DREAM? NO NIGHTMARE

I was startled by the sounds of a lot of doors banging they sound like doors to me, i felt the door open heard the sound of something sliding, felt the motion of whatever it was i was laying on, heard a voice say, this is the one that they left a note on last night saying "still alive?" heard the zipper being unzipped, finally felt the heat of the place, started opening my eyes, heard the voice say "Holy Shit" she is alive, looked into the eyes of someone with a mouth mask on, blinked, and heard my voice say where am i? saw the figure in front of me fall to the floor, heard some other voices say " Holy Shit" again and darkness came again.

WHERE AM I?

I hear voices, a lotta voices some of them are loud others sound as if they are whispering or murmuring, i make an effort to open my eyes again and again, they hurt, i feel something tugging on my feet as though someone is pulling me by my feet, then i feel something being thrown over me a blanket? plastic? something not really heavy but strange, then i hear what i think sounds like a zipper, i feel my body being picked up and thrown onto something hard like a table, a car door sounds like two car doors slamming, some more murmuring voices and then i feel the motion of a car as though i have been thrown into some sort of vehicle, its very cold in here where ever i am my head is hurting like mad and i think i need something to drink, dark comes again and the next thing i hear is someone saying hey this chick ain't dead. I remember jumping straight up i was in a bag but i jumped straight up in the bag and i heard my voice say help help then i heard a zipper go down and i looked in the blue eyes of someone who was standing there with their mouth wide open as though they were about to scream,but i scream first and everything went black again. Am i dead? Am i in hell or heaven? was that really someone in front of me? an i really in a bag? This has got to be a dream.

WAKE UP? I AM

HEY WAKE UP WAKE UP, this voice kept saying wake up i am awake, i think, i feel myself making an attempt to open my eyes, i keep trying and they are beginning to hurt, i finally get them open, i realize i am laying on a sidewalk, in any alley, its becoming daylight i think, i feel the heat of the morning sun or is that the heat of the side walk, as i crack open one of my eyes, i see blood on the sidewalk coming from the tips the fingers on one of my hands, and i also see little bugs look like ants eating the almost dried blood off the sidewalk and coming toward my fingers, my legs I can't really feel them, i can't really feel anything, i make an effort to swallow but my throat feels as though i have swallowed sandpaper, i can feel every nerve in my body trying to connect, but nothing is moving, where the hell am I? what happened to me?, i can feel the twitching of my nerves but nothing else is happening, no motion, no nada, i feel myself drifting back off to somewhere. Everything has become dark again.

THE DARK STREET?

the streets were absolutely dark not a bit o light coming from anywhere or so i thought, i heard that in the darkest dark that there is always light, i caught a bit of light coming from some where behind a building and started toward it, as i walked closer to what i perceived to be light i realized it was the glow from a neon coco cola sign that was flickering on and off inside the building, no one was on the streets but me that seemed a bit strange, i continued to walk down the middle of the dark streets hearing my own breathing and footsteps, where the hell am i? what city is this? where is everybody?, i know i have been walking for at least a half hour and not a soul in sight, my heart started to beat a bit faster, and i noticed i had started walking faster, why i really didn't know i heard a loud noise sounded like a bomb had just exploded and i started to run, run down the middle of the streets and there was no one but me running, i ran behind a building wound up in the ally way behind the building, out of the dumpster jumped two cats chasing each other, i leaned up against the dumpster, shaking like a leaf and took several deep breaths, asked myself what the hell are you running from or to, i am thirsty i need some water, no water in sight, where the hell is every body? i walked out of the ally way into the empty streets again, still no one insight. I started to wonder where am I what is happening? Alter where are you i need you come quickly please. no response. i kept walking rapidly some time slowly some time, sometimes running again, i hear my own voice telling me to calm down, breath deep, calm down breath deep. Slightly ahead of me i see what appears to be a big dog, then the figure changes into a big cow, then a big something i really can't tell what a human, an ape, a big animal of some sort, i think for a minute just keep walking as though there is no one there, maybe it's may imagination playing tricks on me, maybe just the shadows of light and dark playing tricks on me, i get closer to the figure and must make some judgement of what to do and how to do it, maybe I'll call out, maybe i won't, maybe i should start walking in another direction, that would surely show fear, me alter shows up, showing fear is not always a bad thing she said, i know i know i responded, but what should i do? stop she said just stop, right now, but i could not stop i must go on to see what it is i don't see, so i kept walking and as i walked what i thought was closer to the figure the figure began to disappear right before my eyes. I got closer and as i got closer i discovered that there was no figure there. what the hell was that i about i thought to myself. I pasted several old buildings that were dark and empty, so i thought, just as i got past one of the building i heard a window open and a sloshing noise, i looked up and out of one of the windows in the building came what seemed to be an ocean of water,as though a flood gate had been open, the streets begin to fill rapidly with water and i realized that the water was moving swiftly toward me, i saw what appeared to be snakes swimming toward me along with some alligators and what looked like dogs, i turned to run the other way but there was water coming from that direction also, then the rains started, i didn't know what to do, i started to scream but my voice would not come out, i saw a tree and thought i could climb up in the tree maybe until this passes, i started up the tree and just as i was about to lift both my feet off the ground i saw four set of red eyes looking at me from the tree, i open my mouth to say something i don't know what when something swiftly darted past my head and jumped to the ground, i heard myself scream and i was screaming to the top of my voice, when someone said hey WAKE UP.

