HOME LESS FRIENDS?

On my way home me alter came to me and asked,why do you befriend home less wimmin and call them your friends? I pondered the question and came up with this answer. It doesn't matter if they are home less or not they are my friends, and even if they were not home-less they would still be my friends. Me alter said but you don't have any friends who are not home-less do you? Of course i have i answered. There is S......, and M........., and A...., just to name a few. Me alter said but you never visit those friends and certainly not at the same rate you visit your home-less ones. She continued i think its because you feel as though you have done something spectacular when you visit the ones under the I95 expressway, you feel as though you have done something noble and compassionate by taking food and conversation to them. Did you ever think what these wimmin leave with you? What you gain from them? What they give and bring to you. Do you ever think what a home less womon does for you? Me alter continued with questions? How many times have you taken food to home wimmin? Why always the home less ones? She went on like this until i got off the bus at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, which i will be moving from in the next few days. I thought about what she said and put it in part of my mind, i really don't want to think about that just now, i just want to go home and sleep and dream.

MY HOME-LESS FRIEND?

Well I'm going to see my home less friend at her home under the I95 overpass, i am taking her some avocados and limes some of her favorites. I took the bus there instead of walking, when i got there she was laying on her mattress fast asleep, i looked at her and wondered why would a womon prefer to stay out like this. And then i wondered why i wondered, she had already told me a long time ago why, but that did not stop me from wondering. I notice that she had had a bath she smelled different, i gently touched her and she jumped a mile and said to me don't ever do that again unless you want to get hurt, i asked her how should i have awaken her, she said its pretty simple just call my name. So i sat down and started to tell her about THE HOUSE that i was going to be moving into and why. She said that she thought i was venturing into a dangerous area, because as she said,when one becomes dependent on someone else to take care of them that have to concerned themselves with becoming obligated. I told her i was not dependent on the group taking care of me, and that i did not feel obligated to anyone. Her comment on this was you will, and she started talking about having to move herself because the city was doing a homeless homeland eradication, because the President was coming to town and the officials did not want Sir Pres to see dirty bodies, and clothing laying around under the expressway. I asked her where was she moving to and her response surprised me. She said since you are moving into a fancy new house, why not take me on as your project? No way i said to myself no way, i need a roommate now like i need another alter. Before i could think i said to her that I just can't. I don't want a roommate and besides you told me that you would not want to live in another house, because you liked the freedom of outdoors. She started laughing like she had lost it, and when she was finished she said you know all you homers seem to always come to the same place in mind, i don't really want to live with you i really wanted to see what you would say. She continued i really do love living out doors, but you see i can live outdoors any where, i could live out doors at your house. Well i thought to myself i cant have anyone living outdoors at my house, and then me alter said you have wimmin living outdoors when you invite them to tent, well i said to her that's different, and she asked how? Well it is not permanent, me alter then said i did not hear her say that she wanted to permanently live at your house outdoors (your house? o that's right it's your house right?) Well i think i want to go home I'm done here. I told my homeless friend i would see her later,she asked me again so what do you think outside at your house or no, i said or no and left.

THE LAST SUPPER WHAT A NIGHT

Wow, what a night the last event/action at (LESBIAN HOME DINING), the food was absolutely fantastic all of it, the wimmin were more lively than ever before, the atmosphere was hot, the conversation was all about THE HOUSE, and no one had any problems, concerns, or issues that seemed pressing (well no one talked about it anyway), the conversation was all about how THE HOUSE should be decorated,with, what, and by whom.It was at this point i decided to bring up the subject of who THE HOUSE was being rented to. Silence fell when i asked this question. G..... said i am renting THE HOUSE to you with the understanding that the group would meet, and that should the group decide not to meet there, she would make arrangements with me as to how the rent would be paid and how other stuff would be taken care of. She asked the group to please vote on this so as to make it official, they did and they agreed. (I said to myself whats with the official i mean what does that really mean? what would the unofficial be and what would it mean? I decided to keep my thoughts to myself,and at that my alter came alive from a long hiatus said "well, well, you finally learned how to keep your mouth shut".When the group was ending i asked the group what should i do with the money i had left over from before and from this night meeting? The total was 205.00dollars, the group decided to pay the light bill which was 85.dollars and have the account switched over to THE HOUSE in my name and the same with the water bill which was 45.00dollars. The rest of the money was to be given to me for executing the business of switch-over of the utilities. I then asked what should i do with the food stuff that was left over, i had, 1lb of seitan, 2lbs tofu, 3organic sweet potatoes,3lbs organic basmati rice, 2lbs organic quinoa ,avocados. The group asked that those foods that could be taken to THE HOUSE be taken there, and those that were perishable be given away to other wimmin, i decided at that point that i would take it to my homeless friend at the I95 diner under the expressway. Is it really necessary to identify her as my homeless friend would not friend be sufficient, i think i will ask her that next time i see her.

THE LAST SUPPER O.K.?

