DAY NINETEEN

Nineteen days into being homeless or rather a homeless wannabe. i really am giving a lot of thoughts to stopping this homeless trek. damn cops tired of their assholery, tired of sleeping with my eyes open, homeless men seem to be following me around now, every where i go my old hang outs are being haunted by them, went back to the health food store and the supermarket where i worked before they would not even see me i was curious why so i changed my hair covering and went inside the stores and at both places there was some homeless guy doing what i had done before, i got a chance to talk to the womon at one of the stores she told me when i did not show up again this homeless guy showed up everyday so she was going to continue to use him untill he stopped coming and if i wanted to check in everyday to see what was happening i could do that. well i suppose that was my error, i had seen the guy on the streets and it seemed to me he was constantly watching me, when i caught his eyes he winked and smiled and me, i said to myself yep that's him i remember the no teeth smile from somewhere before, i said to myself he was watching were i would go and come in after me,( i heard a voice known as me alter in my head and she was laughing like mad and repeating the word paranoia paranoia, i think it may be soon time for me to put my ass back in a house.

WHO WILL I TELL THAT I AM HOMELESS?

Well called my mother to tell her that i was OK and fine, but i could not bring myself to tell her that i was homeless,not only did i not want her to worry, but i felt a shame about saying i am a homeless wanna be, i mean when i think about that it sounds absolutely nut-c ,so i called her and told here that i had been away with some friends up in the northern part of the state, she could or would accept that more readily than me telling her that i had chosen to become a homeless womon. i lied and told her that they had invited me up to spend a few weeks with them, i also lied and told her that they lived in the country and getting to a phone was difficult, she could relate to that one because she knew i did not have a cell, she aked if i would call her at least once a week to let her know that i was OK i promised i would, found out everyone was OK, told her i would call her on the week end. my alter showed up just now and of all things she said to me of all things, that i was still not womon enough to talk about what was really going on with me, that i was afraid of truth or i would have told my mother the truth about my decision to be homeless, maybe i said to her, but i did what i did and i am not changing it, i also told me alter that i saw no need to cause worry to my mother, her response (o cut the crap), i ignored her, i know she will go away if i ignore her long enough. so here i am a homeless wanna be, wondering what all my homed friends were doing, i thought about calling some of the wimmin in the group to see what was happening but changed my mind, besides i do not want to tell them yet that i am a homeless wanna be.
Is there really any dignity in being homed or homeless?

I MISS EVERYONE

This is 18 days homeless i must call my mother and sisters and let them know that i am OK,selfish of me not to have called them before now, i will explain everything to them now that i have been on the streets (homeless ) for these many days, feels like a life time. so i have learned how to sleep with my eyes open, my ears wide open and how to keep my body tense and ready, the weather has held good for me so far but looking up in sky i can see Luna tilted so rain should be coming soon, must find some plastic and shelter for the damp times. i thought being under a tree during the rain might be a good idea till i remembered the lightning,so where can i hang till the rain is gone and what if it rains all night. i started watching some of the homeless men again and i noted that they hang out around the supermarkets during the rain, so taking that hint from them i spotted a supermarket in the posh hood, had on clean tennis shoes and carted me bod over to the sit down to eat outside under the roof area and started to read the newspaper i had found in the parking lot.(it was one dated 2 days ago but that is really OK cause no one really notices what you're reading) this was just for image, it worked nobody bothered me and the rains came pouring down. i had only spent in 18days three of my 20 dollars, and i spent that for phone calls to my mother and sisters. i noticed that because i did not smoke or drink alcohol i did not spend a lot of money, i began to question why i spent so much when i was not a homeless, that is very strange to me. the rains continued for at least 2 hours and in that 2 hours hanging out at the supermarket was quite an experience. i watched the posh people come to the (automatic take money= ATM machine) wow have you ever watched people when they handle money at a machine, some of them talk to the machine, some smile at it , this one man came to the machine with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and cotton and wipe down the whole machine before he would touch it with his hands, and another womon had a mirror that she would hold up and look behind her as she put or took out of the machine what she needed. i saw this womon drop her identification out of her purse and had not noticed what had happened i thought if no one mentions this to her i would but i did not have to another womon behind her tapped her on the shoulders (she jumped a mile) and pointed to her i.d. on the ground. these two men got into an argument about who got to the machine first and while they were arguing this womon went up to the machine and got what she needed. no one really paid any attention to me sitting there it was though i was invisible, i had a friend who once told me if you sit perfectly still and wear dark colors very few people would even see you, so i did that and found out that she was correct, no one noticed. the rains stopped i still had to find somewhere sleep but i knew it would not be during the day today so i eyed where i was as a potential bedroom for the night, i watched to see how often the cops made their rounds, not many cops make rounds here at the posher's supermarket, this may be the perfect sleep spot for tonight. i got up went into the store, the business was picking up strange how people really go mad for shopping when the rain stopped, they came into the store as though an announcement had been made about food running out, i decided to note what they were buying, maybe because it was a Friday they were shopping so, i looked in their buggies and wow, sodas, juices drinks (not juice) chips, candies, (i never really realized how much junk food Americans eat, (wow if you want to make a lot of money make junk food), they kept the deli busy (buying the dead animals and their parts and by products),in the produce sections it was me and maybe 3 others the rest of the bodies there were the workers stacking produce, i thought i would busy myself by asking questions of the workers i asked to speak to the produce manager he came out and i asked him how could i tell the fruits and veggies that were gmo, conventionally grown or organic, he looked first of all at my shoes (i could tell they met with his approval) he looked at me with a stern face and started talking about hydroponically grown tomatoes,( i waited till he was finished and asked again), i could tell he was not to please but he told me if i came back later in the day or tomorrow he would have all the answers for me. i said to myself i already know how that's what those numbers on the stickers on the fruits and veggies are suppose to tell but most folks do not know that those numbers have no meaning unless the fruits and or veggies were grown in the United States of America, but you know i did not say all this i said thank you and continued looking at the produce, i love looking at produce, tomorrow i am going to go to the market where they gather and sell all the produce just to be around it , i think this is a carry over from my young days working with my father selling from the produce truck that he owned. interesting how scents can trigger old memories.

