DOES WATER TAKE IT ALL AWAY?

my outdoors bath was absolutely divine, i feel so clean inside and out i don't know if the water did all of that, or is it just being back at THE HOUSE and talking to Gloria and Sally that causes me to feel as i do, i happy and glad to be here. Although they offered me to stay in THE HOUSE, i think i am going to get myself a tent and live outside, i like being outside but not homeless, so a tent will become my home. i will talk to them about this i do not want to appear as though i am taking over or that i have the right to do this without their permission, i want everything to be OK. i never told them about my homeless episodes, i have talk to my mother and my sisters and told them that i am back, i don't know if i will tell them or anyone about my homeless affairs, here comes ole alter she asked me what are you ashamed of? i did not say i was shame i just don't have a need just now to tell anyone about being homeless. i know in time that Sally will talk to me about this because of her experiences of being homeless. she seems pretty happy at being a homed womon now. i wonder if she misses living outside, i walked over to the fire pit and began to stack the pit with wood yes a fire would be nice. so i started one this one in memory of all the wimmin who lived or may live as a homeless or homed womon.

TO MYSELF I AM TRUE I THINK

sitting on the floor talking to Gloria and Sally was quite an experience for me and i would imagine for them also. i found out the the wimmin's group and the mix group was still going on, that the numbers had grown to 50 in the wimmin's group and the mix group had about 25 or less, i guess all is good. i asked about the food, what was being eaten who was doing the cooking where the food was being gotten from, and i was happily surprised to find out that the wimmin had continued to eat and prepare vegetarian foods and made attempts to access organic foods not only from the store but some of the wimmin had started going to an organic farm down in the southwest of the city also some of the wimmin had started to grow gardens with organic herbs and veggies and a lot of the food was being used from the gardens. an added event since my departure was the exercise night, this was when the wimmin had picked one night out of the week to do some sort of exercise ritual with each other, the exercise was chosen by a different womon each week. i really wanted to know more about Gloria and Sally's tryst but i did not inquire, and they did not tell me. i was curious if i would be able to stay there at THE HOUSE inside or out but i did not want to bring it up. me alter said do bring it up. i sat for about an hour with them doing most of the talking until Sally asked me so how was you time on the streets as a homeless? i thought to myself how did she know that i had become homeless i certainly had not told her. i looked at her for a bit and said i don't know if i have the braveness to do that again, she said never again, should you do it "it", would be anew, i agreed. i told her about my feelings on buying food since i had been on the streets, i mentioned the attitude of other people toward those who are seen to be homeless, i also mentioned how among homeless wimmin and men that there seem to exist a class system that i found that to be very strange, she said she did not think it was strange since we take ourselves with us no matter where we go and with that we also take our attitudes, perceptions, value systems and all other manners of being, it's just we don't live in a house. They told me that they really enjoyed living in THE HOUSE and that Sally had taken over the task of cooking for the group and the group events, Sally said she loved cooking and was really glad that i had gone away so that she could get a chance in the kitchen, she also said that if i like both she and i could continue to do the cooking for the group and that we could do it together or take separate days, i told her that i would give it some thought. i mentioned that i had seen some tricycles in the yard, that's when Gloria said that they belong to two little girls who come to the meetings with their mothers and the group thought the tricycles would help to entertain them while their moms were in the meetings. i really breath a sigh of relief, and felt more inclined to ask about living in the back yard, cuz i could not see myself living in the house with Gloria and Sally. Gloria seemed to be reading my mind again and at that place said you can stay in the house with us if you like, she nodded her head look toward Sally who was also nodding her head in agreement, i thought to myself live in THE HOUSE with both of them well i don't know about that, the backyard seemed fine for now i said. At this point Sally asked me if i wanted a bath i smiled and said wow our roles certainly have switched, then i asked her do i stink, she smiled and said water would not hurt your body right now, with that i said to her i think i will do what you did when i first asked you the same question when we met, and with that i stood up went out the back door undressed and begin to rinse and soap myself down, the water felt good, i felt good, i started to cry and that felt good.