Well tonight is the night, there will be forty of us wimmin here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town to come together for the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event at this place, we are moving into THE HOUSE for good next week, most of the stuff that i needed to carry over is there, i didn't have much anyway.So for food tonight i did,Baked tofu cutlets in a brown gravy,spelt pasta in olive oil with zucchini, steamed choyote and callilou,brown rice,honey grilled grapefruit halves,sliced avocado, sliced apples and the carrot banana cake that one of the wimmin made, there is not much furniture in the apt, because of our move so most of the wimmin will have to sit on the floor or on milk crates, i don't know how 40- of us are going to fit in but we will figure it out. I have chosen Rosanna's Luna Rotas for the music tonight, i don't think music will be important so much tonight because everyone is still talking about THE HOUSE. The food looks good and i assured the woman who runs the apt building that no one would park as a nuisance, she said fine but i could see in her face the relief of knowing that we would be moving soon. Dear woman I'm sure she catchs hell from the tenants about parking, i am going to ask to group if it is OK for me to give her a tip for being so patient with our parking habits, and if they say no i will tip her myself, but i don't see where there will be a problem.

MY APARTMENT IN AN UNSAFE PART OF TOWN

I had no intentions of becoming melancholy about moving, but i am beginning to feel a bit of sadness at the thought of leaving my apartment in an unsafe part of town, to move to THE HOUSE. What makes a place,time, area unsafe? What makes those places unsafe? the people? the environment? the weather? the air? the attitude of those who live there? the attitudes of those who don't live there? When i think about this place i have called home for seven years, i feel very safe, i believe those who live here feel safe, the children act as though they feel safe, the cats and dogs act as though they feel safe (they only bark when there is someone new in the hood, and,( stray dogs and cats) stray to them because they are suppose to be in their yards or on another street,(and maybe in another hood?) on yes they do bark at birds who land in their yards for their food, so i think they and birds feel safe. So What makes this an unsafe part of town? The wimmin have been coming here and the only incidents we have are between us, no robbery,rape riot here since i have been here.So why is this an unsafe part of town? why do i insist on calling the place i have lived for seven years my apartment in an unsafe part of town?what makes me feel safe calling her that? is there safety in monikers? do we imbue words or places with power by calling them what we do? so when i say i am a lesbian do i imbue myself with power? (and me alter said well i could call that ego) when i say i am a proud bull dyke or dagger do i imbue myself with power. a strong womon? Well all the thoughts flood into my head as i think about moving and as i prepare to do so, and we haven't even had the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event yet. I suppose i need to go on to other thoughts,but i want to cry. LOSS? can i have GAIN without it?

THE HOUSE CALLS

Well it was quite an event/action at the last (LESBIAN HOME DINING) gather. Everyone is going over to see THE HOUSE and see if anything else needs to be done to her. I have decided to move, i do know that it is in my best interest and in the best interest of the group. There will be one more (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event here at my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i have already given notice and being that i am on no lease it will not be a problem to move, i have given my new address to some of the women here and invited them to come see me when ever they like, i am giving away quite a bit of the stuff i have collected here over the past seven years, although it is stuff i have valued and will always have memories of some of it it,is time to turn loose, G.... has made sure that THE HOUSE is already furnished so the only thing i will be taking with me as far as furniture is concerned is two rocking chairs that my mother gave me and some very personal personals. I think i will really miss my old frig that i had to kick every now and then to keep her heart beating. I am going to clean up the place and hope some womon who will really love the stuff i am leaving in her,will get her. I have not started the cleaning yet because although i know it is time to leave i miss the apartment, the hood and the( people wimmin, children, and men) and i haven't even moved yet. The last meeting here will take place this come week, i have $200.00, and was told by the group members to go all out for this(LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action since it will be the last one here. From the last action/event, in addition to the $200.00 i have 13 organic grapefruits, 6lbs of organic Tofu, 7organic apples, 5lbs of organic brown rice. I am going to my neighbors to see if i can get some more aki from her i noticed the other day that her trees are still full, another neighbor have Avocados down and i will buy some from her. I went to the health food store they had on sale,organic kale and Swiss chard, so i got some 0f that, and some zucchini and chayote, and i found some callilou at the Jamaican store. I found also some spelt pasta that i am going to use. Don' t know how i am going to prepare these yet that will come. I called the womon in the group who makes great carrot banana bread and ask her how much or what would she charge for making a cake or two to serve 30 wimmin, she said she would make it for no cost if i purchased the ingredients, agreed. One of the wimmin in the group is from Peru so she said she would make a Peruvian drink from purple corn, it sounds like we will have one grand last action/event of (LESBIAN HOME DINING) at the apartment that loved us so much in an unsafe part of town.

FEARLESS? AND BRAVE? WONDER WOMON?

