but I felt awful. We went in THE HOUSE. MY HOUSE?

THE GREAT MOVE HOME

2007-10-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

Well i went to met my homeless friend today to ride or walk with her back to THE HOUSE where she is going to live in my yard in a tent, she has decided to give up her homeless title to live here, i certainly hope that i am doing the right thing i did not ask the wimmin of the group if it was OK for her to move here because after all i am renting THE HOUSE from G..... not them, i guess if they don't like her being here they will voice it I'm pretty sure. So i caught the bus to the I-95 underpass to met her, she was there and seemed ready to go, she asked me if i would sit with her for a few minuets to say good by to the place and to leave of all things some incense there burning so that the next womon who live there would find peace as she had, i thought that was very sensitive and kind of her. While we were sitting there another womon walked up to talk to her and to say goodbye, they chatted for a bit and then my friend said to her you can have this space if you want it is a very good one, the other womon thanked her and asked if she could have the thin and funky looking mattress my friend gave it to her and also gave her 3 cigs, they hugged each other and said good bye. I thought to myself what a wild wild world we all live in, here are two wimmin who seem to care for each other calling themselves homeless and seeming to have all the love in their hearts for each other and yet....well i just find that very touching. My friend asked her friend if she would come visit her sometimes at her new place, she told her that she did not know exactly where it was but as soon as she was settled she would come up for her, they both agreed to this and we left. My homeless friend does have a name her name is Sa..y, so i said Sa..y you want to wait for the bus and she asked if it was OK if we walked? ok by me and so we did. It was a lovely walk one that i had not had before now, she showed me places that i had never noticed in my past walks or rides,for example i had never noticed the pomagrante trees near the sidewalks there and they were full of fruit, i did not know how to tell if they were ripe but she did and told me that they would be ripe in another week or so and that we could come and get some but that we had to be sure to keep noticing because everyone in the area were waiting for them to ripen. She showed me a neighborhood grocery store that specialized in fruits from the Caribbean Island and a little restaurant that had very good home cooked foods and always had a vegetarian meal to offer. We had a great walk and i felt so good walking with a womon who was so familiar with the streets i really felt safe with her, and that was truly a strange feeling for me. And so slowly we walk to THE HOUSE, and she said the wildest thing to me she said i want to thank you for helping me make THE GREAT MOVE HOME.

HOMELESS FRIENDS AGAIN ?

2007-10-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have had so many dreams in the past few nights, some of them were fun some were very scary. One in particular i dreamed that my homeless friend was murdered by a group of homeless men, i remembered she told me that she did not hang around the homeless men because they were no different from those who had homes, and that she did not feel safe around them, i wondered how she could avoid them being outdoors. I also dreamed that my homeless friend who had died earlier was really still alive but living somewhere else, i realized that this was a figment of my imagination, cuz myself with some other wimmin had her cremated. I think these dreams are my minds way of telling me to give some more thought about inviting my homeless friend to live in the yard at THE HOUSE, and i think i will visit her and tell her so. So i took a walk to where she lives under the I95 expressway to see if she really wanted to live in the yard at THE HOUSE, the back yard is very large. My walk was relatively calm and simple, nothing spectacular happening on the streets, it is a different walk from THE HOUSE to where she is than it was from my apartment in an unsafe part of town, seem as though there were less bodies out walking and as i would walk past others they did not seem as friendly as the others in my old neighborhood, maybe i just need to walk this more often. When i got to the underpass my friend was sitting there smoking, i didn't know that she smoked and said that to her, she smiled and said i don't smoke tobacco. I sat down and began to talk to her she seem so sad and i mentioned that to her. She said she was sad and it was because she wanted to see her two daughters but they were not open to seeing her unless she stop being homeless at this point i asked her if she would really like to live outside in a tent in the yard at THE HOUSE? She beamed, smile and said i sure would cause i really want to see my daughters, and that they would come to see her if she was living in a house, i reminded her it would be a tent, she reminded me that a tent is a house to her and a lotta others, she asked me if i remembered the THE TENT CITIES, that were established during the civil rights marches? I said do i remember? i most certainly do i lived in one of them during that time. I told her that she could move into the yard on that week-end, i also told her that i had three requests she asked me what they were. First i said i insist that you take a shower when you get to THE HOUSE, i told her i just could not take the odor, she laughed and said no problem my odor is getting next to me, and asked whats the next request, i told her when she live in the yard in a tent there were to be no men there on the land, and that any food preparation on the land had to be vegetarian, to that she said no worry no men, and when i want to eat meat i know where to go it won't be there. Great i said, i asked if she needed help moving her stuff her answer, the only stuff i will carry with me will be what i wear that day, i asked if she had other clothing she said no. I must see if i can get some clothing out of the spare box of stuff that was left by some wimmin. I stood up and told her i was leaving and that i would walk up on Saturday to get her and we could walk back to THE HOUSE or catch a bus, she reminded me that she had no money for the bus i told her not to worry and left.

DREAM ALL MY FEARS AWAY

2007-10-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

Well i wanted to dream and dream i did. I had so many dreams that when i woke up they all merged together and the only thing i remembered was i had been driving a huge truck and the brakes would not hold whenever i back up. So rather than fret over what i could not remember i started thinking about what living in THE HOUSE would be like, i wonder if i should call her THE HOUSE without color or THE HOUSE without fire, i find i like naming where i live and i do believe that is why i always called the apartment 'my apartment in an unsafe part of town. I need to give a lot of thought to what i name THE HOUSE cuz i do believe that naming something can imbue it with power and i want this place to be a power-filled one, one of change and intent.

HOME LESS FRIENDS?

2007-09-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

On my way home me alter came to me and asked,why do you befriend home less wimmin and call them your friends? I pondered the question and came up with this answer. It doesn't matter if they are home less or not they are my friends, and even if they were not home-less they would still be my friends. Me alter said but you don't have any friends who are not home-less do you? Of course i have i answered. There is S......, and M........., and A...., just to name a few. Me alter said but you never visit those friends and certainly not at the same rate you visit your home-less ones. She continued i think its because you feel as though you have done something spectacular when you visit the ones under the I95 expressway, you feel as though you have done something noble and compassionate by taking food and conversation to them. Did you ever think what these wimmin leave with you? What you gain from them? What they give and bring to you. Do you ever think what a home less womon does for you? Me alter continued with questions? How many times have you taken food to home wimmin? Why always the home less ones? She went on like this until i got off the bus at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, which i will be moving from in the next few days. I thought about what she said and put it in part of my mind, i really don't want to think about that just now, i just want to go home and sleep and dream.

MY HOME-LESS FRIEND?

2007-09-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

Well I'm going to see my home less friend at her home under the I95 overpass, i am taking her some avocados and limes some of her favorites. I took the bus there instead of walking, when i got there she was laying on her mattress fast asleep, i looked at her and wondered why would a womon prefer to stay out like this. And then i wondered why i wondered, she had already told me a long time ago why, but that did not stop me from wondering. I notice that she had had a bath she smelled different, i gently touched her and she jumped a mile and said to me don't ever do that again unless you want to get hurt, i asked her how should i have awaken her, she said its pretty simple just call my name. So i sat down and started to tell her about THE HOUSE that i was going to be moving into and why. She said that she thought i was venturing into a dangerous area, because as she said,when one becomes dependent on someone else to take care of them that have to concerned themselves with becoming obligated. I told her i was not dependent on the group taking care of me, and that i did not feel obligated to anyone. Her comment on this was you will, and she started talking about having to move herself because the city was doing a homeless homeland eradication, because the President was coming to town and the officials did not want Sir Pres to see dirty bodies, and clothing laying around under the expressway. I asked her where was she moving to and her response surprised me. She said since you are moving into a fancy new house, why not take me on as your project? No way i said to myself no way, i need a roommate now like i need another alter. Before i could think i said to her that I just can't. I don't want a roommate and besides you told me that you would not want to live in another house, because you liked the freedom of outdoors. She started laughing like she had lost it, and when she was finished she said you know all you homers seem to always come to the same place in mind, i don't really want to live with you i really wanted to see what you would say. She continued i really do love living out doors, but you see i can live outdoors any where, i could live out doors at your house. Well i thought to myself i cant have anyone living outdoors at my house, and then me alter said you have wimmin living outdoors when you invite them to tent, well i said to her that's different, and she asked how? Well it is not permanent, me alter then said i did not hear her say that she wanted to permanently live at your house outdoors (your house? o that's right it's your house right?) Well i think i want to go home I'm done here. I told my homeless friend i would see her later,she asked me again so what do you think outside at your house or no, i said or no and left.