THE NEW G ? OR IS THAT THE NEW ME?

i sat down on the floor as G..... motioned to me to sit. i don't think she meant for me to sit on the floor it just that is that habit i had developed, i started to get up and sit on the chair she had motioned to but i did not, she tilted her head as though she was about to say something, started to sit, stopped and asked me if i would like something to drink or eat, i wanted both and started to say no but she had already started toward the refrige and i was not about to say no then, i said why thank you. She said i could fix you something special or if you like i can make you a smoothie, i thought for a moment, now where will i get my next meal maybe i better ask for a big one (at that place me alter appeared she said just to remind you you have not been eating large meals so watch you gut) i said to G..... a smoothie sounds great, and indeed great it was, when i finished it i wanted to lay down and go to sleep, i sat on the floor and was about to ask a question when the bedroom door opened and out walked Sally. Yes Sally the homeless womon who came before i left and who was living outside in the tree and making fires. i know that my mouth was open because Sally said to me a real shocker huh? close your mouth. i did. well now what is going on i thought to myself and G..... must have read my mind she said to me well what is going on now is that Sally and I have become friends and lovers, i moved from where i was at to be with her here and she agreed to move inside THE HOUSE with me, as you can tell by the heat of the fire pit she still insists on having a fire almost every night, she said it was in memory of you. i thought to myself in my memory well that's interesting so did she move in with you in memory of me also at that place (me ole alter girl said jealous jealous jealous). yes i am i admit but jealous of what of who, they looked very happy together and they neither one of them had ever promised themselves to me nor i to them. and yes i am jealous, and at that me alter said well you finally learned how to thine own self be true.

THE HOUSE?

i have been standing around in front of THE HOUSE now for a good 30 minutes no on has come out of THE HOUSE and i can still hear the radio spewing and screaming, how the hell does anyone stay in a house with the radio blasting like that, this is THE HOUSE although she is a different color a bright yellow ( and i must say a warm color) i know her. i noticed some tricycles in the yard so that means children are here, i wonder who is living here now, i will stand here for another 20 minutes and then i will knock on the door to see what's up. what is very interesting is that no one on the entire street has come out to see or act as if they don't see me, i know that there is someone peeping from behind a curtain somewhere, that is interesting also cuz in the posher hoods the residents leave the cops to do the questioning, in this hood the neighbors will ask questions to those who appear as strangers, that is why i find it odd that no one has shown a face, that means that someone here remembers me, now to find out who. OK it is now an hour later and no one has come out of THE HOUSE as a matter of fact no one has come out of any of the houses and i know it is about time for someone to leave to go to church, sooooo it is about knocking on the door time, gather the courage to do that and then what do i say um hi i used to live here, or hi do you remember me or maybe could you tell me who lives here now? i started across the street courage in hand, walked thru the gates, on to the porch, hand fisted to knock, and the door opens and standing in the middle of the door is G......, she smiled at me and said we were wondering when you were coming over to knock, we saw you in the yard this early a.m., saw you lay down to go to sleep, and decided not to say anything to you we wanted to see what you would do. where the hell have you been,she asked what is going on? she said you look great wherever you have been seems to have been good to or for you? are you coming in? what is happening? are you here now to stay? what do we owe this visit to? i noticed she kept saying "we" i wondered and wanted to know who is "we". I smiled, said hello, and i must admit i was totally surprised to see her here and at the same time very happy it was her and not some one else, she invited me in, i went in and closed the door behind me, as i entered THE HOUSE i noticed quite a few things had changed, and so had i.

MUSIC? NOISE? ENTERTAINMENT? WHERE AM I?

waking was very easy, the sounds coming out of THE HOUSE at this time of morning startled me, i thought it was music but as i listened more intently i realized it was noise, or was someone entertaining them self, the noise turned to voices, sounded as though someone was preaching inside the house, then the voices turned to music, maybe i am at the wrong house, i looked up in the trees no one was there i know when i left here to become homeless she was living in the trees, where is she now? did someone run her off? what was her name i must remember before i attempt to knock on the door, i think i best get out of this yard before anyone sees me, so i gathered my stuff and went to the front and outside the gate, it was still early so i did not knock on the door, the noise,music, entertainment i realized was the radio or TV playing some church
services, and then i remembered that it was Sunday a day of grace and thankfulness or is it, i began to think about all the wimmin and men living on the streets the homeless, i think we are called, that is really something to think about. on the streets, food and clothing was really never a problem, being safe well that is another story, but are we really safe anywhere? i just walked into a yard and laid down while the people inside never realized that i was there, just supposed that i was up to no good,they would have never knowed it till i was on them, so what exactly is safe. so anyway, i am standing outside THE HOUSE across the street, i have been here for some time now and no one has come out of THE HOUSE, what to do?