DAY 14

No one can be mean all the time, i do not think so. there has to be some measure of humanness in all of us at some time or the other or is that really so or is it something i would like to be true,cause if that is true how do you explain Hitler, Slavery in America, Misogyny, Mussolini,Chavez, and on and on ad nausea um, perhaps these are simply quirks in development there are some good notable humans although it seems as though they are hard to remember, why is it we remember the ass hole of humanity and let the names of the good people slip through our memory sieves. well i am off to another hood today enough of this one i am going to the posh hoods just have to figure out where and how. i walked from where i was to about 20 city blocks and arrived in a posh hood just in time to see the working posh get in their fancy cars and head off (i guess to work) not sure what posh people do in the early morning hours when they dress up and get in their cars, i know in the hood when folks do that they are usually going to work so i guess the poshers are doing the same. i saw a lot ta of fancy cars but none that i had not seen in the hood, the difference is the folks here are not only in fancy cars but they are dressed up in designer everything, (is there designer underwear)? i thought to myself wow their garbage should be full of good things, now to get to their garbage without being spotted there is the real art. so anyway i do not look like a homeless today i have on cleans shoes (that is always important in America, you can stink as long as you have on clean shoes,isn't that the weirdest thing you have ever heard of ?) so clean shoes the blouse i have on i found at a clothes recycling bin that was running over with donated clothing and had not yet been picked up, (i think the homeless fairies left it there for me) and the pants were there also so i am clean and fully squeaking so now here goes. first place i went to in the posh hood was a health food store again if thought i would do the same thing i did in the last H.F. store i went to so i went in again to the produce area asked to speak to the produce manager who was (thanks to the goddess a womon) i told her that i would like to do some work in exchange for some food and it could be any kind of work, she said follow me and i went with her to the produce area where veggies are cleaned, she said she could not let me work in the store because of insurance issues but she found work for me outside it was the same work i had done at the other store but in this case it was the attitude of the womon that was so very soft and accepting, no scolding about being around to often, as a matter of fact she told me that if i wanted to clean the outside every morning to be there by 6 a.m. and she would allow me to do the work for food. i did this and wow the food she gave me was awesome i asked her not to give me anything that had to be cooked, so she gave me already prepared food and some fruits she also gave me something to drink. i finished up the work got the food and went to the front of the store where everybody sits and eat and ate, full a tick i contemplated on a place to sleep, it was still daytime and i needed to get some sleep before night. i went to the public park it was a small neighborhood one no one was there so i planted my stuff under a tree, sat down under it pull out a newspaper that i had found and started to pretend as though i was reading it this gave me time to scope out the park, i had been there for about an hour cop car came through i looked at them a woman and a man nodded good morning and smiled that worked they did the same and even told me to have a good day. now was it the newspaper the shoes the clean clothes or the posh hood that caused them to leave me be. i did not know nor did i care i guess it would be another hour or two before they made their rounds again and that would be just enough time for me to get a couple hours of sleep i guess right i fell asleep and awoke to the sounds of children playing in the sandbox not with their mothers at their side but the nannies that was fine with me because the nannies in this part of the world are almost always wimmin of color and i knew that they would not bother nor report me so i went back to sleep and slept till the sun started burning my face i woke up in time to see the cop car coming down the streets i knew it was time to move on and i did. i feel great i am full well rested and on the move again, gotta get to a bathroom, back to a supermarket but i need no food water yes but no food. interesting enough in the supermarket in the posh hood the poshers buy the same things that people in the hood buy but they look at the food and each other differently well it appears to be different, they complain about the help more, they walk around as though they have everything all together, when they talk to each other they talk about their pools cars TVs (sorry entertainment centers) their new gidgets and gadgets their new shoes clothes,rings, hairdo's and don'ts, their involvement in games sports trips i mean just about everything one could think of is talked about, the one thing i did notice about them is the look in their eyes, seldom did i see a real light coming from their eyes even when they smiled it was only on their lips never in their eyes. i think i understand what is meant by the eyes reflect the soul of the body,wow never thought i would see this while being homeless what a trip and as my mother would say no that is a vacation, wow haven't heard from my alter for a long time since i have been homeless wonder what happen to her, do i miss her i think i do, the wild thing is i can not call her to me she comes when she pleases.