THE LAST SUPPER WHAT A NIGHT

2007-09-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a night the last event/action at (LESBIAN HOME DINING), the food was absolutely fantastic all of it, the wimmin were more lively than ever before, the atmosphere was hot, the conversation was all about THE HOUSE, and no one had any problems, concerns, or issues that seemed pressing (well no one talked about it anyway), the conversation was all about how THE HOUSE should be decorated,with, what, and by whom.It was at this point i decided to bring up the subject of who THE HOUSE was being rented to. Silence fell when i asked this question. G..... said i am renting THE HOUSE to you with the understanding that the group would meet, and that should the group decide not to meet there, she would make arrangements with me as to how the rent would be paid and how other stuff would be taken care of. She asked the group to please vote on this so as to make it official, they did and they agreed. (I said to myself whats with the official i mean what does that really mean? what would the unofficial be and what would it mean? I decided to keep my thoughts to myself,and at that my alter came alive from a long hiatus said "well, well, you finally learned how to keep your mouth shut".When the group was ending i asked the group what should i do with the money i had left over from before and from this night meeting? The total was 205.00dollars, the group decided to pay the light bill which was 85.dollars and have the account switched over to THE HOUSE in my name and the same with the water bill which was 45.00dollars. The rest of the money was to be given to me for executing the business of switch-over of the utilities. I then asked what should i do with the food stuff that was left over, i had, 1lb of seitan, 2lbs tofu, 3organic sweet potatoes,3lbs organic basmati rice, 2lbs organic quinoa ,avocados. The group asked that those foods that could be taken to THE HOUSE be taken there, and those that were perishable be given away to other wimmin, i decided at that point that i would take it to my homeless friend at the I95 diner under the expressway. Is it really necessary to identify her as my homeless friend would not friend be sufficient, i think i will ask her that next time i see her.

THE LAST SUPPER O.K.?

2007-09-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well tonight is the night, there will be forty of us wimmin here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town to come together for the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event at this place, we are moving into THE HOUSE for good next week, most of the stuff that i needed to carry over is there, i didn't have much anyway.So for food tonight i did,Baked tofu cutlets in a brown gravy,spelt pasta in olive oil with zucchini, steamed choyote and callilou,brown rice,honey grilled grapefruit halves,sliced avocado, sliced apples and the carrot banana cake that one of the wimmin made, there is not much furniture in the apt, because of our move so most of the wimmin will have to sit on the floor or on milk crates, i don't know how 40- of us are going to fit in but we will figure it out. I have chosen Rosanna's Luna Rotas for the music tonight, i don't think music will be important so much tonight because everyone is still talking about THE HOUSE. The food looks good and i assured the woman who runs the apt building that no one would park as a nuisance, she said fine but i could see in her face the relief of knowing that we would be moving soon. Dear woman I'm sure she catchs hell from the tenants about parking, i am going to ask to group if it is OK for me to give her a tip for being so patient with our parking habits, and if they say no i will tip her myself, but i don't see where there will be a problem.

MY APARTMENT IN AN UNSAFE PART OF TOWN

2007-09-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

I had no intentions of becoming melancholy about moving, but i am beginning to feel a bit of sadness at the thought of leaving my apartment in an unsafe part of town, to move to THE HOUSE. What makes a place,time, area unsafe? What makes those places unsafe? the people? the environment? the weather? the air? the attitude of those who live there? the attitudes of those who don't live there? When i think about this place i have called home for seven years, i feel very safe, i believe those who live here feel safe, the children act as though they feel safe, the cats and dogs act as though they feel safe (they only bark when there is someone new in the hood, and,( stray dogs and cats) stray to them because they are suppose to be in their yards or on another street,(and maybe in another hood?) on yes they do bark at birds who land in their yards for their food, so i think they and birds feel safe. So What makes this an unsafe part of town? The wimmin have been coming here and the only incidents we have are between us, no robbery,rape riot here since i have been here.So why is this an unsafe part of town? why do i insist on calling the place i have lived for seven years my apartment in an unsafe part of town?what makes me feel safe calling her that? is there safety in monikers? do we imbue words or places with power by calling them what we do? so when i say i am a lesbian do i imbue myself with power? (and me alter said well i could call that ego) when i say i am a proud bull dyke or dagger do i imbue myself with power. a strong womon? Well all the thoughts flood into my head as i think about moving and as i prepare to do so, and we haven't even had the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event yet. I suppose i need to go on to other thoughts,but i want to cry. LOSS? can i have GAIN without it?

THE HOUSE CALLS

2007-09-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well it was quite an event/action at the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) gather. Everyone is going over to see THE HOUSE and see if anything else needs to be done to her. I have decided to move, i do know that it is in my best interest and in the best interest of the group. There will be one more (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i have already given notice and being that i am on no lease it will not be a problem to move, i have given my new address to some of the women here and invited them to come see me when ever they like, i am giving away quite a bit of the stuff i have collected here over the past seven years, although it is stuff i have valued and will always have memories of some of it it,is time to turn loose, G.... has made sure that THE HOUSE is already furnished so the only thing i will be taking with me as far as furniture is concerned is two rocking chairs that my mother gave me and some very personal personals. I think i will really miss my old frig that i had to kick every now and then to keep her heart beating. I am going to clean up the place and hope some womon who will really love the stuff i am leaving in her,will get her. I have not started the cleaning yet because although i know it is time to leave i miss the apartment, the hood and the( people wimmin, children, and men) and i haven't even moved yet. The last meeting here will take place this come week, i have $200.00, and was told by the group members to go all out for this(LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action since it will be the last one here. From the last action/event, in addition to the $200.00 i have 13 organic grapefruits, 6lbs of organic Tofu, 7organic apples, 5lbs of organic brown rice. I am going to my neighbors to see if i can get some more aki from her i noticed the other day that her trees are still full, another neighbor have Avocados down and i will buy some from her. I went to the health food store they had on sale,organic kale and Swiss chard, so i got some 0f that, and some zucchini and chayote, and i found some callilou at the Jamaican store. I found also some spelt pasta that i am going to use. Don' t know how i am going to prepare these yet that will come. I called the womon in the group who makes great carrot banana bread and ask her how much or what would she charge for making a cake or two to serve 30 wimmin, she said she would make it for no cost if i purchased the ingredients, agreed. One of the wimmin in the group is from Peru so she said she would make a Peruvian drink from purple corn, it sounds like we will have one grand last action/event of (LESBIAN HOME DINING) at the apartment that loved us so much in an unsafe part of town.

FEARLESS? AND BRAVE? WONDER WOMON?

2007-09-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event is beginning, and i am bringing up right away THE HOUSE, and i did o why o why did i? I started off by saying that the woman who was in charge of the apartment building in which i lived was becoming more and more agitated with the parking situation when ever we met, and that i was becoming more and more uncomfortable with having to deal with her over the parking. I also said that i thought it was time the group think about moving somewhere else because we were growing in numbers and i did not think the apartment would hold more of us, every one agreed to this. The womon G..... who originally offered THE HOUSE, mentioned that THE HOUSE was ready to be moved into and that i could move anytime i wanted to, another womon asked me if i was prepared to move and if not when? I told the group, that i did not think i wanted to move from the apartment, and that i thought it would be a good idea if the group move to THE HOUSE,its just that i didn't think i wanted to move. One womon asked me why did i not want to move,since THE HOUSE was in a better part of town, and that there was more room and privacy for the group, and it seem that the group would flourish better there. I acknowledged that THE HOUSE was indeed better for the group, but i did not want to move because i had some concerns that had not been addressed. And i told them my concerns, starting with what would happen to me if the group decided that they wanted to move again, would i not be stuck with a house that i could not afford to live in, and what about the increase in utilities and other services? I also asked about getting help from other wimmin if work had to be done at THE HOUSE since no men would be allowed there. Here are the responses i got. If the group decided to met somewhere else,G..... said she and i could work something out as far THE HOUSE was concerned, the group agreed as for the increase utilities, some of the money collected from our actions/events would be used to take care of the increase,as far as help in work on the house by other wimmin, those wimmin who had always helped would continue to do so. They could see my doubt and some of the wimmin addressed themselves to this, one womon said she thought it was a case of me developing more trust not only in myself but in other wimmin,at this comment me alter started talking in my head see she said i told you so, i forgot for the moment that is was she who talking to me and before i knew it i said out loud just freaking cool it, the wimmin looked at me as though they thought i had lost it, and i had,so i said don't fret i am losing if for the moment, it has nothing to do with you it really is me. And with that comment one womon said you know i am really becoming concerned about you. And i asked her so do you think its stress? Some of the wimmin thought i was being arrogant and said so, i started to explain what had happened and i thought of Gertrude S., when she said "explanation is composition" and i realized that i had no need nor desire to compose.Would you believe me alter got really crazy at this point and started talking like someone had given her mockingbird seeds, see she said, see i told you so , and again without thinking i answered her told me what ?what did you tell me? I asked out loud, the wimmin in the group looked at me as though i had really gone bonkers, and i said o don't mind me I'm just talking to myself,i mean what else could i have said that would have made sense? One of the wimmin asked, should we talk about this again at our next action/event? half of the wimmin said yes the other half said no, so the talk continues. I was getting tired of hearing about THE HOUSE, i wanted to hear what that womon who the last time said she felt guilty about eating any food had to say, so i asked if we could talk more about that, and everybody said no, including the womon, they said that they wanted to firm up then and there if the group would be moving and when, with or without me they said. Me alter said ha ha they will move with or without you so what do you think of that now sistergirl? Well i said to myself with or without me, here is my chance to get out of the group if that is really what i want, here is my chance, but you know what i did not say a word, at that moment i realized that i really wanted to be a part of the group, but if they wanted to move with or without me maybe they did not care if i was a part of the group or not. At this point me alter said to me o here comes Sir Doubt,this is really gonna be good, i feel a big one coming on, i open my mouth to say something only this time i heard it before it came out of my mouth and i closed it.So the talk went on and on ad naseaum, and the final decision was this, we would hold one more action/event at my apartment and start to move to THE HOUSE, the coming weekend, the wimmin again said to me that they would love to see me move with them, but that at i had every right to decided to stay where i was but to please let them know my decision within the next three days, i agreed to do that and the group ended on that note.