I SEE THE ROOF TOP

it is a bit dark but i think i see the roof top of THE HOUSE, it is about 2 a.m., i don't know who is at or in THE HOUSE, yup that is THE HOUSE, but something is different about her, maybe it is because it is dark, i don't think i will make an attempt to go inside her before daylight, there are two cars parked in front and they have painted her a bright yellow, wow that is a change and very nice i can't really see the curtains nor can i tell who is there, THE HOUSE is dark. i think i will go to the back yard to see if anyone is there and if not i will sleep there tonight. i did do that i found a place near the fire pit, the pit was warm as though someone had used it recently, i looked up in the trees and thought i saw a body up there but i can't really tell it's to dark, i started to call up into the trees but changed my mind just in case this isn't the right house and i did not want to awaken anyone, nor surprise anyone, i put my jacket down on the ground under the tree and made an attempt to go to sleep, surprisingly sleep would not come, and so i remain awake till the sun started breaking and then found myself falling off to sleep, memories of being on the streets i guess. i am home or homed. or am i?

THE NIGHT TIME IS THE WHAT TIME?

well i didn't snatch the ice cream, i made it to the next 20 blocks it is getting dark and i am getting tired again, i wonder if that is really tired or anxiety about getting closer to THE HOUSE.
i remind myself that there is nothing to fear that i am going home, me alter asked me how did i think the wimmin would feel about me leaving without notice and now showing up without notice? she asked me what if they thought that you were not coming back and changed everything? what if G...... decided since i did not tell her where i was going, that THE HOUSE needed to be rented to someone else, i know that i did not give her notice but i did not give myself notice either, so how do i explain that? why do i have to explain anything, am i obligated to anyone? and me alter answered is anyone obligated to you? well nevertheless i am walking to THE HOUSE and for now i am calling her home. sun is setting, night is a little cooler, still is humid, feel the sweat dripping down my back. i thought that i had mastered the body thing and that my mind would wipe out anything i insisted on, but this hunger that i am feeling has my mind in a turmoil all i can think about right now is food, i thought to myself you know you have been really good about maintaining a vegetarian diet while you've been on the streets why not reward your self with some real food there is a Church's dead chicken fast food place, why not go get one of those BREAST? i thought to myself where did that one come from i had not had a thought of eating a dead bird in over 20 years, what made that thought show it self? i heard myself say hunger and me alter said bull-hockey your hunger could have lead you to think of cabbage or a piece of fruit as well, and i responded yea but it didn't, and besides the money i have i will not spend on a dead bird. me alter said well now what will you spend it on? she also said are you really that weak of spirit that you cannot allay your own petty hunger?

THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR IS IT SO LONG?

I woke with a start, i don't know what startled me nothing nor no one was around,there were some men sitting under a tree shooting crap (or is that call shooting dice)? why would anyone want to shoot a crap or dice? strange I'm sure no womon named that one. so anyway i sat there for a bit watched a dog piss on the edge of a tree and wondered if the tree i had been laying under had been pissed on by dogs and men and how many sniffs of the piss had i inhaled while i slept, me alter appeared and said tis a little late now to wonder about piss you did not wonder that when you fell asleep, so if you need a piss calculation i would say that you probably inhaled 3000 breaths of dog and man piss, dog and man do, squirrel, rat, worm and who knows what other kind of piss, do, and do do. i started laughing so hard i started to actually cry and i could not stop crying, one of the men who had been shooting craps came over and asked me if something was wrong, i do not know what got in me but i said yes i am a lesbian and the world sucks, to my surprise he said yep and i am a black man and you are so right the world sucks but what you cha gonna do about that, i wouldn't die over it if i was you he said, i said yes i am alright, he looked at me shook his head and went back to shoot the craps, when i thought about what he was going back to do i started to laugh all over again and the tears started again, me alter said get a freaking grip womon so i right en myself, sat for a few minutes, gathered my stuff and started to walk to THE HOUSE again,no as Gert would say not again, now to begin. so i started to walk, i don't do ice cream, but i remembered one time i saw i little girl with a fudge -icle i wanted it so bad i thought about snatching it out of her hands and running away with it, i didn't do it but the thought came back to me as i was walking, but this time it was a womon walking down the streets toward me she was eating an ice cream cone and i wondered if i could snatch it out of her hands eat it and run without her catching me, me alter said i would not consider that if i were you, you have enough money left why not buy one? i thought about that a second and then begin to realize that i had acquired all of my food while i lived on the streets as a homeless and never paid cash for any of it, and the weirdest thoughts came to my head and i asked myself is this country so full that waste is necessary for money to be made and if so why should any food or anything else for that matter be paid for with money and money alone? i thought to myself did the sight of ice cream bring this on? maybe i should go back to eating ice cream,but there really is no going back is there? so i must go on walking to THE HOUSE,TO THE WIMMIN, TO MY MOTHER, TO MY SISTERS.