HOMED OR HOMELESS

Well this is my 13th day of homelessness, it really is not the worst thing to happen to me. i am beginning to believe that homed people have not one iota of feelings for anyone but themselves and i am not to sure if they have that. why would someone who seems to be enjoying some form of success act so terribly mean, there are some kind homed people but they seem to be so few and far between. o well c'est la vie or is it mort. one of the fun things about being homeless there is always something to do, something to look at, to investigate, to be curious of, people throw out everything and i do mean everything, i did meet this homeless womon who said she found 4.thousand dollars in a dumpster near an apartment building, i asked her what did she do with it and she told me she got all the drugs she thought she needed but that she wound up in the hospital damn near dead from some bad drugs, i asked her if she would do it again, she said most likely, she also said she did not think lightening struck twice in the same place. i found a beautiful pair of designer tennis shoes in a dumpster they did not fit me i took them anyway cause i could trade them with someone for something else. something else i noticed is that the cops harass the homeless wimmin more than the men and that they automatically expect a womon to be on drugs if she is living homeless, one cop told me if i continue with my arrogance my ass would go to jail and that he could find something to jail me for. i looked at him and said ye'sa boss, he said what did you say i just could not say it again i really did not want to go to jail so i said alright he drove off i muttered under my breath honkie pig, i just want to live homeless for a bit to see but to jail i do not want to go, i know it is time for me to change my area cause i have heard that this particular cop is a really royal ass who loves to see if he can get you mad enough to do something stupid. so i am moving on i think it would be fun to go to a really posh hood and see if i can get away with being a homeless, see how the rich homed act toward the homeless, so i went to the bathroom at the supermarket for my daily bath, some of the wimmin on the streets (the sex workers) had told me the secret to daily public cleanliness the supermarkets, and they were absolutely right, i went into the store disappeared into the bathroom took my washcloth (a paper towel and started to clean up) have to be careful to do this when they are not ready to clean the bathrooms, best time is around 11 a.m. cause they are getting ready for the lunch crowd and pay little attention to who is in and out of the bathrooms,the soap stinks but it gets you clean. i think when i become homed again i will have a whole other perspective of everything everyone and myself. there is dignity in every one's life i shutter and get so damn mad at the cruelness of us humans really do begin again to wonder, why would any goddess or god create a human or did that really happen that way, who created whom? one of the things that would cause me to return to being homed is i think if i stayed on the streets a long time i would wind up hating and i don't want to go back to hating again, i had done that one time to many for my own well being spiritually emotionally and physically, and o how easy it would be to slip back into that by simply watching other people. how does one develop humility compassion? what causes one to become so harsh and mean so ruthless so without feelings?