FEARLESS AND BRAVE WONDER WOMON

2007-09-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well i have decided to stay where i am in terms of THE HOUSE and my apartment in an unsafe part of town, and i will let the wimmin know that at the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. I think my decision is based on sound thoughts,i know that i can afford the rent on my apartment if the wimmin choose to go somewhere else, i know that i do enjoy the company of my neighbors and that i can make new neighbors should i need to, i know that i am comfortable here in this hood and that i can find comfort in other hoods should i need to, i also know that i may be hedging on moving somewhere else, and that i am open to changing my mind. I think at the next meeting i will bring up the subject myself so as to resolve it. Now i must wait for the next event/action to let my thinking be known. I also realize that my space is getting to small for the events/actions to continue to meet here

THE FEARLESS WONDER WOMON

2007-09-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from my fear trip it was quite a trip. I realize that these trips will be many as life goes on and life goes on, but anyway i captured this one, now on to the next. THE HOUSE i must talk to myself seriously about this before i talk with the other wimmin, i don't think i want to go to THE HOUSE and i think i have decided to stay in my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i feel safe here, and comfortable and no need to change, or, for change did i just say that? i am the one who is always saying change is, so what's with the no need to or for change. That word change looks very strange to me just now cha nge cha nge cha nge change change change, it has a certain sound, sh ang ga, i wonder if other wimmin hear the sound the musical sounds of a word or is it easier to think of this word rather than THE HOUSE? I think i can put off thinking about THE HOUSE untill i get closer to the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. But moving is still a possibility, why not? why not?

ME AND MY ALTER

2007-08-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well well my alter said to me are you ready to confront your fears/demons? do you want to talk to me? would you rather wallow in your fears/demons? is it more entertaining or fun for you to feel helpless and a victim? Want do you need to do? What do you want to do? (Remember she said when you don't know what to do do nothing) So doing nothing i have put my hands to preparing for the next LESBIAN HOME DINING event/action. Now that my hands are busy, i asked my alter so what do i do with my brains? She said OK lets talk. She asked me of what was i so full of fear over? Her question caused me to think i had never thought of it the way she had asked of what was i so full of fear over? I thought to myself of what? of What? of what was i so full of fear over? I thought and thought and could not come up with an answer, of what was i so full of fear over? Maybe i said to my alter i need to ask of who cause i really can't think of a what. My alter said so then of who are you so full of fear over? The way she said the who annoyed me. I said do you have to say who like that, i mean who but why who? She said OK,who, and i must ask you why the annoyance over the way i said a word? seems to me that you are trying to get rid of a hot potato, or i just hit the huggler, and she said huggler just to annoy me some more because she knew my grandaunt who could not pronounce j"s would say huggler when ever she meant juggler. I said to her i really think you are trying to see to what extent you can go to get me really pissed off. Then she went on her high horses and said to me "surly you have better command of the English language and enough awareness to find another word to indicate you anger than "pissed off", o so now its all about me right ? she said i thought it was always all about you. I started to tell her what she could do with her freaking advice, but i had to ask myself so why are you so annoyed? I began to really think and think about my (I'm not sure if i should call them mine any more) fears and about who or what were those fears(that i some how have not been able to identify yet) about. Well in the midst of those thoughts me alter up ed and said ha ha you see now don't you? It really is more fun having fears for you than not, why don't you see if you can be fear-less fear-less fear-less, and then she started to sing this song that i know she was making up as she went, she sang to the tune of little sally walker sitting in a saucer. her song went o little little victim, sitting in her pitdom, rise victim rise, dry your weeping eyes, turn to the east victim, turn to the west victim turn to the north victim,south your victim lost victim, and with her singing of that song i think i got it. I think I Got It I Think I Got It All words all words, and then build feelings around the words, and then you get it? I think so.

WHO NEW YOU?

2007-08-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have been caught up in the thickness of fear and self something i don't know what to call it,i almost don't want to go to any more actions/events, i am fear full of something and i don't know what. I want to stay in bed, cover my head and let the world go by me. I think i want to find somewhere i can go where i don't know anyone and no one knows me.All those new wimmin, wimmin i love so much but how can you love someones and be fear full of them at the same time? My alter is having a ball yapping in my head. She said that my fear was a sign that i had some demons i needed to deal with, i said to her fine but who are the demons?where are they?why are they on my butt? what do i need to do? Me alter said to me to slow down, breathe deep and listen to my heart beat Listen to my heart beat? my heart sounds like 15 drums all going at the same time. I think i need someone to talk to , someone who has no need to make judgements on what i think i have to say,cuz i'm not really sure of what i have to say. Me alter said i needed to make silence my friend and embrace the quiet. I must do something, maybe silence is the answer. I remember when i decided to talk only to wimmin for a whole year, wow what a year that was, i got sent to jail for not talking to a police officer,then went to jail in jail for not talking to the social worker who was not a womon,then went to jail in jail again for not talking to the judge who was not a womon, and when i would tell the wimmin that i would only talk to wimmin, i got written up for a visit to the shrink,who was a womon, and then i talked my ass off, and she wrote up the report,after i made sure that she realized that i was not nuts, just talking to wimmin-only. So on finding someone to talk to my honie was the one, i learned how to write the unspoken language of Runic and wrote many letters to my honie who answered me in the same Runic language. Maybe this is the time for silence again, however as i have been often told by some of my elders remember burnt child fears fire. I don't know that i could go to jail again, go thru all of the shit of jail again and come out sane as i did before i don't know that I'm that strong now. O FEAR HOW DO YOU HOLD ME AS YOU DO? O FEAR HOW CAN I RID MYSELF OF YOU. O FEAR O FEAR O FEAR TURN ME LOOSE.

WHO IS NEW

2007-08-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

i never thought that i would be scared to met new wimmin i am, i quess all the tenets of group dynamics are in play the whole I C A thing that i thought i had forgotten. Inclusion, Control,Affection are all in place, the wimmin are coming to my apartment in an unsafe part of town i will miss calling her that if i should move.Now do i really want to move to THE HOUSE as they call it, deep in my heart i want to stay here, am i overlooking something that is good for the all of us, i like the apartment I'm in,i like the hood, i like the people. Me alter said what does your heart say? what does your mind say? what does your gut say? well my heart says stay here,my mind says move it is time, my gut says this is a wonder filled opportunity to move into another phase of my life with other wimmin and myself. Will i be able to pay the rent? what if the wimmin agree to move and i move and then they decide that they want to go elsewhere? What if don't like the people in the area? or what if i don't like the neighbors? What if feel responsible to stay there or what if some other wimmin want to stay there? Who will help me if i case i need more money to keep it running? what if i cant find wimmin who will or can do the work that i can not do? All these questions keep popping up in my head, what to do? Me alter said take it to the group. I asked is my life about the group or about me? Where does one end and the other begin? I guess i will know something soon enough. But this saying that my mother would always use came back to me just now "what if a bullfrog had wings" and she would answer "if a bullfrog had wings he would not bump his ass when he hopped. Gnats and Camels,Bullfrogs and Wings sounds like a good title for a song.

SO WHATS COOKING

2007-08-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

I called some of the wimmin who come together to have a (LHD) event/action, one womon told me that they had gotten together at G..... house for the last event, no one wanted to prepare food so they ordered Chinese food and had a wonderful event, she told the foods that they had and mentioned the discussion on the moving to THE HOUSE as she called it. I asked how many wimmin came she said about 25, they did not bring any food from their gardens, nor any food for the next event, but decided that they would wait till i got back in town to see if i was still interested in doing food at the apartment,she said she was very happy that everyone agreed to have a vegetarian style Chinese meal and realized how much she had missed me and thought that everyone had,that was so good to hear. On THE HOUSE she asked me if i was willing to move to THE HOUSE, told her that i still had to give some thought to that and that i wanted to know what the other wimmin thought about it,she did not want to talk about the other wimmin opinions and thought that it would be better to talk about it at our next (LHD) event/action. She also said she did not think it was necessary for me to call the other wimmin to tell when the next action/event would be, reminded her that the time and or date had not been established so i thought calling would be necessary, she agreed. So i will make phone calls tonight and see what happens. I missed all the wimmin and am looking forward to calling and talking to them.