60 DAYS AND NOW THE LONG JOURNEY HOME OR HOMED?

i realized that it has been 60 days that i have chosen to be homeless and in these 60 days i have learned a lot about myself and others, some of what i have learned i will not examine until another time, some of what i have learned will be with me for another lifetime. one thing i have rediscovered about myself is my love for womon and being womon is and can be very intense at times, i am learning how to space my thoughts so what so as not to have them flood in on me when i feel most vulnerable, i have learned how to hold my thoughts to myself and sort through
them some before letting them flood out of my mouth , i have learned that i really do like and miss me alter when she is not there, she did not seem to have much conversation with me on the streets and i think that is because i was being rather than doing so much. i am still walking toward home or THE HOUSE and i think i will arrive around 1 a.m. tomorrow morning, i must think of what i need to say to the womon or wimmin who are at THE HOUSE, i thought about calling but that is not a good idea, i want to see their faces when i talk to them, i want to feel or make an attempt to feel as they feel and i want to assure myself that my thoughts and experiences are as vivid for as long as i can. the walk home or rather to THE HOUSE seems to be longer than the walk away, i saw the same man who had been asleep on a bus bench that i scared sitting on the same bus bench, i started to say hello, i knew he remembered me just as i had remembered him, i started by him, looked at him, he nodded, so did i, and then he said to me so how was it? i asked him how was what? your trip he said, i shrugged my shoulders, kept walking and he said see you latter, i thought to myself i don't think so , i said to him have a safe day, and then i wondered to myself why did i say a safe day and not a great day. i really started thinking about the safety of wimmin and men who live on the streets, are dogs treated so badly? again i don't think so, i passed the grocery store that i first stopped at to ask for some work, the man who owned the store looked up at me as i past by he was sweeping off the sidewalk in front of his store, just for the heck of it i asked him if he had any work that i could do in exchange for a cheese sandwich, he stopped what he was doing and said ain't you the same one who asked for work before? i answered yes, and he said what did i tell you then, you told me that you could not be bother with homeless people and especially wimmin because if we where right we would have a husband and a family to take care and not be on the streets, he said right but you come on in i am not real busy and i will see what i can come up with, at that time me alter showed up she said be aware of what you are about to get involved in, and i remember a saying my mother had whenever she felt not too comfortable with something,she would always say something is not right my head tickles, and my head was more than tickling it was down right itching, so i refused his offer he said see you all are all alike, with that i kept walking and walked a bit faster, i did not like him something about him gave me the creeps, so i walked noting with my eye in the back of my head that he was not coming after me with his broom, he was not. the mangoes that i had eaten earlier were in my lower tract and i was getting very hungry, i remembered that i had read we could survive on water alone for a period of time before our bodies started to eat up vital cells, so i figured i was safe on water at least until i got to THE HOUSE, and now to find water, i had learned being on the streets that it was very important to have a pair of pliers, so that when you saw a faucet you could turn it on and get water, so i spotted a faucet on the side of an old bank building, i had a plastic jar which had become my constant companion, went to the faucet and filled it up with water drank it, filled it up again and continued walking, i knew that i would need to rest in about an hour so i started thinking about sleep time i knew that i would be relatively safe sleeping durning the day and could continue my walk to THE HOUSE later,so now for a nap. there was a huge empty lot with some trees and the lot had just recently been mowed, so i walked over, placed my pack down, spread my jacket, sat down, looked up and around and laid down, sleep came easy.