Well the (LESBIAN HOME DINING) action/event is beginning, and i am bringing up right away THE HOUSE, and i did o why o why did i? I started off by saying that the woman who was in charge of the apartment building in which i lived was becoming more and more agitated with the parking situation when ever we met, and that i was becoming more and more uncomfortable with having to deal with her over the parking. I also said that i thought it was time the group think about moving somewhere else because we were growing in numbers and i did not think the apartment would hold more of us, every one agreed to this. The womon G..... who originally offered THE HOUSE, mentioned that THE HOUSE was ready to be moved into and that i could move anytime i wanted to, another womon asked me if i was prepared to move and if not when? I told the group, that i did not think i wanted to move from the apartment, and that i thought it would be a good idea if the group move to THE HOUSE,its just that i didn't think i wanted to move. One womon asked me why did i not want to move,since THE HOUSE was in a better part of town, and that there was more room and privacy for the group, and it seem that the group would flourish better there. I acknowledged that THE HOUSE was indeed better for the group, but i did not want to move because i had some concerns that had not been addressed. And i told them my concerns, starting with what would happen to me if the group decided that they wanted to move again, would i not be stuck with a house that i could not afford to live in, and what about the increase in utilities and other services? I also asked about getting help from other wimmin if work had to be done at THE HOUSE since no men would be allowed there. Here are the responses i got. If the group decided to met somewhere else,G..... said she and i could work something out as far THE HOUSE was concerned, the group agreed as for the increase utilities, some of the money collected from our actions/events would be used to take care of the increase,as far as help in work on the house by other wimmin, those wimmin who had always helped would continue to do so. They could see my doubt and some of the wimmin addressed themselves to this, one womon said she thought it was a case of me developing more trust not only in myself but in other wimmin,at this comment me alter started talking in my head see she said i told you so, i forgot for the moment that is was she who talking to me and before i knew it i said out loud just freaking cool it, the wimmin looked at me as though they thought i had lost it, and i had,so i said don't fret i am losing if for the moment, it has nothing to do with you it really is me. And with that comment one womon said you know i am really becoming concerned about you. And i asked her so do you think its stress? Some of the wimmin thought i was being arrogant and said so, i started to explain what had happened and i thought of Gertrude S., when she said "explanation is composition" and i realized that i had no need nor desire to compose.Would you believe me alter got really crazy at this point and started talking like someone had given her mockingbird seeds, see she said, see i told you so , and again without thinking i answered her told me what ?what did you tell me? I asked out loud, the wimmin in the group looked at me as though i had really gone bonkers, and i said o don't mind me I'm just talking to myself,i mean what else could i have said that would have made sense? One of the wimmin asked, should we talk about this again at our next action/event? half of the wimmin said yes the other half said no, so the talk continues. I was getting tired of hearing about THE HOUSE, i wanted to hear what that womon who the last time said she felt guilty about eating any food had to say, so i asked if we could talk more about that, and everybody said no, including the womon, they said that they wanted to firm up then and there if the group would be moving and when, with or without me they said. Me alter said ha ha they will move with or without you so what do you think of that now sistergirl? Well i said to myself with or without me, here is my chance to get out of the group if that is really what i want, here is my chance, but you know what i did not say a word, at that moment i realized that i really wanted to be a part of the group, but if they wanted to move with or without me maybe they did not care if i was a part of the group or not. At this point me alter said to me o here comes Sir Doubt,this is really gonna be good, i feel a big one coming on, i open my mouth to say something only this time i heard it before it came out of my mouth and i closed it.So the talk went on and on ad naseaum, and the final decision was this, we would hold one more action/event at my apartment and start to move to THE HOUSE, the coming weekend, the wimmin again said to me that they would love to see me move with them, but that at i had every right to decided to stay where i was but to please let them know my decision within the next three days, i agreed to do that and the group ended on that note.

FEARLESS AND BRAVE WONDER WOMON

Well i have decided to stay where i am in terms of THE HOUSE and my apartment in an unsafe part of town, and i will let the wimmin know that at the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. I think my decision is based on sound thoughts,i know that i can afford the rent on my apartment if the wimmin choose to go somewhere else, i know that i do enjoy the company of my neighbors and that i can make new neighbors should i need to, i know that i am comfortable here in this hood and that i can find comfort in other hoods should i need to, i also know that i may be hedging on moving somewhere else, and that i am open to changing my mind. I think at the next meeting i will bring up the subject myself so as to resolve it. Now i must wait for the next event/action to let my thinking be known. I also realize that my space is getting to small for the events/actions to continue to meet here

THE FEARLESS WONDER WOMON

Well I'm back from my fear trip it was quite a trip. I realize that these trips will be many as life goes on and life goes on, but anyway i captured this one, now on to the next. THE HOUSE i must talk to myself seriously about this before i talk with the other wimmin, i don't think i want to go to THE HOUSE and i think i have decided to stay in my apartment in an unsafe part of town, i feel safe here, and comfortable and no need to change, or, for change did i just say that? i am the one who is always saying change is, so what's with the no need to or for change. That word change looks very strange to me just now cha nge cha nge cha nge change change change, it has a certain sound, sh ang ga, i wonder if other wimmin hear the sound the musical sounds of a word or is it easier to think of this word rather than THE HOUSE? I think i can put off thinking about THE HOUSE untill i get closer to the next (LESBIAN HOME DINING) event/action. But moving is still a possibility, why not? why not?