MY NEW FRIEND AT THE 1-95 UNDERPASS DINER

2007-08-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yes i am back and i decided to go see my friend at the underpass of the 1 95 dinner, i named it that cause that is my Lesbianhousedining- wimmin- only- space with my homeless womon friend. She was there, she looked very tired and she had a terrific odor. I gave her some avocados from the neighbors tree, some limes and some water, she said she really wanted a hot meal, told her i would make and bring her a hot meal next time i came, also told her it would be a vegetarian meal, she laughed and said OK, but asked me if i could forget the squash she would not mind, asked her couldn't she give it to some of the other wimmin she answered no, wanted to ask why not but changed my mind. I also wanted to say something about her odor but i didn't really know how to approach this, how do you tell some one that they stink and do it politely, is that really possible, and does she really stink, maybe its just that i did not like the odor, and i can always get up a leave if it offends me so much. I stayed there and we talked or rather she talked,she spoke about being homeless and what that meant to her. She said i haven't always been homeless, been homeless this time 5years,the other time i was homeless i changed my mind and started living with this womon i had known for years,but she had men problems, she wanted one so badly that she would go sell her bod and then give the man she wanted all her money, which he would take and not come to see her again until he needed more money, when i talked to her about it we got into a huge argument she said things that angered me and i did the same, with the last argument i thought it would be best if i moved out she agreed and i left, i had save up some money but i wanted the freedom i feel when i live outdoors and there are no outdoor shelters established by the government excepts highways,byways, and freeways. I thought to myself what a wild way of seeing and looking at things. She called this government house for the homeless. I asked her why she did not like shelters? here is what she said they stink, a womon has to watch out for all the men who are all over you, because they mainly provide housing for men we wimmin are don't get the same quality of services, and we are expected to do all of the menial work that even homeless men feel that they should not, she said if i wanted a husband at least i would make my own decisions about who it would be, so she said i don't do shelters. I thought to myself hell i wouldn't do shelters either. I asked her did she want to live in house maybe with other wimmin? she answered had enough of that the last time. Well the time had come i needed to leave her told her i would see her later, asked her if she wanted to come to my house and take a shower, she answered i need water inside today not outside,well with that i got up to go, she stood up and leaned toward me as though she wanted a hug, for a minute i said to myself o no please don't hug me you stink, so i did not move toward her,she moved toward me, gently kissed me on the cheek smiled and said good-by, i did the damnest thing i actually hugged her and said good by. I really felt very good doing that and her odor lingered in my nose till i got home and i took the shower. (LESBIAN HOME DINING)LOVE WIMMIN ONLY SPACE ,what is all that really about ? as my Peruvian friend would say qien sabe. Well i know its time for me to see my other friends and find out what has been happening since i last talk to them and saw them.

HI NEW FRIEND

2007-07-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Gonna go visit my new woman-friend under I-95 underpass, take her a meal, talk with her a bit, I've got seven dollars i wanna give her, let her know that i will be gone for a little bit and will see her when i get back, and then i outta here for a bit, i will see if i can not think for the next l5 to 20 days,see if that is a possibility, alter says it is not possible but what does she know about my capabilities? i give her a run for it on this one. bye I'm gone

SO NOW WHATTA I DO?

2007-07-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Well i must say us lesbians/wimmin never ceased to amaze i can understand now why sometimes we are called or we call ourselves amazing amazons. All the wonderful food that they left is enough for me to make several meals, i wonder if it is time for us to increase our numbers, o no not numbers again. Nope i cant take that right now no more numbers no more. But on the food i could ask if we can get together twice a week since we have so much food, or i could prepare something for my neighbor women or i could take some to my new friend under the l-95 underpass diner, or i could keep it for myself, what to do what is right to do i just don't know right now to much to soon. First a possible new place to move then a lotta of food and also the money is increasing i think i need to show how that is being used also. So now what i really realize how much i have grown to like the wimmin well all the people in this neighborhood, i can now understand why the young ones call this the hood. I think of a hood and the purpose of a hood to cover, to protect,to shield, warmth, wow i never thought moving from one place to another could bring on such strong feelings, but this is like moving from a protected place to one that i am not sure of. Maybe i am as my mother would say straining at a gnat and losing a camel. So what do gnats and camels have to do with this? O me alter is coming fore i can feel her, i think i have found a way to lower her voice in my ear. Simple i start singing in my pretend a sing voice the one my sister said would wake up the dead, see if that works. Well I'm suppose to go see the house with the other wimmin, i don't really want to go cause i really don't want to hear anything negative about the house, my alter said to me i think what it is really is that you have decided that you want the house and you don't want to hear any reasons about why it might not be such a good idea. Or is it that you have not given thought or don't want to give thought to the possibility that G...... is gently pulling you into her corner, i resent that you make me sound as though i have allowed myself to be taken in when you say such things, me alter said well if it is not so no problem eh? Well i said to myself i wonder if i should just call the and make up an excuse as to why i wont be there to see the little house with them, and then i heard me alter say liar liar pants on fire. Well i asked myself what is my hesitation with going with the other wimmin about really? I must admit i don't want to hear anything negative about the little house, alter says so maybe you wont , but whats with not hearing anything? I did not say i didn't want to hear anything i do want to hear everything,so OK then go and listen. So anyway about the food? I know the perfect meal i will make for the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING)action/event now about the money. I find if i start to sing its more difficult to think so now i sing, better yet i think i will put barb ester on the Cd player and sing along loudly, loud, louder, yes that's good.

HUH PLANT BASED WHAT?

2007-07-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Well i got into talking so much about the eggs and mozzarella cheese at the last (LHD) event/action i failed to talk about the womon there who said i still need to talk about my addiction to meat and it seems to me everyone here wants to avoid talking about that, is it more comfortable talking about something else she asked. One of the other wimmin said she thought now was a very good time to talk about addictions since we were talking about eggs and the mozzarella cheese anyway. The womon who identified herself as having a meat addiction ask a very intense question, her question, does anyone else here feel as thoughthey have a meat addiction? One womon said i think i can stop eating meat if i really wanted to forever but i don't really want to, she went on to say that she felt to call a love for meat an addiction was not in her reality because meat is here for us to eat, and calling a love for it an addiction was the same to her as was calling her love for money an addiction and her love for man and his kind an addiction. She also said that she thought we as wimmin took on the illness of victims when we identify something or someone we loved as addictive. That is was high time we looked at what we did in a positive lights rather than negative ones, i did not quite understand what she meant but i hesitated to respond because it seemed to me that i am always the one who is questioning, questioning, so i on this one kept my mouth closed. Remember G...... she had something very interesting to say she said she had been raised as a vegetarian, she came from a family who tied vegetarianism into their religious practices and her family was very strict about it, she said when she married a man he also was vegetarian for religious reasons and she felt this was at the bottom of their divorce,because he no longer wanted to be vegetarian and she did, she had refused to cook animals for him and that he would not eat non vegetarian foods in public but when they were home he insisted that she prepare meat for him, this caused her to see him as a lying hypocrite and when she told him this his anger about it was the cause of many arguments so much to the point that they stop relating to each other and a divorce was the only way that she could keep her wits about herself operating. She also said after her divorce she toyed with the idea of not being vegetarian but had an extreme amount of difficulty releasing herself from the guilt about eating animal parts. One of the wimmin asked her if she was still a vegetarian? she said i stop being a vegetarian for five years, i have now been a vegetarian for the past seven. Everybody wanted to ask her questions about her experiences she was quite gracious and directed the conversation back to the womon who wanted to talk about her meat addiction. I must admit everyone did seem a bit uncomfortable listening to the womon who talked about her addiction. I asked her if she wanted to become a vegetarian, she responded that she really did not know but did not think so, however she said i do enjoy so much coming here to the (LHD) actions/events cause i give myself a chance to see how me and the as y'all call it plant based foods do together. I thought to myself now there is a helluva womon wow she is damn honest, and i like that. I told her that i thought she was a helluva womon for being so candid and honest. I also told her not to be so hard on herself cause coming here was a tremendous step and i also told her what i think on becoming, becoming anyone,and on being, being who you feel you really are,she didn't say anything she smiled. Another womon said she thought addictions were very real and needed to be dealt with as a reality, and the best way she said to deal with addictions is to get help, i asked here isn't that what this womon is asking for help in dealing? I was not quite ready for her reply which was, yes but we are not authorities on the subject of addictions and perhaps we need to develop a list of experts who could come to the meetings and help us with such things as addictions. I asked her who is better acquainted with my addictions than myself and where would we get these ex perts who could tell us how to deal with our concerns who are more knowledgeable on us than we are? The womon who identified her addiction as a meat one said i have been to all the ex perts that i am going to i would really rather stay here and deal with this on the level i have chosen with other wimmin, wow was i glad to hear her say that. I asked her do you have a meat addiction or would/could you call it a food addiction? She said she had never thought of it in those terms. She also said i just know that i really love meat, she also said i have heard some of you say that the 3M's are the divide and that they come together as a divide, are you saying that if i love and have to have meat i love and have to have men? and love and have to have money? One womon i thought was very harsh in her response she said without a doubt. The other womon said that one i will have to think about and through, another womon said i don't know if that is so cause i dont have a meat addiction and i do love my husband and i sure as hell don't hate money, and i said but look you placed them all together as a love, she said so? Well the time is getting late i said and besides i was getting very tired and i noted so were the others,so i asked if we could call it stops for the evening everyone agreed except one womon who said i really think that we should continue until we can come to some agreement and i said agreement on what her response on if there is truth in that the 3M's all come together. I said i am tired she said i don't think the group ends simply because you are tired, i said you are absolutely right, so, why don't you all carry on and when you are finished please be sure that all the lights are out and the stove is also i am going to bed and with that i got up went to the bathroom and went to bed i did not hear them when they left. The next morning i got up and saw that they had cleaned up everything,left me a note that they would like to meet at my apartment in an unsafe part of town next week, they also left the following 5lbs organic brown rice, 5lbs organic pasta, 5lbs organic sweet potatoes, 5 organic Spanish onions, 6bunches of organically grown for some womon's yard of spinach,7lbs of organic tofu, a 3lb box of organic quinoa, 2bags of corn tortilla chips, 1box or soy milk and 110 dollars. Wow what an evening. I looked at all they had left and heard myself say so where is the homemade mozzarella?