i was asleep? no. was i asleep? am i asleep now? quien sabe?

I DID NOT LOOK IN THE BEDROOM I LOOKED IN

the kitchen, i wanted to look very badly wanted to look in their bedroom, as a matter of fact i wanted to go and jump in the middle of the bed and pretend it was me in the bed with, with, with, (me alter showed up and said i know what you're thinking kiddo) no she doesn't. i started to just crack the door to the bedroom you know just to look in, as i reached for the door i heard a car door slam, my heart jumped into my mouth wow supposed i had opened the bedroom door, they would have caught me, i went to the window facing the front yard and expected to see their car, but it was the postal car delivering the post. i took a deep breath out and walked toward the kitchen and started looking in the cabinets, drawers, refridge, and nooks and crannies, i was positively impressed when i saw so many healthy food stuff, no wonder they look so great, i went to the fridge and grabbed some OJ, drink some, and began to think of how great i would feel fixing them a meal, they have been so kind to me, so i will fix a meal for them and for me also, i mean they do not have to eat with me, but it would be nice. so i started to fix a meal. They had some fresh kale, collards, kohlrabi, sweet potatoes, carrots and broccoli, so i decided to make a vegetarian jambalaya with some quinoa pasta, it turned out really good. It was almost night time and they had not come back,i waited until eight o'clock and decided to eat, so i ate alone, outside, next to the fire pit, there was no fire. Time past it was dark and i lite the fire pit, secured the house for them, left on the porch light, and sat at the fire, wondering when they would get home. I wondered is this the way they felt when i did not show up at THE HOUSE, when i had gone homeless? I began to get nervous and jittery when 10 o'clock came and they still where not there. I had an herb to calm myself, me alter showed up and said on don't fret they probably took this time to go somewhere together now that they know that you are here, i said to my alter they don't know if i am here i could decide to go elsewhere you know, me alter said o but you won't, i heard a car door slam,voices, their voices, i started to jump up and say wow where have you been i have been worried about you all, but i did not i restrained myself and stay at the fire, i heard them come into THE HOUSE, someone went to the bathroom, the back door opened and it was Sally smiling and complimenting the fire, i told her that i had made food for them, she said o how kind and sweet of you, but we have eaten already, and i am sure the food will be good later, she said goodnight and closed the door, i expected more than that (me alter those are your expectations she said), the door opened once more and it was Gloria, she walked out the door, closing it behind her came over and sat next to me at the fire, i told her about the food,she thanked me and then asked me the strangest question, she asked was going homeless worth it? i asked worth what ? she looked at me smiled and said i think you know what i mean, stood up and said have a good night i am going in, and left. I threw some more wood on the fire it was hot as hell, i asked my self why the hell would you put more wood on the fire it's almost 97 degrees out here now, i heard me alters voice IS IT PASSION THE HEAT OF THE FLAME WHAT? and i answered what what?