STILL HOMELESS?

well it has been nine days that i have been living homeless, what an experience, first of all food was not that difficult to get, sleep is another thing, when night comes everybody everything enters the world of the homeless, i have had a helluva time finding places to sleep where i can close both eyes and sleep deep, i have slept everywhere, i thought bus benches would be the safest place but no, i found some deserted cars and slept under them but then i had to deal more with the stray dogs and cats coming under to join me, i overheard a womon talking about finding a homeless in her yard asleep one morning, and i thought to myself wow yes there is a womon sleeping in the yard at THE HOUSE why had i not thought of that one, i will give it some consideration. now i really do not find this homeless situation unpleasant, what i do find unpleasant is finding decent places to wash me bod without a lotta harassment from those who are paid to be authority figures and those who act as though they have authority and have not been paid, interestingly enough finding clean clothing was not hard either, i got so that i looked in a lot of different places for food, restaurants, cafeterias, dumpsters, gas stations, and almost any public places i.e. beaches, stadiums (on the out side and during dumping hours), food markets, public schools were the worst to find anything, because the authorities were always suspicious of anyone that they thought should be somewhere else, so it was not worth the aggravation. one place that i found to be a great place to hang out was near the police stations and the bus benches near the stations were the best to sleep on during the daylight hours, speaking of daylight hours i learned how to sleep more in the daytime since i felt safer to sleep then and to stay awake at night, i use to wonder why so many homeless roam at night,now i think know. i changed clothes alot cause i could find clothing very easy and i really did not want to stink. i learn how to take a total bath in a cup of water and a piece of paper was not bad really. i realize that i am beginning to miss a social life with wimmin, i have to really go out of the way to avoid a lot of contact with the men who are homeless they seem to be everywhere however i must say that there are so few of us wimmin homeless that i have run into i have watch the men to see how they get what they want as homeless and i have learned a few things. still amazes me to see how humans relate and react to each other in various situations. i saw one time this man and woman in their car come up to the red light and a homeless man walk up to their car stuck his hand with a cup in it out for some change, the driver let the window down the homeless man stuck his hand in the window to get the change, the driver grab his hand and started to drive off the homeless man was ruining aside the car and the driver got up to about 5 miles per hour, laughing like mad as the homeless man ran next to the car, he finally turned his hand loose and took off, now granted men are not number one on my list but this was just damn cruel, i got up from where i was sitting and walk up to the homeless man as he was rubbing his arm and asked him if he was OK, he said yes, i went back to my seat, he went back to the corner to wait for another car. would i ask for money? i gotta think about that one. i have not met one womon homeless out her with me. what is that about? is it easier to be kept than be homeless when you are a womon? is a kept women a homeless women? how long can i stay homeless? wonder if anyone really misses me i know i am beginning to miss everyone.

WHO HOMELESS?

i find it strange how my mind can go nuts on me in a matter of seconds. The womon did not call me homeless and what if she had? is there some shame in being homeless and if so why? so does having a home make me someone special? is it really possible to be homeless since there are some who say anywhere they lay their is home? Then i started thinking again about me being or rather putting myself in a state of homelessness. i wanted to go home immediately, but dark was coming and i had to make a decision on where i would be sleeping for the night. i had often stared at places under expressways but they had no appeal for me now. i was getting hungry i had eaten all the dried fruit in that short time, i remembered that i had taken 20 dollars in change with me but thinking about spending it all on food really made me nervous. i remember seeing homeless men and wimmin hanging close to fast food places, however i have never been a fast food eater and the fast food joints did not hold my interest, so i decided i would hang out at around a health food store or restaurant. now that was quite an experience i was a bit shamed to ask for food without working for it so i went to the rear entrance of the store and asked to see the produce manager,to my chagrin HE came, i was still clean cause i had only been homeless now for 7 hours, i asked him if there was some work i could do in or outside the store because i was hungry, wanted food, but wanted to work in exchange for it, he stared me up and down ( i said to me alter hey ain't i glad i wore clean tennis shoes, i had always noted before i became homeless that in America almost everyone look at your shoes before they look at your face to make quick judgements, i could tell HE approved of my shoes). HE said well i could give you something for the next hour or two but i don't want you to make a habit of coming here to beg, i assured HE that i was willing to work for the food, HE said OK here sweep up out here and when you finish that you can sweep the front sidewalks, i thanked him, before HE went back inside HE said i hope you do not expect your food for a week for the amount of work you will do, (i did not say anything to him, but to myself i said aw shut your fart face), me alter said now is that any way to speak after someone is willing to give you a job so that you can eat? i started to sweep the sidewalks. for that work two hours later HE gave me enough fruits and some veggies that i could eat raw and in addition gave me some cooked vegetarian foods from the deli. i store some in my pack, thanked him, walked down a few steps from the store, went around the front, sat down at one of the umbrella tables where others were eating, and started to eat, i was pleased, but i did really start to wonder where could i go to sleep and be safe. i have been homeless now for 8 and a half hours.