SO THESE ARE PLANT BASED?

2007-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING)event/action went really strangely i enjoyed some of it some of it was eh to me, it was good being with the different wimmin old and new ones. I am always delighted in watching the faces of the new wimmin who for many of them are in wimmin-only-space for the first time, i often wish i could get inside of their heads to hear them thinking. First of all the ambiance was great and i felt great. The food was one of the main topics everyone thought it was superb and every single womon except the new ones wanted to know if i thought the eggs and mozzarella were plant based foods. At first i felt very defensive about having to talk about eggs and mozzarella being there,but the conversation i had had with me alter really helped me through. The womon who asked me the most questions about the eggs and mozzarella said she too was having a very difficult time moving away form eggs and cheese in her diet and one of the things that helped her was egg replacer and nutritional yeast, she did say sometimes these worked for her and when they did not she found herself eating eggs, she also said that her need for eggs dropped when she ate more beans, i thought to myself now that's a real farter. Another womon said she wanted to know how i had rationalized putting eggs and mozzarella cheese out to be eaten by them when we had all agreed on plant based foods being served. I said well those foods were left by wimmin from the last event/action, she said so? If someone had bought chickens would i have served them, i replied i did not think any one would bring chickens and of course i would not have served them. And again she asked what made me served the eggs and mozzarella? I told her that after a lotta of thought i decided to serve them and yes i realized they were not plant based, and yes i remembered that we all had agreed to plant based food. I also said i guess i had made a mistake by serving them but it was a toss up between me eating it in private and not saying anything or serving them and seeing what would happen and eating it with others. The womon said so is that your idea of eating plant based foods it has to done with others but non plant based foods are to be eaten in private. I said no. Then i really did it i said no one had to eat it, and i asked what would she have done. No one said anything when the womon left the food there, so why not why didn't someone object to her bring the food there in the first place and i reminded them no one said anything then. One womon said she would have put it her frig and eaten it by herself since the agreement was on food served at the actions/events and she felt she could and would eat anything she damn well pleased outside of the . Another womon said she thought we were making mountains out of molehills, another said she did not understand how eating eggs and cheese harmed anyone, another said it seemed to her if we all agreed on something in and for the group we should adhere to it, another said she thought that if it was ok to have eggs and cheese then what was wrong with paying a fixed price for the food and allowing some men in the group ? One woman said ok lets start again and lets see if we can get some clarity. So she suggested we vote on it? I ask can we agree on it and forget the voting,another womon wanted to know what was wrong with voting and i said i did not say anything was wrong with voting i just want to know if we could agree on it, the group verbally voted to vote on it. I did not vote i agreed on it. The"it" this wimmin-only-space? yes, plant based foods? yes, money exchange left up to each womon?,yes. Wow and that was on eggs and mozzarella. O were they eaten at the action/event? Yes.

YEA? SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EGGS AND MOZZARELLA?

2007-07-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

So anyway i put out a lovely display of food for the (LESBIAN HOME DINING)event/action,wow was she ever impressive.I think i strutted around like a peacock full feathered tail ashow, and in the midst of my peacockish strut a womon said o wow non plant based food is this really for real? In the house of the rising sun,there is an animal based food upon the table o what goddess should we ask for forgiveness, i thought she was shitting me but she carried on like this until every womon was there on and on and on really ad throwism, i really want to say to her shut the f.... up. she kept it until she hada chorus of wimmins voices repeating the same thing

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EGGS AND MOZZARELLA?

2007-07-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

So i told meself when i was preparingthe food for the next (LHD) action/event. But what about the eggs and mozzarella cheese left by the womon from last time? I asked myself now what do i do as i said i love eggs and especially from home grown chickens and how prey tell how can i give up the home-made mozzarella? What shall i do these are not plant based foods. So i talked to two beings me alter and one of my best friends my lover. Here is what each of them had to say. Me alter said OK if indeed you sincerely believe you need to eat only plant based foods how do you justify your eating of eggs and mozzarella cheese even if they both came from a home made source? Believe it or not here is what i said. Well on eggs they are basically plant based consider the chicken eats greens,beatles, worms, bugs, grubs, grain and she turns that into an egg and it does not kill her when she has an egg and i eat it. Me alter said no it does not kill her but when you eat an egg you are killing future chickens. And that perhaps i was more of a killer than those who did not eat the egg, but ate the full grown chicken who probably had given up all her eggs for me to eat, my thoughts went back to my sister who will not eat an egg (cause she says that when you eat an egg you really are eating a chickens monthly) but she will eat the chicken. Me alter asked me if i could feel comfort thinking about who i was killing in order to eat, i asked her if was possible to eat whatever i wanted and not give thought to who died, she asked me can you? You know I've gotta admit at this point i wondered to myself is it possible to get rid of an alter and how do you do it? Me alter said i know what you're thinking but betcha you cant do it. Now all i wanted to do is eat the eggs and the mozzarella, but OK alter give it to me what about the mozzarella? i am not killing anyone by eating it and me alter said so is it plant based food? I answered the cow is a vegetarian(and at this point me alter said unless man steps in and feed them another animal, then you get mad cows), she also said to me if eating another animal causes a cow to go mad what do you think you as an animal eating her could do to you? But i am not eating the cow i am eating the cheese made from her milk and in this case its home made cheese. Me alter said so is it a plant based food? Look i said to my alter all i wanna do is eat the eggs and cheese cut me some slack will you? Slack? she said hey they are your principles. I wondered could i eat the eggs and cheese when no one else is around and no one would know the difference, me alter said you will and then you will be a liar liar pants on fire. She said so what will you tell the other wimmin who know that you got the eggs and mozzarella at the last (LHD)action/event? Then to top it off she said and you will know that to thine own self you can't be true.Me alter could tell i was pissed-off, cause i said OK enough of this already, she said so what are you going to do? So what i did is i boiled all the eggs, and while they were boiling i would look at them in the pot jumping around and i thought about the cooking of live shrimps,lobsters,crabs,eels,conchs, and all the other live ones who get boiled alive, i thought to myself am i really killing the future chickens of what the world? America? What? What? So i covered the pot when they were boiled and walked away from the stove thinking to myself so how come i like eggs so much is this the ghosts of all the animals i had eaten in my life coming back to haunt me and i haven't even gotten to the cheese. On the mozzarella cheese i think i will make a caprisse salad along with the boiled eggs to serve. And what did my lover say to me about all of this ? Two simple words YOU DECIDE. Well here i am face to face with me, on one hand eggs and mozzarella call me on the other hand i am scared to decide. So this one i will talk about at the (LHD)action/event. Another voice inside my head screams i like eggs i like eggs i like mozzarella i like mozzarella.

AN EVENT/ACTION

2007-07-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well i am feeling a bit a great bit sounder and better. I am going to do some divination on my dreams soon. Today my concerns are with calling the wimmin for the next (LESBIAN HOMEDINING) action/event. There are 18 wimmin i will call i will not invite any new wimmin myself if the other wimmin are going to do that i will remind them of the space i live in and if they are alright with more than 19 of us in the space I'm OK with it. So i made the phone calls 2 of the wimmin can not make it but both of them said they had invited 2 other wimmin,the others said they would be there but they were not inviting anyone else, so we will still be 19 wimmin including myself. I am regaining excitement about the new (LHD) action/event, and i think i know what i will prepare, i know now that i don't have to prepare everything because at every event wimmin bring something without me having to ask. From the last event i have navy beans i will make a big pot of beans,with steamed mustard greens,mashed white potatoes,and a nutritional yeast cheese sauce to go over the mash potatoes, and seitan Mongolian style, lemonade, and i got some Bing cherries from the store that will be dessert. I will do a centerpiece from the apartment yard and the music i will play will be Rosanna's Luna's rotas, and Ana belen viva l'italia, i am looking forward to this event/action and i have promised my alter that i would be hospitable, i promised my self the same thing. And i made the caprisse salad and will put out the boiled eggs and see what happens. And now to wait.