WOW WHAT A FIRST

I think me alter may be on target, i think well that's the problem i think. i feel as though i have just met Gloria and Sally for the first time, they really are some fine wimmin, i wonder what do they think of me (me alter says grow eggs and ask), don't think i will do that. i like being in the kitchen with Sally and i like talking to her and Gloria, they seem so much into each other don't know if they really think of me often. I've been watching both of them when they or rather when i think that they are not aware. Gloria moves with such ease of body as though she really is not in a body, and Sally reminds me of darting lizards, she moves rapidly, i bet she's a Gemini and i bet Gloria is an Aries, I'm gonna find out some way or the other, again me alter says ask.
My mind is beginning to play a few tricks on me, i really need to find something to do with my hands, maybe i will start or continue the garden that Sally started. I would love to go into the house and sit with Sally and Gloria just to be in their company don't know how to do that just yet. Just as i am thinking that Gloria comes floating out the door she said she was going to go shopping for some organic lychee's and wanted to know if i wanted to come along, of course i did but i do not want to seem to anxious, i said why don't you and Sally go and i will clean up the kitchen for you, she thought that was a great idea i did not, she floated back inside and in a few came out with Sally in tow, saying i convinced here to come with me you have THE HOUSE and the kitchen, if you want to clean that's fine but you can still come with us. From the look on Sally's face i think that she would really like to be alone with Gloria. I am disappointed that she did not invite me to come along with them, they took off. I went into THE HOUSE, at first i was going to start cleaning the kitchen but it was not really in need of cleaning, so i move into other parts of the house just looking around, i will not go into their bedroom although i would love to go in there and jump right in the middle of their bed and pretend that they were in it with me. me alters voice (o no you), o no you what, i didn't do it i was just thinking, i would not dare go into their bedroom while they are gone. me alter o won't you? no, no, no. and i said to me alter don't gimme that s... about protesting to much.

THE FIRST MEETING FOR ME

well i have accepted the reality that i must meet with the other wimmin in the group before i can go on with the idea of being a part, so tonight there is a meeting at THE HOUSE, i am very nervous about tonight, i will not be doing any cooking and will face everyone with little or no space to hide, me alter said i could hide outside around the fire and i just may do that. Gloria and Sally have made quite a few changes in THE HOUSE, i have to get use to having so much furniture in a room, when i left the only furniture i had in the living room was a big ugly comfortable chair and some pillows, now there is a couch, more chairs, a coffee table, an ottoman, and some bookcases filled with books on everything from apples to zen. i do not care for that much furniture but i don't live here anymore so i can accept it. Sally was as happy as she could be moving around in the kitchen, she asked me if i could or would show her how to make a vegan pate out of carrots and cashews, i did, then she asked me if i could show her how to flavor and cook tofu, i told her that if i am not to be in the kitchen until the group approved, then i would not show anything else after the tofu, she was OK with that. i noticed that she had baked some sweet potatoes, and had made collard green wraps which she said was her invention for the evening, that it was raw and that she hope others would like it, i asked if i could taste, she agreed, and wow what an invention. she had made the vegan pate and then wrapped it in the collard green leaf it was very very good, i told her so, she smiled. with her smile i realized that i really liked her very much, every since i had met here when she first came i always felt at home and comfortable with her, i wondered how old she was and was about to ask her that when Gloria came in the kitchen kissed her and told her that she was going to run some errands and wanted to know if she needed anything, it was at that moment that i realized that i wanted to be the one kissing Sally, i embarrassed myself. i left the kitchen and went outside to start a fire in the fire pit, the fire in me was burning like mad. wow what a fire i made, i had gotten so involved in making it i disregarded the height, Gloria came out looked at the fire looked at me, started to say something, changed her mind and went back into THE HOUSE. i started to lower the flames a bit by removing some of the wood, and scattering the fire. i know i must keep my mind and hands busy, i do not want to think of Sally nor Gloria at this time, i realized that i felt annoyance at myself for my thoughts, me alter came to me and asked are you falling in love or is it just you need sex? no i am not falling in love, and yes i need sex. alter said i do not believe you. i will be glad when the meeting begins, i think.