COMING HOME OR GOING HOME?

well i have made up my mind i am going home or should that be coming home or should that be home is where the heart is, i am at home even though i am living on the streets and under the expressways and trees, bus benches, parks, beaches,behind stores abandon cars, trucks, houses, buildings. i do believe that i want to go back (me alter says there is no going back) OK i agree i want to go on to live in THE HOUSE i was living in before i got this thing to live homeless, yes there is a certain feeling of freedom living on the streets, however there is a high level of danger and a womon must sleep with her eyes open all the time day and night, i do not think the dangers are any greater than if a womon lives in a house, apt, condo etc., however the dangers seem to be more intense and close up constantly, i do know that i have become a less fearful womon since i have been on the streets i do not seem to have the hovering internal fear of everything and body now that i have allowed myself to live raw, so to speak, i also realize that i truly enjoy being with other wimmin and i really do not miss the crush of humanity nor do i miss man and his kind. I must figure out a way to re conciliate myself with my mother,sisters and friends, i have been talking to my mother a bit and assured her that i am OK, she still thinks that i am visiting friends and i will leave that like that,(me alter says that behavior is dishonest) but this is the way i will leave it for now, maybe latter i will tell everyone where i have been and what i was doing, now what is important is for me to get back to THE HOUSE and start using my new found inner freedom. so with that in mind i am starting my journey to THE HOUSE. i started this journey on a bus bench,so i think i will find a bus bench for the time and see how it goes, the bus bench i decided on was not the same one i started out on, this time i deliberately picked a bus bench in the POSHERS area, it was still daylight so i felt relatively safe, i parked my butt on the bench, pulled out a dated newspaper, a pencil and my note book, i felt that this was a perfect time to do some more writing and not only that the cops are less incline to bother me if i look as though am reading or writing something, glad that the weather is nice, i noticed that in a POSH HOOD if you always look as though you are involved in some sort of intellectual act you know like reading those who pass by get curious about what it is you are reading and almost always want to hold a conversations with you, so knowing that i had found a magazine that someone threw out called healthy living this womon passed by said good morning, smiled, and said that is a very good magazine you are reading, i told her that i had just become acquainted with it and she informed me that she saves all her copies to read again at a later time because they were so informative, and then she kept on her way, i continued to sit and act as though i was reading, and i really thought i was reading until i heard a plop that was the magazine hitting the ground, glad it was not me i had fallen off into a deep sleep. i got up from the bus bench saw a bus coming wondered how many buses had past, looked into my pack i had enough money to catch a bus and buy some bananas, i thought about both of those ideas, decided not to catch the bus and started walking, walked for about an hour spotted a mango tree full of fruit on an empty lot and went mango picking, picked seven mango's ate three and continued on my way to THE HOUSE. Seems as though a lot has happened since i first started on this trip and the trip has not been a year although often times it seemed that long. As i was walking some teen-age boys passed me and i heard one of them say to the other i bet shes street garbage i turned around and said HEY, they turned and looked and me and i growled the deepest growl i could muster up and as i was growling i started to walk toward them, one of them said that bitch is f...... crazy and they ran like bats out of hell, i just stood there and me alter said and so what were you going to do and i heard myself answer i don't know, my heart was beating fast and i found myself smiling, i kept walking and at this point i realized that i was about two days walking from THE HOUSE i had promised myself that i was going to walk all the way, right now though i am full and i need to sit a bit, i found a supermarket sat at one of their out door tables pulled out my Swiss army knife and started to peel a mango, a man sitting at the table next to me said wow that mango sure smells good i know you did not buy it here, at first i was going to ignore him but i also discovered since i have been on the streets HE DOES NOT ENJOY BEING IGNORED and i at this point care not to get into it with HE so i looked at him and without a smile and said o no sir a friend gave it to me, he wanted to continue conversation which he did i said nothing, he finally got the drift but not before he came over to the table and said to me you look like you could use some company, that did it i said please leave me alone at first he turned colors and said to me young lady you could learn some good manners, i started to say and you poot-butt need to go to hell, i did not say a word and he left. (me alter said you are beginning to learn how to think some before you open your mouth, see how effective that is) i did not say anything to her either, i kept eating my mango and thinking to myself MEN REALLY THINK WIMMIN ARE HERE EXCLUSIVELY FOR THEM. NOW THAT IS REALLY IDIOTIC

THE LONGER TRIP HOME

i found out that there is so much more to life than meets the eye.