WHAT? What?

2007-07-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well i got a lotta sleep and wow did i ever dream a lot, in one of my dreams i was with my friend under the 1-95 underpass and we were talking about the good times we had had together over the years and before she decided to become homeless. I realized in my waking moments that i was going over the good and the bad times we had had, i remember on one occasion we had be out on the lezzie town checking out all the bar where we lezzies hung out at that time i was still a very young lez the age of the ones who are called dykelings today, and we were walking home because she said she was to drunk to drive and thought that i was to inexperienced at driving,so we started to walk, i had not realized we had such a just a long way to walk until we had been walking for about an hour and a half,and i said to her if i had known it was going to take this long i would have thought of something better, she started laughing and laughing and would not stop, and before i know it i was laughing also, i finally asked so whats so funnie, and she said to me just imagine if our mothers had known it was going to take that long to bring us here, would they have though of something better and if so who would we be? Then she stopped laughing and said to me wow have i got to pee. I said well i guess you will have to hold it till we get to a bathroom somewhere, she started to laugh and this time i felt she was laughing at me she wasn't though cause she said wow there is really so much in life for all of us to learn and if you lived a thousand years you still couldn't learn it all, and at that she squatted behind an approaching tree leaned up against it pulled down her pants and draws and started to pee i looked at her with my mouth open, she said what haven't you ever seen a dykeapissin, i started to laugh and she said all trees need water to help in their growth and that is what i am doing i am helping in the growth of trees, just remember next time you see a tree some womon or lezzie has watered her to help in the growth process and always remember to do your part. Do not allow them to take your water away or convince to give it up unaware of the value. I remembered saying to myself then is she crazy or what? However i have and still am a dykeapissin when i see i tree now i find i always wanna pee,so what is that about? Now i must say i woke up smiling just dreaming about her and me. A huge amount of sadness has left, i think of her and i smile and i know it will always be that way. Now what does that have to do with (LESBIAN HOME DINING?)

STILL THE EVENT?

2007-07-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well i must say i did pay a bit of attention here tonight, the food was o.k. the ambiance was good the music fine the centerpiece i forgot to do one and one of the wimmin mentioned it, i suggested that next time they could bring whatever they wanted as a centerpiece. I really realized i was not the best company tonight, the wimmin were very kind to me but i honestly must say i really did not deserve there kindness, i was a real s... all evening. We discuss where the next event would be i asked if someone else would like to have the event at their place and got the comment from one of the wimmin "and have to listen to you again about what kind of food" my comment to this was yep. The 18wimmin left 1 loaf of organic bread, 2cups of nutritional yeast, 3 bunches of organically grown mustard greens from her garden, 5 organically grown white potatoes, 3 dozen eggs from their chickens, 2lbs of home made mozzarella cheese(the womon who gave the cheese ask if this was acceptable since cheese was not plant based?) and the same question came up about the eggs. O now what do i do i love eggs and mozzarella cheese and neither is plant based. O chickens, O cows what now brown ones? Where does the truth end and the lie begin? 4boxes of organically grown pastas, 2lbs of organically grown navy beans, 3lbs of vital wheat gluten organically grown for making seitan and 100.dollars. I asked myself can i continue can i keep this up and for what am i doing this? Sleep and dreams are very important in helping to resolve many things. I need sleep. The decision is to meet here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town next time.

THE ACTION/EVENT

2007-07-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well the event seemed to me uneventful perhaps its because i am still thinking about my friend who lived under the 1-95 overpass and the friend i think in made in the other womon who now lives there. I wanted to talk about her and my other friend at the event however i could feel the urgency of the other wimmin at the action/event to discuss whatever it was that they wanted to discuss so i did not talk about them, instead i prepared a meal of miso soup with Chinese dumplings, some basmati rice, and steamed spinach, i was not really into the evening and i guess everyone could feel that. One womon wanted to rehash the other stuff that was going on ad nauseum but i would not talk about it. Another womon who said she was not a lesbian said she was beginning to have sexual feelings for another womon in the group that she was unwilling to identify and that she was feeling a lot of shame and guilt about it, and that she wanted to talk to her husband about it but wanted some feed back from the group before she did. I asked her if they were just sexual feelings or did she see herself dating this womon ? She answered she did not really know. Another womon told her that sexual feelings for other wimmin were not really an indication that she was or was becoming a lesbian, and the feelings could simply be fantasy. I asked if she had said she had sexual feeling for a man would that have been an indication that she was or was becoming a straight woman or that her feelings could simply be fantasy? Another womon said she thought that i had a knack for making things appear more difficult than they really were. I said i thought she had a knack for making things appear more simplistic than they really were. I could feel the air getting warm and i said but what does this have to do with the womon and who she has the hots for. None of the wimmin voiced approval at my choice of words "hots for" as a matter of fact one of the wimmin told me she thought me to be very insensitive. I thought maybe they are all on target about me tonight. My mind was still on my friend from the 1-95 overpass diner. Well the talk went on about wimmins sexual feelings for other wimmin and i must say i was completely and unabashedly uninterested.

THE 1-95 UNDERPASS DINER WOW

2007-07-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Well i have decided to go see my womon friend who has chosen to be homeless and lives under the 1-95 overpass to bring her something to eat some shoes and to get from her some invaluable conversation. I made her some bar b Que seitan and baked sweet potatoes, collard greens with raw onions and tomatoes her favorite foods that i prepare. As i was preparing the food i asked myself now are you going to a wimmin-only space? I laughed and heard myself say don't be silly this is under the 1-95 overpass how could it be wimmin-only space? Then i thought of what i had said about the (LHD) event/action at the other womons house wow. So i walked up to 1-95 with the shoes and food for my friend, when i got there a different womon was housed in the spot that she usually kept her belongings, i asked the womon where was my friend she told me that she had died 3 days ago and that the county had come and removed her body. I cannot even begin to tell how i felt, i had not seen her in bout 2 months or talked to her, did not know she was ill, i wondered why she had not been in touch with me. I sat with the woman who was there and offered her the food i had and the shoes, she took them and thank me i told her that the food was vegetarian she did not seem to particular but when i told her that i really had the food for my friend who was not there she seemed more opened to eat and talk to me, i asked here where did they take her body and she told me that the county takes people like herself to the county morgue and held them there until either someone claimed the body or till it was time to dump the body in the county graves. I am going to see if i can claim her body and i will have her cremated and scatter her ashes under the 1-95 overpass. I think i made another friend in this womon, i asked her if it would be o.k. to come and see her again,yes she said. She also told me that the food was very good, and wanted to know if i was a cook, i wanted to tell her about the (LHD)action/event but i was so shaken and i did not feel open enough with her. I said bye and that i would see her again in about 2weeks. The regrets about not seeing my friend were still very strong with me when i got home, it was the first time in almost 2 years that i remembered crying.

WHO? WHAT FOOD?

2007-07-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

I really didn't think hard about how political food is until i became really involved with wimmin with food, not only the eating of it but also the growing, acquisition of the seeds to grow it, accessing food grown by others, preparing it for consumption, consuming it and acting out from the consumption of it, who gets what, who does not, which is considered womon's food, who to share it with and how, and these are only a few political aspects of food that i am becoming acquainted with. Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action is again at my apartment located in an unsafe area. My alter asked me. why do i always speak of my apartment being in an unsafe area? I told her because when i first got involved in a (LHD) event/action and offered my apartment some of the wimmin told me they did not feel safe in the area where my apartment was located. My response at that time was this, i asked are you a womon? Yes was the answer, i said if you live anywhere where there are men it is wise to not feel safe, and to remain aware at all times. So this is my way of reminding wimmin to constantly remain aware. Well there are 3 more events at my unsafe apartment until we will decide where the next ones will take place. I am now ready again to think food preparation. So what will i prepare, i have enough food this time that i don't think i have to go pan yard. I will make Corny cornbread from some of the corn left from before, a big pot of steamed collard greens, macaroni in a sun dried tomato sauce, drink coconut milk, dessert tangelos sprinkled with raw sugar. Music will be barb ester's More Of It. Centerpiece i picked some firecrackers from the yard. I must remember to call the 18 wimmin that was the number from last time i will not invite new wimmin this time,however if other wimmin do so be it. I get so excited everytime there is an event/action of the (LHD) kind. So now make the calls. I called all the wimmin, i was not quite ready for some of the responses i got, however 13wimmin said they would be here. 5 of the wimmin said they had invited another womon so that brings the total back to 18. You know what my alter said to me? She said are numbers really important? Would i still be happy if only one other womon other than myself showed up? How would i feel if no wimmin showed up? What would i do with the food prepared? When i thought about all of this i thought of my friend the womon who is homeless who lives under I-95 not far from where i live. I thought to myself when is the last time i saw her when is the last time i took food to her and sat and had conversation with her? How is she? What clothing does she need? I became very uncomfortable with myself, how dare i sit and wonder about the comforts of those who have comforts and amid all of that worry about who the food would go to. I must go see my friend who lives in the I-95 condo under the overpass.

WHO ? WHO IS CALLING?

2007-07-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

The womon from the last (LHD) event/action at her house called me to talk about what happened at the event and as she said to talk to me in general about what i had to say about not coming to her house and why. I thought to myself wow that is really womynly of her. She asked if she could come over some time today to sit and talk i said yes, so now i am waiting to see what happens. Me alter is jumping around like she has sat on an icepick, gotta calm her down before the day is done.

THE KITCHEN REVOLUTION

2007-07-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

O.K. lets make some food, what shall it be how about some good ol cornbread,we call this perfect cornbread, it can be made totally vegan or with eggs,where the recipe calls for eggs use egg re placer, where it calls for milk use soy milk plain o.k.? You will need. 1 cup flour,6Tablespoons raw sugar or honey, 4teaspoons baking powder, 3/4teaspoon salt, sift all this together, then stir in 1 cup of cornmeal. Add to dry ingredients and stir just until smooth, 2eggs(or egg re placer),1cup milk(soy or other),1/4 cup canola oil. OK that's it, fry patties in oiled frying pan,m turning when brown, or bake in oven at 425o to brown. Remember too much stirring of the batter can result in poor texture. And any milk that has soured in the fridge is excellent to use. We like cornbread served with sour milk and honey, or rather i should say i my honie likes it just by itself. Since the wimmin left corn i think i will see if i can make corny corn bread for the next (LHD) action/event.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

2007-07-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

In a society where a womon is taught to be less than she is capable of becoming the time comes when revolution is truly inevitable. Even the most tamed has some thoughts of revolting. No matter how colonized a people are there still comes a time for revolution, weather this time shows it self by materializing into action or weather it stays deep in the psych of one, the time for revolution eventually shows it self. Examples of this are most apparent in movements that take place in time,the slave revolt in America,the students revolt in Mexico and France,immigrants in America the one revolt that has not taken place on a physical level is the revolt of the lesbian/wimmin. I do believe however that the seeds for this revolt are so firmly planted now that an apparent revolution is very much in the making. I do believe that we lesbians know how to seem as though we are nowhere when in actuality we are really everywhere, we some how know how to cover our tracks and appear somewhere where we are not suppose to even be, i do believe we have many of us perfected the art of now you see me now you don't, this can be very disarming to those who seek others out in order to tame them. Now where did that come from? From an old old place where freedom is just another word for nothing else to lose.

WOW WHAT IS THIS?

2007-07-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

Well i had a good time the other evening at the (LHD) action/event. I still am thinking of the food, the Mongolian style seitan was very very good i had never tasted seitan cooked that way before and i asked the womon for the recipe, she gave it to me and i am going to see if i can make seitan,that would be interesting for me. I had heard of basmati rice rice of India, however i had only tasted the texmati, the American version of basmati rice grown in Texas. I loved the mangos however i would make fruit creams from frozen mangos if i were the cook. The food was excellent the company of wimmin was more than i expected. In response to the womon who would like to have the next (LHD) action/event at her house i said to the group and to her,that i would like very much to come to an event at someone elses house as long as the company was wimmin only and the food was plant based, that i would not be willing to go somewhere where an (LHD) was not a (LHD), and if this was not possible i would not be attending. I also reminded the wimmin that when we started this affair we promised ourselves that we would be wimmin only and dedicated to the demise of the 3M's in this space, and if i wanted to be in the company of animal eating heteros i could do that at any time anywhere . Some of the wimmin expressed a variety of feelings toward me for what i said. One womon agreed with me 3 did not. One of the wimmin who disagreed with me said she felt that to not go to a lesbian's house because she lived with a man was to her discriminatory, i told her i agreed with her the discriminating seemed to be aimed at us lesbians who wanted to be with each other and other wimmin. Another womon said to me that we all had the right to live with whom-ever we wanted, i said to her i was not arguing the right to live with someone i was addressing myself to our original goals as a group and that these goals were very important to me, sitting around arguing about who lives with whom did not mean a rat's behind to me, and especially not arguing about who lives with a man or did not, was not the reason i came to a (LHD). I once again said i would not go to a (LHD) that was not a (LHD), and i would not go where the food would not be plant based, and i would not go where a man or men would be involved in a (LHD) event/action, and as far as discussion of this was concerned i had nothing more to say. I said nothing more on this subject the other wimmin continued to discuss and discuss some more, i said nothing until they were all finished and i asked OK so where will the next (LHD) action/event be? One womon said to me she thought i was being difficult because the event would not be at my apartment. I said please make a decision and let us be done with this. Another womon said let's take a vote. I said to myself wow is it this easy to sway us to not do what we all said was important to us? Is this really a vote ? And what are we voting on or for? I said to the group i would not be voting and i would leave the room while they voted, i did just that, and returned when they were finished. Another womon said to me that she thought i was allowing the 3M's to divide us. I said to myself is this worth all of this? and i simply looked at her and asked is the voting over and and asked whats up? The decision was to meet at this womon's apartment, providing she could have her he roommate leave for the event, and that some non-plant based foods would be OK specifically sea animals but there would be some plant based foods there also. I said to myself that did not take much for the 3M's to surface among us and i said this also to the group, one womon said she thought we did not need to be so hard nosed about this. I said to myself o f... The wimmin who agreed with me said they too would not be there and so the group divides.

THE AFTER-NIGHT OF THE EVENT

2007-07-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, was quite an event last night a total of l8 wimmin showed up thanks to the womon who helped me everything turned out really great. Everyone loved the food and i felt quite ok with knowing we had prepared something that was agreeable with everyone. The womon who has a wheat allergy said she was quite pleased with the food that she ate. Another womon wanted to know when we could have a (LHD) action at her place,everyone agreed that whenever she wanted it would be fine, she asked if non-vegetarian or non-vegan food was acceptable and if it was OK to invite her roommate since he did live with her in the apartment, she said he knew that she was a lesbian so that it would not bother him if a bunch of us got together there. Wow i said to myself here we go, well she is a lesbian/womon,she is making an attempt to eat plant based,where she lives is here home and she is inviting us to a (LHD) action/event. What does she mean non-vegetarian, non-vegan food? If she is a lesbian why is she living with a he? Why should the food be non plant based? Why should we give a rat's behind about her he roommate approval of us meeting? and my final thought to this for the moment. I wont be there, but do i have the dyke-nerve to say so now and to say what i am thinking and feeling? I dunno, gotta think about this some more. Any way the l8 wimmin left the following as donations, 1 case of tangelos, 5 fresh green coconuts, 1/2 bushel corn, 3 bunches of collards, 2 boxes of organic macaroni, and a total of $90.dollars,some very good conversation and company, i really enjoyed myself and i think everyone else did also.

THE CALLS

2007-07-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

I called 13 wimmin tonight to remind them of the (LHD) gathering on Friday night, all 13 wimmin said they were coming and 5 of them said they had invited one other womon, that would bring the total to 18,whew! i said OK but i dont know if i can really handle all of that by myself. I called one of the wimmin i feel close to and ask her if she would help me with the event she said yes and that she would be over 2 or 3 hours early to help put everything together. She came and with her she had wonderful ears of corn,so we made southern style creme corn with green beans and hijiki, grilled tofu, basmati rice,tomatoe fresh mozzerella, basil and olive oil salad with the dessert being sliced mango with tofu sour creme. Everything came out absolutely beauti-filled. We got greenry out of the yard for decorations and put Patty Griffin on for music, she suggested that we lower the lights a tad for admostphere, everything looked good to me,now to wait for the wimmin, i am excited, neverous and happy.

WHAT?

2007-07-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight i make phone calls to 13wimmin about Friday night and the (LHD) dinner, i would like the 13 wimmin who came last time to come and i am not going to ask them to invite other wimmin, but if they do they do, i think 13wimmin might be enough for one night, maybe i will suggest we do this more often then one night a week but i don't know, if no one else want to have it in their house can i really do this here more than one night a week and can i really do all the work myself? Well here goes for the phone calls what is is.

EXPECTATIONS

2007-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well every event here at this (LHD) event has been as far as i am concerned a success,now what is a success, a lotta wimmin have come, food has been good company excellent, ambiance superb. So that causes me to think is success measured in terms of numbers? Have to give that more thought, for now my excitment is in my expectations of the next event. What to do with the mango no fruit cremes did that last time do something different, green beans i know what i will do with them i will make kates green bean ceviche,Mexican style basmati rice with hijiki seaweed,for dessert i will do sliced mangos with tofu sour creme, i will make enough for 13 wimmin, and i will make my phone calls to the wimmin tonight i am very excited. But you know what? i have a small nagging feeling inside that i might need to bring my feet back to earth something is gnawing at me but i cant put my finger on it yet, shall see.

AND NOW?

2007-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Wow this is the 3rd event i have been a part of at the (LHD) and i have enjoyed myself and the other wimmin. I will however be more inclined toward having more wimmin over next time the mixture of wimmin from before was really great,so, i will as each of the 12 wimmin who were here last time to invite 1 other womon and see what happens. I know that i will have mangos, basmati rice,green beans with hijiki and grilled tofu. There are other things i must learn before the event, one, a different napkin fold, find a different womon artist on CD., i also want to learn more about edible flowers, cuz i wanna began to serve them as well as more raw foods. For now that's good.

THE EVENT

2007-06-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

Well Friday has passed and we had a great time at the (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event. We were a total of 13 wimmin for food 11 of us had been together before 2 of the wimmin were there for the first time. I made seitan also known as wheat meat, one of the wimmin had a wheat allergy so she did not eat the seitan, however she loved the kale, parsnips and brown rice. None of the wimmin had ever tasted seitan, and 4 of them had never tasted kale nor parsnips, so that was a great experience watching them eat something they had never eaten and all of it was plant based. The banana fruit cream was a great surprise to everyone, no one had ever tasted frozen fruit pushed through a champion juicer before and thought it was ice cream, they were very surprised when i told them it was simply fruit, no sugar no nada just frozen fruit. They were very impressed by the folded napkins and wanted to know how did i learn to fold them, i told them i went to a restaurant that i knew folded napkins and told the womon there that i wanted to look at the folded napkin on the table because i wanted to see if i could learn to fold a napkin and she showed me how. We stayed together for 5 hours talking, laughing, eating and just being wimmin together. I asked if they wanted to continue to come to my apartment for the next 3 Fridays or if they wanted to to move the (LHD) to another place they all agreed they would like to stay here for at least the next 3 Fridays. One womon wanted to know if the food next time would be all plant based, i told her that all the food at my apartment for the (LHD) would be plant based and asked if that was OK with them, they all said yes. One womon said it was fine with her but was it possible to have some sea food at one of the events i answered yes,little did she know that the sea food would also be plant based. I asked them if they liked the music i was playing 5 of them said yes the others just nodded their heads, i think i could have picked something a little quieter. Everyone left smiling and happy and so was i,they had left as donations the following, 8 organically grown mangoes, 1/2 bushel of green beans, 5lbs of organically grown basmati rice and $70 dollars, i thank them and already knew what was going to be on the next menu, we kissed each other good night and that was that for now. I know i do like this and i think they do also.

FRIDAY THE EVENT

2007-06-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well i have the table set looks very good,my girlfriends mom gave me some lovely soup bowls and saucers for the (LHD) space, she said we could have them to use whenever where ever,so i have the table set with tablecloth,plates, flatware soup bowls, and folded cloth napkins,the centerpiece is a bowl flowers i found in the apartment court yard.The FOOD,Mongolian style seitan,brown rice, sauteed parsnips and steamed kale, with dessert being banana fruit cream. I have Jamie Anderson on for starting music,lighting is good not to hi nor low.Now i wait for the wimmin to come. The soup miso strawmushroom .

PRE-EVENT

2007-06-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well i have all the food for the (LHD) event on Friday.I called all the wimmin last night they all said they would be here tomorrow night which is friday at 7:00pm., I will start to prepare food tomorrow around 6 o'clock I am very excited and the wimmin sounded excited also,i will find out tomorrow night if they want to continue here at my apartment for the next four Fridays, or if some other womon would like to have a (LHD) at her place, i hope they want to stay here i do enjoy doing this, however i realize that changes are possible. I told them what i would be fixing for food they all seemed pleased. And now to wait for Friday.

MY NEW EVENT

2007-06-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Today i called all the wimmin i want at the (LHD),event on Friday;first i have decided what i will have for food;it will be, Seitan stake with mashed organic white and sweet potatoes,organic steamed kale, and parsnips.Dessert will be banana fruit cream,drink water. I plan to invite 11 other wimmin so with myself the total will be 12. I found some simple and beauti-filled table cloths at the thrift store that i have washed and i will use them Friday night,my table decor will come from out of the apt.,building yard of wild flowers,i have 12 napkins (cloth) that i also got from the thrift store, i will wash them and then try my hand at napkin folding so that i can fold them for Friday's dinner.The music for the evening will be a combo of barbara ester and rosanna, i borrowed a fan from one of my friends so that it will be cooler for the night. So now i began my calls to let the wimmin i have invited know what the meal will be about, only one of them other than myself is vegetarian, so this should be quite a experience for us all. From the donations left for the (LHD) last event, i used some of it for the napkins and tablecloths,the wimmin left 10 dollars, each and one of them left 5lbs of organic sweet potatoes,which i will use for Friday's dinner. So here is to good company, good conversation and good food.

REFLECTING

2007-06-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well today i choose to reflect on my (LESBIAN HOME DINING) experience.Things i would do again have another (LHD) event, invite more wimmin next time,ask wimmin to bring their own favorite beverages, prepare the food before the wimmin arrive,buy or borrow a fan,lower the lighting in the room,make an attempt to get all organically grown food,keep it vegetarian. My next day Friday and i will call the womyn tomorrow to remind them.I would select music that reflected my interest in wimmin,more lezzie stuff,i would remind the wimmin to bring another womyn when they come.This next time we get together i will serve a full course meal vegetarian of course. For now i will add 3 more wimmin to my call list bringing the total to ll, including me. I will decide what to serve at a later time. Things i would not do next time angst,angst, and angst some more. What a wonder-filled experience.

WHAT TO SERVE?

2007-06-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

O.k. i have established the LESBIAN HOME DINING space in this case its in my small apartment in an old part of town,that has a reputation of a " not so good area".However, my friends do come to see me and we do dine together.My first offering for dining with my friends is relatively simple,i have made a pasta salad of pasta, raw carrots thinly sliced,cumber slices,green bell peppers,mayo, salt and pepper,and i shall serve it on a bed of organic lettuce and tomatoes. I also made key lime limeade and dessert is sliced cold mango.I have invited 5 friends and i have put a small bowl out for them to leave me donations of their choosing. Of the 5 wimmin i invited i asked two of them if they were willing to tell two of their friends,and if their friends were willing ask them to also come. I decided the time for 7 pm on Friday for the next 4 Friday's, i have promised to call the five wimmin on Wednesday of each week to remind them and to let them know what i will be serving.I have decided to use fabric napkins and tablecloths, and i intend to learn how to fold napkins, for i have also decided that i want to offer the very best i can in food and in service,i know i must find an inexpensive way to access food and goods. I am now waiting for my friends to arrive and i am very excited.

ESTABLISH THE PLACE

2007-06-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

So you have established the place for now that is your home and where you will have LESBIAN HOME DINING, you've had your first invite with other lesbians,you served very simply and both you and the others enjoyed.Now what are some of the things you noticed that pleased you and others?what would you change? would you invite the same womyn? the same amount?how would the food b different?would there be more,less the same food?did you decide on what kind of food you would serve and what kind of food would you insist on being served,or would you insist on anything and if you would not, why?what was the mood of the other wimmin?your mood?how was the food received?what did all of you talk about?do you really remember?would you continue to participate in a LESBIAN HOME DINING scene? I do thing its important to address oneself to all of these questions,because it is important to develop intent so that one can at the same time develop focus

ESTABLISHING THE PLACE

2007-06-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

So how do we start?where do we start?who do we start with?Lets start with where will the place be located?It seems as though the place really never is a problem,since the place can be located in any home or homes where we live,so if the place is an apartment,room huge house small house,it does not matter as long as it is called home by a lesbian or some lesbian,.One womon said she has a friend who has chosen to be homeless,where would she create such a place? one womon responded where-ever she called home,and i thought to myself wow how clever it would be to have a (LESBIAN HOME DINING SPACE) under the expressway and invite all my lesbian friends, would they come? of course they would we are lesbians and love the adventure of it all.So now once the location is established,now whatta we do?Our first suggestions is to invite a few lesbians over to view your place,see what they have to say about the place it is your home and you can chose to change something or not and say so,however it does not harm to listen you may learn something or find out something that you had never thought of before,remember this is a home dining space so u want to prepare your place in a manner that is not only comfortable to/for you, and to/ for other lesbians.SERVE SOMETHING SIMPLE FOR THE FIRST INVITE;This is sort of a trial run for you so serve something easy and simple for you to prepare,and ask for honest feed back and receive it honestly.You do this anyway when you invite others over,however now you have given this a name,some structure so to speak.

HOW TO ESTABLISH

2007-06-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Lesbianhomedining is certainly not a new concept;homedinning is not a new concept;What appears to be new on the scene is the insisting of the patriarchy to create the idea that food is to be eaten quickly,hurriedly ,and sans womon's touch,to wit the attempt to make everyone believe (FAST FOOD) is good and nutritious,when in reality we all know better,that they the providers of this kind of food have your health in mind,(we all know that ,the health of their pockets is their concerns.) so u wanna have a lesbianhomedining experience, well as lesbians we do, each time we gather together in one of our homes and participate in the preparation of food and the eating of that food with other lesbians we are practicing,the principles of Lesbianhomedining.Matters not if we planned it or not,as long as we participate and in preparation and eating, sometimes we will also participate in the acquiring of it but this is not always a necessity.What foods would be served in a Lesbianhomedining?Well,this is where we all have to make some serious decisions on food and the meaning food, and see if we can come to some sort of agreements of its use.